5 Great Aspects of ‘Star Trek Into Darkness’

Before I start – there are no spoilers! That would be cruel and might prevent people seeing this amazing film – currently my favourite of the year…

After seeing the film on Sunday I’ve been thinking about fun/great moments/aspects that helped make STID such a brilliant film. I’m sure I missed loads of references (I’ve already been filled in on one) because I haven’t caught up with the whole Trek universe. This will come. And these moments are just what comes into my head after one viewing…

1. The Kirk/Spock romance bromance.

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All that really needs to be said.

2. The return of Deep Roy as Keenser.

Star Trek Into Darkness Keenser

I’m serious. I loved him in Star Trek and I loved him here.

3. John Harrison.

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I know it’s been said everywhere about how great Cumberbatch is but it is worth noting that films like Star Trek need a great villain to further the story and lead to developments for the other characters.

4. The development of the Enterprise family.

movie-nerd-star-trek-2-into-darknessMuch has been said of the difficulty of character development within large casts, because this is true, and STID has ably furthered the family set up from Star Trek (2009).

5. The heart. There felt like there was more emotion in this film – the characters have had more time to develop together and as an audience we are more accepting of them. When something happens, we, and they, feel it more deeply.

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There may be a few things that I was a little disappointed by but generally speaking I loved it. (Just ignore the gratuitous Alice Eve in underwear shot.) Go and see it!

S x

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Red Carpet Watch: ‘Star Trek Into Darkness’ Los Angeles Premiere

As promised in the first Star Trek into Darkness RCW, here is the LA Premiere:

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There is a lot going on with Pine’s suit here. But I have to say that for some reason it works for me. The blue of his double-breasted suit (another Ralph Lauren Purple Label) is a beautiful shade and he’s wearing his favourite tan shoes again – I like consistency. The true story of this outfit is with all the patterns on the accessories: the blue and white striped shirt, the peach tie printed with a blue and white paisley (I think) and then the polka dot pocket square. So many patterns. And as much as I feel that I should hate it, I don’t. It’s brave and for me, Pine pulls it off.

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On the opposite end of the spectrum we come to Quinto and his Topman suit. Quinto is usually full of excitement clothing wise but this look seems very toned down – mostly when compared to Pine’s suit. Having said that, I love the white piping on the suit lapels and the thin lines with the slim cut trousers, thin lapels and short collar. Clearly this outfit is all about the hair anyway.

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Kate Beckinsale wearing Alberta Ferretti. This is a very simple yet effective dress.The silhouette looks great on her and, much as I don’t really like strappy shoes, the bright yellow straps help to add some youth to the dress – as does the hem. And her earrings are very beautiful.

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I can’t quite make my mind up about Jennifer Morrison’s Editions by George Chakra’s jumpsuit. I really like jumpsuits (it’s that tailoring thing for me again), and I like them in interesting fabric or with a slightly different cut (like the low back of this one that isn’t shown in this photo) but somehow this one seems a little…awkward? It might be to do with Morrison’s pose. Or the fact that I’ve had numerous costume jumpsuit problems recently and that’s stuck in my head. I’m pulling for the pose and my own issues for this. I think my first impulse of it being a winner is accurate.

chris-pine-zachary-quinto-star-trek-into-darkness-premiere-11The first appearance of John Cho (Sulu) at a Star Trek into Darkness premiere. This is a very basic look but the suit shape is a great fit for him and I like that he has worn a pocket square – even if you can barely see it against the suit. The aubergine tie adds a slight dash of colour against the charcoal grey suit, but just a dash.

zoe-saldana-alice-eve-star-trek-into-darkness-premiere-05I really love Eve’s Zuhair Murad dress. Really love it. The gold brocade feature, with the black detailing to both soften and harden the dress. I particularly love the shoulder pads. The bodice shape reminds me of Cate Blanchett’s Givenchy dress at the Oscars in 2011 – but I was in the minority of not really liking that dress… I love Eve’s dress here. I think it might be my favourite of hers from the promotional tour.

