DTSFT Men’s Column #21 – Romantic Getaway

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Well, well, well, if it hasn’t been two years since we last spoke.

There’s been a sort of DTSFT hiatus, an extended one at that, while we all get the hell on with our lives and work and stuff – well, some of us. Me? I’m back to sitting on my albeit super-sweet behind and doing fuck all, all day. I mean, that’s not strictly true; I’ve been busy sifting through the thousands of emails, letters and texts (I don’t know how you got my mobile number, but it’s too late to do anything about it now, isn’t it?) sent to DTSFT HQ from men in need. In the two years that have passed since my last DTSFT Men’s Column, so much has happened, and not all good stuff. An anti-feminist party stood for parliament in 2015; a creepy, bum-fluff bearded man-child tried to organise a li’l rape rally; and Anthony Mackie starved to death.  It’s no coincidence that this all happened in my absence, and I’d like to take this opportunity to apologise to women all over the world for my lack of attention, for not keeping men in check, for not responding to the mountains of correspondence from desperate men, just looking for a light in the darkness of their ignorance. It was my job, MY JOB, to make sure men knew how to respect women, and I was asleep at my desk. I apologise.  With that said, I’d like to crack on with my latest advice column. It seems apt that this column should return almost two years to the day since the last post, so I picked a letter that addressed the same topic as last time.  From Peter in Gravesend:

 

“Hi Helen,

I want to take my girlfriend on a romantic getaway for Valentine’s Day, but I’ve got no idea what to do.  Recently, she and I have been really getting into Breaking Bad, and I was thinking of taking her to a swanky hotel for some Netflix and chill, if you know what I mean… Do you have any advice or ideas other than this?”

 

Hi Peter.  Well, first of all, kudos to you for asking for my advice; people don’t realise how stupid and ignorant they really are until they hear my opinion. Some people are so embarrassed by their own stupidity that they disappear off the face of the earth and I never hear from them again, which is a shame.  Secondly, it’s a good thing you mentioned Breaking Bad, because as it happens ‘Netflix and chill’ is so 2015 – this year it’s all about ‘Hulu and arguing’, and I don’t want to see you and your girlfriend arguing, Peter, I just don’t, I can’t bear the thought of you two being unhappy, it just fucking tears me apart, man. Don’t let Hulu do this to you.

What both of you need to do, what everybody needs to do, is to just calm down. And what better way to calm down than with some delicious meth? This Valentine’s Day, you don’t need to go to some expensive, swanky hotel; just get her some of that crystal she’ll never lose interest in, and you’ll never have to worry about what to get her ever again.

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No need to thank me, Peter, I’m just doing my job.

 

@bythesheetstore

 

 

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DTSFT Men’s Column #18 – Trick or Treat

I’ve been trapped down a well for several weeks and have been unable to respond to your Men’s Column queries.  But never fear! I managed to climb out and fight a bear on my way home, so it’s time to dive in to the many, many letters and emails that you have been sending in.  This week’s lucky chap is Llewellyn from Cardiff, who asks:

Dear DTSFT

My crush has asked me to come to this awesome Halloween party, but my little sister wants me to take her trick-or-treating. What should I do? I don’t want to blow my chances with this girl, but I don’t want to let my little sister down. I mean, if things go well with this new lady, I’m hoping for a little trick-or-treat action myself, if you catch my drift.

Oooh, that’s a toughie, Llew.  Firstly, stop saying ‘my crush’ – you’re not a 13 year old girl and this isn’t Sugar magazine god dammit, have some self respect.  Secondly, yes I ‘catch your drift’ and ewww, ewwwww to yewwwww, Llewwwwww.  Thirdly, you have to think about the long term repercussions of your actions; if you don’t take you sister trick-or-treating, for example, will she end up going alone?  Is that safe for her to do?  You don’t want to put her in harm’s way, I mean this isn’t a hotel in Portugal, you can’t just leave young children on their own.

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How about this party, then?  How do you know that this ‘crush’ of yours isn’t setting you up for a fall?  Girls are terrible, Llewellyn. I’d bet money that your crush has invited you along just to make you jealous, or worse still give you the Carrie treatment.  But let’s not be too harsh, let’s not jump to conclusions here – it could be completely innocent, and she might really like you, bro.  So here’s what you do: take your little sister to do some trick-or-treating, then drop her off home and head to the party – I mean, how late can you stay out with a kid trick-or-treating, right?  Just drop her home and hit up PartyTown.  Better still, invite this chick out with you and your sister!  Ladies love a family man, Llewellyn, she’ll be good to go, man.  And most importantly, you MUST enter an abandoned/haunted house.  Open any and all old leather-bound books, and recite out loud any texts in latin.  It’s important to empty smoking potions into one another and then drink them, and if you see a black cat then it’s almost definitely a cursed boy from the 17th Century.  This could be the adventure of a lifetime, Llewellyn, and you’re going to pass this opportunity up just to get some sweeties and treaties? Uh-uh.  Naughty boy.

