DTSFT Men’s Column #21 – Romantic Getaway

s22vbno828vd

 

Well, well, well, if it hasn’t been two years since we last spoke.

There’s been a sort of DTSFT hiatus, an extended one at that, while we all get the hell on with our lives and work and stuff – well, some of us. Me? I’m back to sitting on my albeit super-sweet behind and doing fuck all, all day. I mean, that’s not strictly true; I’ve been busy sifting through the thousands of emails, letters and texts (I don’t know how you got my mobile number, but it’s too late to do anything about it now, isn’t it?) sent to DTSFT HQ from men in need. In the two years that have passed since my last DTSFT Men’s Column, so much has happened, and not all good stuff. An anti-feminist party stood for parliament in 2015; a creepy, bum-fluff bearded man-child tried to organise a li’l rape rally; and Anthony Mackie starved to death.  It’s no coincidence that this all happened in my absence, and I’d like to take this opportunity to apologise to women all over the world for my lack of attention, for not keeping men in check, for not responding to the mountains of correspondence from desperate men, just looking for a light in the darkness of their ignorance. It was my job, MY JOB, to make sure men knew how to respect women, and I was asleep at my desk. I apologise.  With that said, I’d like to crack on with my latest advice column. It seems apt that this column should return almost two years to the day since the last post, so I picked a letter that addressed the same topic as last time.  From Peter in Gravesend:

 

“Hi Helen,

I want to take my girlfriend on a romantic getaway for Valentine’s Day, but I’ve got no idea what to do.  Recently, she and I have been really getting into Breaking Bad, and I was thinking of taking her to a swanky hotel for some Netflix and chill, if you know what I mean… Do you have any advice or ideas other than this?”

 

Hi Peter.  Well, first of all, kudos to you for asking for my advice; people don’t realise how stupid and ignorant they really are until they hear my opinion. Some people are so embarrassed by their own stupidity that they disappear off the face of the earth and I never hear from them again, which is a shame.  Secondly, it’s a good thing you mentioned Breaking Bad, because as it happens ‘Netflix and chill’ is so 2015 – this year it’s all about ‘Hulu and arguing’, and I don’t want to see you and your girlfriend arguing, Peter, I just don’t, I can’t bear the thought of you two being unhappy, it just fucking tears me apart, man. Don’t let Hulu do this to you.

What both of you need to do, what everybody needs to do, is to just calm down. And what better way to calm down than with some delicious meth? This Valentine’s Day, you don’t need to go to some expensive, swanky hotel; just get her some of that crystal she’ll never lose interest in, and you’ll never have to worry about what to get her ever again.

BfcP0SeIAAAng2C

 

No need to thank me, Peter, I’m just doing my job.

 

@bythesheetstore

 

 

Advertisements

DTSFT Men’s Column #14 – Fantasies

 Oh it’s about to get X-rated up in DTSFT today.  Yeah, this week’s topic is a little bit racy, so if you are a child who has clicked on this link, please close your eyes while you read this.

images

I received a letter from Curtis in Peterborough, who asked:

Hi DTSFT, my girlfriend and I have been together for 6 months and it’s so great but last night she told me she wanted to spice things up in the bedroom. She handed me a note with her fantasy on it and I was too scared to open it so I sent it to you. What should I do?

Thank you for contacting me, Curtis, and I am flattered that you would think to ask my advice at a time like this.  Firstly, you shouldn’t be ‘scared’ of finding out what your girlfriend’s fantasy is, you should embrace the fact that she is now comfortable enough with you to be open about these things.  And why do you assume that her fantasy is going to be something worth getting scared about?  Maybe your little lady just wants to play a little dress up, you know – she’s the french maid, you’re the pizza delivery man.  Or maybe her fantasy is more specific, like you’re both characters from a TV show or film, say, I dunno, she’s a Disney princess and and you’re a combination of all the animal sidekicks, together you frolic in the darkest, kinkiest depths of each other’s psyches.  You’d be as limber as a lion, as honourable as a horse, as Jamaican as a crab.  She beckons you to her with her beautiful singing voice, and your duet gradually becomes more and more depraved and syncopated as you –

You know what, I’m going to stop there.