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Urban wearing a similar suit cut to those in Sydney, except this is a one-button rather than two. Another grey suit with limited accessories – just a simple subtly diagonally striped grey tie.

Additional:

Chris Pine, Benedict Cumberbatch and Zachary Quinto attended a special New York screening of the film on 9th May:

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More pattern mixing for Pine but this time with black and white – no bright colours to be found. His three-piece pinstriped Ralph Lauren suit with wide lapels is matched with a wide collared shirt. The polka dot tie adds some humour to the suit and away from the business man cliche. Probably a wise choice. Then there’s Cumberbatch wearing a simple, but beautifully cut one-button midnight blue suit – who wants to bet that it’s Spencer Hart? This is a favoured suit shape for Cumberbatch and when it works as well as it does why change it? Quinto adds lightness to the group purely through lighter blues! The denim patterned shirt (?) is a really interesting choice worn with his one-button navy blue Todd Snyder suit with some amazing leather lapels. Details like that win me over.

S x

He Could Get It…Benedict Cumberbatch

Holds babies and knows you like it

Holds babies and knows you like it

WHY? It’s about time Fineberbatch (© Helen) popped up on HCGI. Sorry to keep everyone waiting. I attempted to write one last year, but looking for an accompanying picture resulted in my spending three months trying to get my blood pressure back to normal.

So, ah! – push it, Ben. Push it real good because you’re hotter than July. Adorably self-deprecating, charming and funny, with a voice that could simultaneously stop wars and increase the earth’s population; Mr Batch’s star is on the rise. Leaping nimbly from hot detective genius to flame-y dragon to Captain Kirk’s nemesis in the space of about three years is no mean feat. And if he thinks that being a bit on the posh side is a drawback, IT AIN’T. Please feel free to get all Wuthering Heights on me ASAP.

@thatmissdeen

Red Carpet Watch: The 70th Golden Globe Awards

Awards season is upon us. We’ve had the nominations (I’m still waiting on the Costume Designer’s Guild nominations but sadly that’s not a “priority” for the masses) and now the ceremonies start. Best part of these? The fashion. Obviously. It also makes even the most forgiving viewing very bitchy and spiteful towards these people. Seriously. I’ve only sat through one American award show live (timing reasons and such) and I got progressively angry at suits and dresses. For no reason. Now to start this honestly, I didn’t watch any of the Golden Globes live last night. I was asleep – that’s just how I roll *cough* pensioner at heart *cough*. So this combination of, mostly good, fashion has been through internet scouring this morning. I haven’t done a best and worst because there weren’t too many horrendous dresses, more just some I preferred to others. And I’m mostly including those I liked. But be warned, there’s a lot! Oh, and there’s no order. That takes too much patience and brain ordering. Sorry.

Leonardo DiCaprio wearing Tom Ford.

Leonardo DiCaprio wearing Tom Ford. Everyone should know by now that Tom Ford suits are impeccable. DiCaprio looks very smart if a little laid back. The bow tie is a move in the right direction but there is so much black of similar tones in the suit (no satin lapels) that a touch of…something…like a white pocket square (I know! I know!) might have just helped to break the suit up a bit. Saying about the lack of satin lapels, I actually like these ones!

Julianne Moore wearing Tom Ford.

Julianne Moore wearing Tom Ford. More Tom Ford. Moore tends to wear Ford a lot and why not? She looked incredible in ‘A Single Man’ and she looks amazing here. This kind of dress always works for her. So much so that when she gets the red carpet ‘right’ she seems to get overlooked. She shouldn’t. She looks beautiful.

Ryan Seacrest and Julianne Hough, wearing Monique Lhuilier.