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DTSFT Men’s Column #17 – Catfish

 This week’s heartfelt letter comes from Donald in Rochester, and in this day and age I think that his situation is one that many people can relate to.  He raises an important issue that is certainly very timely, and so we all owe Donald a round of applause.  Donald in Rochester, we salute you.

Dear DTSFT,

I have been emailing and Facebooking with a girl for about 12 weeks now, and even though she apparently lives only a few miles away, she doesn’t want to meet up and won’t send me pictures, apart from the ‘modelling’ shots that are on her Facebook page.  What should I do?  Do you think she’s a catfish?

Also, I’d like to ask that you could grant me anonimity if you ever post my question on your blog.  It is really vital that I remain anonymous, just in case things get… you know… out of hand.

Thanks,

Donald

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Er, well that anonymous letter there from Donald an anonymous reader raises a good point.  Let’s start by addressing your fears, friend.  If you’ve been contacting your lady friend on Facebook, I doubt she’s a catfish. I mean it’s a basic scientific fact that fishes do not have access to the internet and their fins deny them the dexterity to use devices such as smartphones and keyboards, so there’s no way they could possibly sign up for Facebook.  Similarly, if you’ve been looking at this girl’s photos, surely you’d notice that instead of a normal back she has a dorsal fin, and the pouty suckermouth would also be a giveaway – although given that most females these days favour the duck-face in photos, you could be forgiven for letting that one slip past you.

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Your letter actually reminds me of a TV show I watched the other day that was called ‘Catfish’, and it was totally misleading; it wasn’t even about catfishes, they just lied and used that as the title when in fact the show was about people lying on the internet and tricking people into thinking they were something they’re not.  Pretty ironic, don’t you think?

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DTSFT Men’s Column #16 – Perfect Gift

I certainly hope you all got your coats sorted out from last week’s post.  I know that I misunderstood the question and only realised it too late, but you can’t say my advice wasn’t sound.  Anyhoo, it’s time for this week’s question, which comes from Henry C in Hollywood (hey, I happen to be in love with a certain Henry C from Hollywood, how strange is that?), who writes:

“I want to confess my feelings to the woman I love.  We have never met, and yet I know she is perfect for me, and so I want to give her a gift that would show her how wonderful and special she is.  What gift do you suggest for a London-based aspiring writer who is so brilliant and smart and funny and beautiful and amazing and perfect?”

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It’s a very valid question, Henry C, and I’m glad that you asked me for help in finding a gift for this anonymous yet familiar-sounding woman. You could go for some book vouchers, because if she’s as wonderful and smart as you say she is, then she’d surely appreciate some of those.  Or chocolate – I mean, chocolate can never be a bad thing. What about some lovely jewellery? I reckon she likes big clunky cartoonish stuff, like the items you get in Galibardy.  Don’t ask how I know th-

Oh Henry, who are we kidding?  I know you mean me, and I accept your undying love and return it.

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You are the only gift I need.  Together, we’ll be unstoppable.

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DTSFT Men’s Column #15 – Transition

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Good day to you, DTSFT readers, on this fine, grey English afternoon.  It seems like only a couple of weeks ago that we had the beautiful summer weather, but the seasons are turning once more in that ever spinning circle of life, and autumn is upon us.  Damn, that was some poetic shit, man.  This week’s question comes from Barry in Belgravia, who writes:

“Hi DTSFT, I need your advice.”

That’s what I’m here for, Barry, ask away.

“Every summer, I see everyone walking around in their skimpy summer clothes, basking in the hot weather with their flesh on show, and each year I can’t help thinking of how much I want a female body. I mean, I really want a female body, if you catch my drift.  Now that the weather is changing and the leaves are shedding their trees, I think it is time for me to embrace the season of change and accept what I really want deep down, to find myself, and hopefully by spring, people will see me in a new light as the woman I was supposed to be.  So do you have any tips for getting through this transition?”