HCGI

HCGI

But look, if you want, I’ll read the note you sent – oh wow okay if you’re going to do this, you’ll need to be double jointed, have no allergies, and be able to take at least 3 weeks off from work.  I would not advise  spending any more time with that psychopath. Get out of there, Curtis. Get out of there now. And may god have mercy on your soul.

The DTSFT Men’s Column

We’ve been hounding people to help us out with this Cosmo Blog Awards thing, and it was brought to my attention by my brother that we don’t really write that many posts that would appeal to men.  As I started to disagree, he shot down my well-thought out responses with the evidence of our string of HCGI posts.  At that point, I almost broke down in tears thinking about Henry Cavill and his unbearable beauty, but I pulled myself together and decided that my brother had a fair point.

“Help me, DTSFT, you’re my only hope!”

So I started thinking, what do men care about?  There’s always so much in the media about women – how we should look, how we should feel about how we look, and how we shouldn’t be told how to look or how to feel about how we look.  It’s a complicated life.  But surely men have similar insecurities, right?  I think they do.  And after a solid 3 minutes of just barely thinking about it, I decided that we need an advice feature aimed at men, and who better to undertake this task than me? I’m obviously someone who cares a great deal about people and their problems.  In each post, I’ll answer a question sent to us by a male reader (these will be by and large fabricated) with invaluable advice.  So, here’s a question from Gregor in Aberystwyth, who asks:

How best way to pick ladies up when I’m out with my mates? Get nervous round them and sometimes doesn’t know what to say

Well, first let me say, Gregor, that was a terribly constructed question.  Your grammar is absolutely appalling – I mean, it actually made me angry as I read it, and I’m tempted to not answer your email, but you sound pretty pathetic so I’ll help you out because I’m nice like that.

So listen, unless YOU GAY, BRUH, you probably spend a fair amount of time thinking about the luscious ladies, am I right?  Women are riddles, wrapped in mysteries, wrapped in expensive scarves from TopShop.  How should you, the well-meaning and worldly gentleman, approach this entity?

Warning: Only Ryan Gosling could pull off this chat-up line

Warning: Only Ryan Gosling could pull off this chat-up line

You’re up inna the club.  You’ve had one or two drinks, you’re feeling merry, you’re having a good time, loving life.  The DJ starts to play a song by Pitbull, and rather than follow the instinct that this song provokes in you and head to the nearest bridge to kill yourself, you make your way over to the bar.  On your way, you spot a delightful female human – she’s with her friends, all of them lookers but she’s the one who really caught your eye.  As you approach this young filly, you start to get nervous – knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on your sweater already, mum’s spaghetti.  Let’s face it – you’re a mess, but never mind that, Gregor, it’s too late and you had your chance to sort yourself out before you left the house, but you were too busy watching Will Ferrell outtakes on Youtube again, weren’t you?  You’re a liability, mate.

Start off by taking stock of her friends.  Initially, you should be looking to see if there are any better looking ladies around her that you may have missed on your first glance.  If this is indeed the case, then change your course in order to arrive in front of her instead – or for a little joke, approach your first target and ask her for her friend’s details – chicks love that, she’ll probably find it hilarious. Once you’ve engaged the female human in conversation, you’ll need to see whether she is interested or not, and this can be done by quickly establishing some common ground.  This can be difficult to do off the cuff if you’re nervous around women, but never fear, I’m here to help. Here are some ideas for topics to discuss that are super popular with women:

– Taxidermy

– Propane and propane accessories

– Football Manager

– Steakhouses

– Fighting and punching techniques

If none of these pique her interest, get really drunk and start talking about The Expendables film franchise, then do a pumping action with your arms and hips while licking your lips and nodding your head in order to establish your intentions.  She will be putty in your hands.

Well, I hope that’s helped you, Gregor.  Good luck picking up the ladies and don’t forget to check back with us here at DTSFT to let us know how you get on.

I’ll be back next week to raise some more points and handle some hard issues with the Men’s Column.