Ryan Seacrest and Julianne Hough, wearing Monique Lhuilier. Part of me thinks I shouldn’t like Seacrest’s suit but…it’s a three-piece. It’s grey (nice change from black), he’s got a pocket square and there’s some nice black detailing, particularly on the lapels. Plus, he’s got a bow tie and it’s a great fit. I have the same issue with Hough’s dress – I feel like I shouldn’t like it. But… I kinda love it. It’s not my favourite of the night but it’s in my top.

Kristen Bell wearing Jenny Packham.

Kristen Bell wearing Jenny Packham. Bell looks beautiful. I have a soft spot for Bell due to ‘Veronica Mars’ anyway so I’m probably biased towards her anyway but this dress is just great. It can be hard to dress up when you’re pregnant (I just remember some of Kate Hudson’s hideous maternity wear) but this dress does it right. The embroidery at the bodice draws the eye away from her bump and there is just enough shaping of the embroidery to allow for as much ‘bump room’ and flowing fabric as possible. One of my favourites…I’ll figure out some numbers at the bottom.

Jennifer Lawrence wearing Christian Dior Haute Couture.

Jennifer Lawrence wearing Christian Dior Haute Couture. Did everyone know that I love Lawrence? And this dress is growing on me. I like that it’s red (of course) but against the red carpet the tones are a little jarring to the eye at first. But the shade of red looks great on her and the fifties fit is super flattering and I’m jealous.

Helen Mirren wearing Badgley Mischka.

Helen Mirren wearing Badgley Mischka. This is how to dress. Mirren is schooling the younguns on style, elegance and class. It’s sexy but demure and could not be worn any better. Bravo Mirren.

Amanda Seyfried wearing Givenchy.

Amanda Seyfried wearing Givenchy. I’m of two minds about this dress. I like the lace, but as Seyfried is so pale and with her long blonde hair, a lot of the detailing is sort of lost. If the dress was in a slightly darker tone you might be able to pick up more of the beautiful craftsmanship. I still like it though. I think.

Helen McCrory and Damian Lewis.

Helen McCrory and Damian Lewis. Lewis, Lewis, Lewis. Well done. You won a Golden Globe and you looked great doing it. Slim-fit suit, correct amount of shirt cuff showing, pocket square, great fit, lovely lapels, wonderful wife. Sold.

Jessica Chastain wearing Calvin Klein.

Jessica Chastain wearing Calvin Klein. I really want to like this because I do love Chastain but…it doesn’t quite work for me. I think it’s something to do with the neckline. The shape is great from the waist down but…the top doesn’t sit right for me.

Kate Hudson wearing Alexander McQueen.

Kate Hudson wearing Alexander McQueen. I LOVE this. I don’t always like things that Hudson wears but this is genius. I mean, it’s Alexander McQueen so that doesn’t really need saying. But it is a wonderfully grown up look for her, but because of the large keyhole neckline and clinging fabric it still feels youthful and sexy.

Ben Affleck.

Ben Affleck. Blue suit. Check. Three-piece. Check. Odd fake leather looking detailing? Ummm. Not sure. I like that it is consistent throughout the suit: lapels, buttons, pocket welts, trouser pockets but it doesn’t quite work for me. This upsets me more than I’d like. But congrats on ‘Argo’ – great film! And the suit colour is the best yet!

Isla Fisher wearing Reem Acra.

Isla Fisher wearing Reem Acra. I have been critical of Fisher’s red carpet choices recently (they’ve been horrific so I think I’m justified…) but this is great. THe embroidery is beautiful, the cut is great for her. As she’s quite short having a long dress over, what I presume to be towering heels, makes her seem taller. It’s that word statuesque that I love so much. Fits.

Emily Blunt wearing Michael Kors.

Emily Blunt wearing Michael Kors. Oh, Blunt you’ve been dressing so well recently and then you just up the scales! Lacy, beautiful tone for her, the cut outs at the waist make me envious of her, the fit of the dress is wonderful and the flare at the base is brilliant. I think I’m in love.

Bradley Cooper.