Barry, say no more.  What you’re looking for is a good quality transitional coat that will get you through those awkward periods between summer and autumn, and autumn and winter.  Firstly, I’d recommend checking out ‘FashionBeans.com’ and their article on the subject.  I mean, there are loads of styles you could try for your transitional coat, and if you really want to (as you put it) ‘find yourself’, you can’t go with something like this:

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But there are options for the more sporty gent, you could try something like this:

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Thanks for your question this week, Barry. I’m not really DTSFT’s resident style expert, but I feel satisfied with the answer I’ve given you, and I’m so excited that someone actually wanted my advice on a style-related query.  Hopefully people will start seeing you as the woman you were meant to be!

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I have just realised that the ‘transition’ you were referring to isn’t the seasonal kind.

DTSFT Men’s Column #14 – Fantasies

 Oh it’s about to get X-rated up in DTSFT today.  Yeah, this week’s topic is a little bit racy, so if you are a child who has clicked on this link, please close your eyes while you read this.

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I received a letter from Curtis in Peterborough, who asked:

Hi DTSFT, my girlfriend and I have been together for 6 months and it’s so great but last night she told me she wanted to spice things up in the bedroom. She handed me a note with her fantasy on it and I was too scared to open it so I sent it to you. What should I do?

Thank you for contacting me, Curtis, and I am flattered that you would think to ask my advice at a time like this.  Firstly, you shouldn’t be ‘scared’ of finding out what your girlfriend’s fantasy is, you should embrace the fact that she is now comfortable enough with you to be open about these things.  And why do you assume that her fantasy is going to be something worth getting scared about?  Maybe your little lady just wants to play a little dress up, you know – she’s the french maid, you’re the pizza delivery man.  Or maybe her fantasy is more specific, like you’re both characters from a TV show or film, say, I dunno, she’s a Disney princess and and you’re a combination of all the animal sidekicks, together you frolic in the darkest, kinkiest depths of each other’s psyches.  You’d be as limber as a lion, as honourable as a horse, as Jamaican as a crab.  She beckons you to her with her beautiful singing voice, and your duet gradually becomes more and more depraved and syncopated as you –

You know what, I’m going to stop there.

HCGI

HCGI

But look, if you want, I’ll read the note you sent – oh wow okay if you’re going to do this, you’ll need to be double jointed, have no allergies, and be able to take at least 3 weeks off from work.  I would not advise  spending any more time with that psychopath. Get out of there, Curtis. Get out of there now. And may god have mercy on your soul.

DTSFT Men’s Column #13 – Spiders

We’ve talked about many summer related things on this column, which really is a testament to the ridiculously long summer we’ve had so far.  If you’ve been paying attention, you’ll have enjoyed some delicious barbecued meats while writhing seductively on a beach, wearing only a pair of swimming trunks. If you haven’t been paying attention, then it’s more than likely that you’ve spent your weeks in your room, curtains drawn, watching episodes of The Simpsons – don’t worry, I’ve been doing that too.  But there’s something I haven’t addressed so far that is a huge part of summertime life, and that hasn’t gone unnoticed by our loyal readers.  This week’s made up completely legit question comes from Donald in Warwickshire, who asks:

“We’ve got bare spiders in our house, fam, I wanna be the man of the house and that, you get me, but I dunno how to take care of this business.  My woman needs me to be the big man, brave and shit, but I’m scared of them things”

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Donald, say no more.  All my life, I have been terrified of spiders, and while I hate the idea of killing them, sometimes I feel like it’s them against me, and I’m always going to be outnumbered because there’s billions of spiders and only one of me (that I know of), and right now I can’t afford the firepower to take on that kind of opponent.  People have always consoled me with the notion that spiders can’t hurt me, or that if they’re in the bath they can’t get out because the sides of the bath are smooth or the essential oils are too relaxing or something (I often don’t listen when people talk).  But I can’t shake the idea that they’re out to get me, you know?  It’s the way they walk around as if they own the place, but you make one move in their direction and they run away – spineless, is what they are. And did you know that if you take two spiders of similar size and weight, and match all their feet up so they’re sitting foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot, they create an ACTUAL BOMB? I’m not trying to scare you or anything, I’m just saying, don’t line up two spiders foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot.

But maybe I’m overreacting.  I mean, as you’ll see from this CCTV footage, not all spiders are evil.

Look at that mad bastard, having a great time.  That could be you, knocking about with a little spider friend.

Just look at this little guy’s face….

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Nope.  Still scared.  Don’t think I can help you on this occasion, Donald.

RUN!