Bradley Cooper. Before I saw Cooper’s suit I saw a tweet from Clothes on Film: “If Bradley Cooper wanted such wide lapels he should have gone for a bigger bow tie #goldenglobes”. So I know this will sound like ridiculous fawning, but he’s right. Look at the picture again and tell me that it doesn’t look like Cooper’s bow tie shrunk and no-one had the heart to tell him. Try. (The rest of the suit looks great though – and it looks like he has shirt studs <3.)

Anne Hathaway wearing Chanel Couture.

Anne Hathaway wearing Chanel Couture. Hathaway seems to be choosing simple cut dresses recently. I think this is the best I’ve seen – she looks great but it’s a bit safe? Just me? Picky?

Hugh Jackman wearing Louis Vuitton.

Hugh Jackman wearing Louis Vuitton. Jackman. You wonderful man. I think even Helen would forgive you your beard. And all I’m going to say about your suit is: LOVE. (But would it have killed you to have a pocket square?)

Sienna Miller wearing Erdem.

Sienna Miller wearing Erdem. Erdem makes beautiful flowery dresses and this is no exception. The cut is fairly simple to allow the flowers to “talk” for themselves. It’s probably not one of my absolute favourites but I still really like it.

Katharine McPhee wearing Theyskens Theory.

Katharine McPhee wearing Theyskens Theory. THis dress is very simple but it reminds me of a tuxedo a little bit (I’m all about tuxedos) and that makes me like it. I HATE the shoes though. HATE.

Naomi Watts wearing Zac Posen.

Naomi Watts wearing Zac Posen. Ok, I’m saying it – my favourite dress. It’s red. It flows. It has detailing. It has a train. It’s elegant. It is perfectly accessorised, I want it.

Helen Hunt wearing Dolce and Gabbana.

Helen Hunt wearing Dolce and Gabbana. I don’t love this as much as Hunt’s Critic’s Choice dress but it’s still a great choice for her. I can’t really criticise it…well, maybe the beaded stripe effect is a little overdone…but I can’t rave about it.

Daniel Craig, wearing Tom Ford, and Rachel Weisz, wearing Louis Vuitton.

Daniel Craig, wearing Tom Ford, and Rachel Weisz, wearing Louis Vuitton. Someone needs to tell Craig that he’s not being James Bond at the moment. Wearing a Tom Ford suit must have confused him. Amazing suit though. So I’ll let that slide. (Tom Ford = amazing.) The more I look at Weisz’s dress the more I like it. And I really like the shoes. One thing, the polka dot underskirt looks like it might be a touch too long… Oh, and red nails are always a winner.

Jeremy Renner wearing Dior Homme.

Jeremy Renner wearing Dior Homme. Hawkeye done good. You are now officially forgiven for ‘The Bourne Legacy’ and SNL. The first shawl lapel so far and I love it. Blue suit. Bow tie, Pocket square. Stylish satin lapel.

Robert Pattinson wearing Gucci.

Robert Pattinson wearing Gucci. First actual tie. It’s a nice suit. Nothing special. Nothing particularly wrong with it. I just can’t bring myself to be enthused by it. And neither, it seems, can Pattinson.

Tina Fey wearing L'Wren Scott.

Tina Fey wearing L’Wren Scott. Sadly, I like this dress less and less the more I look at it. I really want to like it but a few things don’t quite mesh for me. The neckline…the length…the slight flare at the bottom… I really liked her show dress though!

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, wearing Saint Laurent, and Jason Statham.

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, wearing Saint Laurent, and Jason Statham. Award for ‘ok’ dressed couple. Huntington-Whiteley looks like she has a napkin pushed under her chin and looks too smug about it all. Without that ruffle I would like the dress a lot more. Statham just looks happy to be there but in an average suit. I had such hopes.

George Clooney and Stacy Keibler.

George Clooney and Stacy Keibler. This hurts me to say but…Clooney looks just ok. Not bad but not great. Maybe it’s cos the jacket’s undone? Or it’s the weird lapels? Possibly both.

Jessica Alba wearing Marchesa.

Jessica Alba wearing Marchesa. If you ignore the weird feather clutch this dress is beautiful. That silk hangs just right and hugs in all the right places. The fishtail is played out perfectly with the structure of the fabric.

Marion Cotillard wearing Christian Dior Couture.

Marion Cotillard wearing Christian Dior Couture. I made a prediction last week that the best dressed female nominees at the Oscars would be Jennifer Lawrence and Marion Cotillard. Sarah said that Cotillard can be a bit hit and miss. Sadly, here she proved Sarah right. (Not sadly that Sarah was right, just to clarify.) I don’t know what it is about the dress that doesn’t work but…I really don’t like it.

Sofia Vergara.

Sofia Vergara. This dress reminds me of old fashioned Hollywood. It’s over-the-top but somehow works and doesn’t look like it should be in Vegas. Performing on its own. Vergara seems to like wearing clinging dresses but, due to the shine from the embellishment, there is so much reflection you can barely see her “infamous curves”.

Nicole Kidman wearing Alexander McQueen.

Nicole Kidman wearing Alexander McQueen. I’m conflicted with this dress. I really like it in theory but on Kidman it…just doesn’t seem to work for me. Maybe it’s that the lace panel seems to risque for her. I’m not sure but…it looked great on the model.

Jon Hamm, wearing Dolce and Gabbana, and Jennifer Westfeld.

Jon Hamm, wearing Dolce and Gabbana, and Jennifer Westfeld. You can’t have an awards ceremony without a picture of Hamm in a suit. I think it’s a law. Like the law that prohibits him from looking bad in a suit.

Daniel Day-Lewis.

Daniel Day-Lewis. My best dressed male nominee predictions for the Oscars were Daniel Day-Lewis and Bradley Cooper. Cooper let me down a little bit, but Day-Lewis held up his bargain. Just. Another shawl lapel and nice fit if not a little…dull?

Lucy Liu wearing Caroline Herrera.

Lucy Liu wearing Caroline Herrera. I actually love this dress. Despite the fact that it looks like something Maria Von Trapp could’ve made. I also think the fact that teeny tiny Liu is wearing it makes it seem even bigger. It’s nice to have a ball gown that is more ‘gown’ than ‘ball’-y.

Helena Bonham Carter wearing Dolce and Gabbana.

Helena Bonham Carter wearing Dolce and Gabbana. Bonham Carter not wearing Vivienne Westwood is enough for inclusion in itself. It might not be one of the best but it’s another one of those cases of it being the best dress for her. Like a dark Miss Havisham (yes, I know she played Miss Havisham, that’s why I’m making the connection). With red lips and a red lips clutch.

Robert Downey Jr.

Robert Downey Jr. I love this. Shawl lapel. The jacket looks like a smoking jacket and I’m going through a phase of loving smoking jackets. He’s got a bow tie and shirt studs. This is possibly the best Downey’s looked on the “red carpet” (yes, it’s in the show).

Amy Adams wearing Marchesa.

Amy Adams wearing Marchesa. Another victory for Marchesa. And another nude tone dress. It is a very simple lace dress that makes its impact with the tulle fishtail. And Adams pulls it off perfectly.

Benedict Cumberbatch wearing Spencer Hart.

Benedict Cumberbatch wearing Spencer Hart. I’m going to allow the normal tie because this is a three-piece suit and there’s a pocket square. It’s a great suit. I love that he’s clearly wearing a double breasted waistcoat – very unusual. And Cumberbatch has got wider lapels than I would’ve guessed he’d choose. It’s nice to be wrong. UPDATE: This suit looks ridiculously similar (read: just in blue) to the suit he wore to the Vanity Fair Oscar party in 2012. Scroll down here. Am I right? Spencer Hart made that suit so it all makes perfect sense.

Michelle Dockery wearing Alexandre Vauthier.

Michelle Dockery wearing Alexandre Vauthier. I have never seen Dockery look this good. Never. This dress is an absolute winner. And look at her face – she knows it too! I’m not even going to talk about it. The dress doesn’t need it.

Zooey Deschenal wearing Oscar de la Renta.

Zooey Deschenal wearing Oscar de la Renta. This red is more of a match to the red carpet than Lawrence’s so it doesn’t jar so much. But, beyond that, I feel like I’ve seen Deschanel in this before. That’s not what you want from a red carpet appearance – deja vu.

Megan Fox wearing Dolce and Gabbana.

Megan Fox wearing Dolce and Gabbana. More nude lace. This dress is very similar to Adams’ and I’m not sure who has the edge… I think it’s Adams. But this dress is beautiful and an elegant look for Fox.

Kerry Washington wearing Miu Miu.

Kerry Washington wearing Miu Miu. I love this. Why has ‘The Great Gatsby’ still not been released yet?! The ’20s flapper shape works perfectly on Washington and the feather beading on a sheer material is perfect.

Hayden Panettiere wearing Roberto Cavalli.

Hayden Panettiere wearing Roberto Cavalli. This Cavalli dress looks great on Panettiere. This just about fits in the lacy nude pattern that seems to have gone on at the Globes this year – with slight fishtail and all. Panettiere’s dress is slightly creamier in tone though so it just about stands out from Adams’ and Fox’s dresses. The detailing that creates a visual cut out at the waist is a great touch.

Claire Danes, wearing Atelier Versace, and Hugh Dancy.

Claire Danes, wearing Atelier Versace, and Hugh Dancy. Wonderful wonderful red dress. The draping on this dress manages to be both elegant and restrained. Danes isn’t know for wearing outrageous dresses and why should she when she looks this great in a simple but effective dress? Dancy also looks great in his suit and bonus points for wearing a pocket square that isn’t white!

Amy Poehler wearing Stella McCartney.

Amy Poehler wearing Stella McCartney. I love women in tuxedos and McCartney makes them particularly well. But I don;t know why Poehler insisted on wearing those hideous shoes. Cropped trousers are perfect with court shoes or at least shoes that don’t have straps and cause too many ‘cuts’ in the leg. So close.

My Top 10 Dresses (I wanted to include more than 5!):

10. Jessica Alba in Marchesa.

9. Lucy Liu in Carolina Herrera.

8. Helen Mirren in Badgley Mischka.

7. Jennifer Lawrence in Christian Dior Haute Couture.

6. Kristen Bell in Jenny Packham.

5. Emily Blunt in Michael Kors.

4. Kate Hudson in Alexander McQueen.

3. Michelle Dockery in Alexandre Vauthier.

2. Kerry Washington in Miu Miu.

1. Naomi Watts in Zac Posen.

My Top 5 Suits:

5. Jeremy Renner.

4. Hugh Jackman in Louis Vuitton.

3. Daniel Craig in Tom Ford.

2. Benedict Cumberbatch.

1. Robert Downey Jr.

So that’s my completely subjective “review” of the red carpet and my selection of best dressed (sorry about the lack of equality between men and women). What did everyone else think? Rest of DTSFT?

S x

5 Things I Hate About Beards

I’m not talking about the Katie Holmes kind of beard *nudge nudge, wink wink*.  I’m talking about the kind that men grow on their faces for whatever reason.  I hate them.  Now, don’t get me wrong – I know that some people have beards for religious or cultural reasons, but even God can’t make that facial fuzz look good.  Offensive much?  Bite me.  This site was started from a mutual love of various male celebrities, and even those (as I will demonstrate now) can’t change my mind on this.  Here are my top 5 reasons for hating beards, in no particular order.

1. We Want To See That Jawline, Baby!

Let’s take a really easy example, Benedict Cumberbatch (you knew this would happen, you knew I would be writing about him at some point) – he’s attractive in a weird, shiny, squinty sort of way, and unattractive for exactly the same reasons.  He has a huge fan base, doesn’t speak like a total fucking idiot, comes across as genuinely highly intelligent and is undeniably one of Britain’s best actors.  But even The Almighty B-Batch cannot be forgiven for this:

Did D’Artagnan throw up on your face again, Benedict?

There are no excuses for this kind of hot mess, particularly when you know that there is this underneath:

I’ll be honest, I cried a little while trying to decide on which pic of The B-Batch to use. It was literally like Sophie’s Choice

A big part of it is that a man’s jawline is one of those inexplicably sexy things, like their shoulders or forearms – you don’t need to cover it up.  I love adverts for men’s razors, because:

1) They normally have fit blokes, not even going to lie about that
2) They’re not full of flowers and ‘empowering’ messages like the ads for Venus or every other women’s hair removal product. It’s just “This blade will cut hair”
3) Razors are the beard’s natural enemy, ask any anthropologist and they’ll just confirm it.
4) The main reason – they always have a man running his hands across his freshly shaven jaw with a disturbingly satisfied and smug look on his face.

A strong jaw is so attractive on a man, although not so much on a woman; this is why Nicolette Sheridan was always, always, ALWAYS film in soft focus on Desperate Housewives (zzzzzing!).  So don’t cover it up, lads.  A little bit of stubble is fine – in fact, it’s positively marvelous on some, but once it’s at a length that requires combing – that shit needs to go.  You know why?  Because 9 out of 10 beardos won’t comb it.  And that ain’t right.

2.  They Are Purveyors of Lies

This is what I’m referring to:

Whatever it is, you’re doing it wrong, Creepy Frogman

The neckbeard.  Only one word can describe this follicular abomination – ewwwwwwwww.  Let’s be clear on this – I have nothing against the chunkier male.  In fact, I prefer a bit of chubs on a man to a scrawny preying mantis (you heard me, Benedict – we’re never going to happen if you keep eating healthily and exercising regularly).  Again, if I Google this word it’s going to come up with pictures of random, overweight strangers, and I’m not going to post pics of non-famous strangers to take the piss out of – but celebs won’t mind if I use them, right? Sorted.

So we’ve established that I’m not dissing the portlier gent.  What I’m trying to say here is that the neckbeard is about as subtle as Nicky Minaj’s unsightly, hideous-but-likely-to-be-helpful-in-the-event-of-a-shipwreck-due-to-their-no-doubt-impressive-buoyancy ass-implants .  If you’re that ashamed of your chins, there’s something infinitely less gross you could do than sport a neckbeard… you could just sport.  Okay, so sport doesn’t work as a verb in that context, but you get my drift, I was talking about losing weight.  I’m obviously not someone who can preach to others about getting fit, but all I’m saying is that no-one, and I mean NO-ONE is buying your beard as suitable camouflage for your ‘check’ (that’s my own portmanteau for ‘chin’ and ‘neck’.  On reflection, ‘nin’ might have been a better arrangement).  The fact that you’ve got stubble that somehow magically balloons out from your chin says to me that you’ve got flesh under there, not an empty space as you’d like us to believe.

3. We Can’t Go On Together With Suspicious Beards

Now before we start, I’m going to refer you back to the beginning of this post where I mentioned religious purposes for having a beard.  I say ‘mentioned’, I mean ‘flippantly dismissed the idea that someone who has a beard for a religious or cultural reasons could be left out of my judgement that beards are manky and unnecessary’, but whatever, I do what I want.

You can hide any old shit inside a beard.  Most men just hide the bottom half of their face but you know what’s scary?  Often, that bottom-half-of-a-face can be combined with a northern facial hemisphere to become the face of a rapist, murderer, paedophile or just general shady-ass character.

Like this fucking douchebag. I don’t even want to make a joke about this jackass.

But as I was looking for pictures of bearded criminals to point and laugh at in this post, I came across this website and now I feel like maybe I should leave this one and move on…

4. The Tramp Factor

I’m going to cut to the chase on this one.  If you have to have a beard, fine; to paraphrase Evelyn Beatrice Hall, I disapprove of what you grow on the bottom of your face, but I will reluctantly defend to the death your right to not shave that shit off.  But what I will not defend is the lack of maintenance.  No-one needs to see clumpy, scruffy facial hair – it just will not do.  It makes you look like a homeless person.  Now, when I decided to make this one of the points in this article I decided to look “homeless man with beard” and then thought it would be cruel to post a picture of an actual homeless person; despite being more or less a total bitch in my day to day life, I really care a great deal about the population of homeless people in this country and feel that more could and should be done to help them.  So I’m not going to post a picture of some random homeless dude because I actually (somewhere beneath all that visceral fat) have a heart.  However, that Google search I just mentioned threw up an unusual result halfway down the page:

No amount of funny can make this acceptable

I don’t think I need to say anymore.

5. The Twits.

Yeah.  If you didn’t see this coming, then you didn’t have a childhood filled with awesome Roald Dahl books, but that’s your problem really and you should talk to your parents about why they didn’t love you enough to take you to the library every once in a while.

In Roald Dahl’s classic story ‘The Twits’ we meet Mr Twit and his wife.  Now, she’s a ball of crazy in and of herself but for all intents and purposes we’re just going to look at her husband.  In my version of their origin story, Mrs Twit hates beards, and so Mr Twit keeps his face nice and smooth and sexy, just for her.  Read the post, you’ll see how all that ends up.  But I’m going to quote a bunch of lines from that book now, specifically about his stupid-ass beard.

‘But a hairy face is a very different matter. Things cling to hairs, especially food. Things like gravy go right in among the hairs and stay there. You and I can wipe our smooth faces with a flannel and we quickly look more or less all right again, but the hairy man cannot do that.

‘…if you looked closely (not that you’d ever want to) you would see tiny little specks of dried-up scrambled eggs stuck to the hairs, and spinach and tomato ketchup and fish fingers and minced chicken livers and all the other disgusting things Mr Twit liked to eat.

If you looked closer still (hold your noses, ladies and gentlemen), if you peered deep into the moustachy bristles sticking out over his upper lip, you would probably see much larger objects that had escaped the wipe of his hand, things that had been there for months and months, like a piece of maggoty green cheese or a mouldy old cornflake or even the slimy tail of a tinned sardine.

Plus he was one ugly, mean son of a bitch (my words, not Dahl’s)

There’s nothing I love more than wiping gravy  off of my smooth face with a flannel, and it makes me blood boil to think that some dirty scumbags are filling up their beards with gravy and fish and all manner of things.  Come to think of it, it’s this description that probably sparked off my utter hatred for facial hair.  I think moustaches on their own are even worse but there’s no time for me to go into that now.  Instead, here’s the only beard – apart from Brian Blessed’s, for that man can do no wrong – that I approve of.

Nothing I can say could make this better than it already is

Happy Birthday Benedict Cumberbatch!

On this blog we also have a deep love for Sherlock, so when I stumbled upon the news that today is Cumberbatch’s birthday I knew that we had to recognise it somehow. I thought the best way would be photos. Obviously. (I’m also very excited that he’s the villain for the Star Trek sequel, but that might just be me…)

Benedict as Sherlock Holmes. Obvs.

Benedict Cumberbatch 19 July 1976. So, to save you figuring it out – he’s 36 today.

So this was a photoshoot for some fashion magazine. Do I need to explain really?

At the Vanity Fair Oscar Party 2012. It’s a three-piece suit! I want to see what the waistcoat looks like though.

Casually strolling in for The Amazing Spider-man premiere. He’s so cool he doesn’t even have to try to look this suave.

S x