DTSFT Men’s Column #21 – Romantic Getaway



Well, well, well, if it hasn’t been two years since we last spoke.

There’s been a sort of DTSFT hiatus, an extended one at that, while we all get the hell on with our lives and work and stuff – well, some of us. Me? I’m back to sitting on my albeit super-sweet behind and doing fuck all, all day. I mean, that’s not strictly true; I’ve been busy sifting through the thousands of emails, letters and texts (I don’t know how you got my mobile number, but it’s too late to do anything about it now, isn’t it?) sent to DTSFT HQ from men in need. In the two years that have passed since my last DTSFT Men’s Column, so much has happened, and not all good stuff. An anti-feminist party stood for parliament in 2015; a creepy, bum-fluff bearded man-child tried to organise a li’l rape rally; and Anthony Mackie starved to death.  It’s no coincidence that this all happened in my absence, and I’d like to take this opportunity to apologise to women all over the world for my lack of attention, for not keeping men in check, for not responding to the mountains of correspondence from desperate men, just looking for a light in the darkness of their ignorance. It was my job, MY JOB, to make sure men knew how to respect women, and I was asleep at my desk. I apologise.  With that said, I’d like to crack on with my latest advice column. It seems apt that this column should return almost two years to the day since the last post, so I picked a letter that addressed the same topic as last time.  From Peter in Gravesend:


“Hi Helen,

I want to take my girlfriend on a romantic getaway for Valentine’s Day, but I’ve got no idea what to do.  Recently, she and I have been really getting into Breaking Bad, and I was thinking of taking her to a swanky hotel for some Netflix and chill, if you know what I mean… Do you have any advice or ideas other than this?”


Hi Peter.  Well, first of all, kudos to you for asking for my advice; people don’t realise how stupid and ignorant they really are until they hear my opinion. Some people are so embarrassed by their own stupidity that they disappear off the face of the earth and I never hear from them again, which is a shame.  Secondly, it’s a good thing you mentioned Breaking Bad, because as it happens ‘Netflix and chill’ is so 2015 – this year it’s all about ‘Hulu and arguing’, and I don’t want to see you and your girlfriend arguing, Peter, I just don’t, I can’t bear the thought of you two being unhappy, it just fucking tears me apart, man. Don’t let Hulu do this to you.

What both of you need to do, what everybody needs to do, is to just calm down. And what better way to calm down than with some delicious meth? This Valentine’s Day, you don’t need to go to some expensive, swanky hotel; just get her some of that crystal she’ll never lose interest in, and you’ll never have to worry about what to get her ever again.



No need to thank me, Peter, I’m just doing my job.






The Apprentice 2014 Episode 11 – DTSFT Roundup


It’s the episode we’ve all been waiting for – no, not the final, where we get to see who actually wins this whole thing. No, we’re talking about the INTERVIEW STAGE! We all know that we’re watching it purely to see Claude get angrier and angrier as the episode goes on, but the other interviewers can be pretty scary too. It’s worth noting the absence of our beloved Margaret Mountford (WE MISS YOU), who is probably still studying her stupid classics or whatever it was that she thought was so much more important than being on television; and also the presence of Ricky Martin, himself a previous winner of The Apprentice.

Let’s get down to it – here’s the roundup:

“Dan, we need you to look like you’re working on something really, well, businessy”

“Sorted, mate, couple of numbers do ya?”

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Was Solomon put outside in the garden for his own safety, or the safety of the other candidates? Or maybe he’s just not housebroken yet?

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From the look on her face, Roisin has never said “I actually left my job to pursue this” out loud before

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Even Mark can’t rock a denim shirt. Only our very own Sophia can get away with that.

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Struggling without Felipe, Solomon?

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But can you imagine living in that house at this stage? After all those times in the boardroom, fighting for your place by pointing out each other’s flaws and basically cussing them in front of their potential employer, it’d be so tense. I’d be the housemate from hell that week – trying to make everyone else edgy and worked up before the interviews. BECAUSE I’M EVIL.

See those two people in the lift in the building behind Lord Sugar’s shoulder? They were later assassinated by the BBC for fear that they might reveal which candidates made it through to this round before the series aired. Very sad, very sad indeed.

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This bit of ‘subliminal messaging’


So the interviews then. Last year, I organised this post by each person – this year shall be no different.


The proposal:

roisin idea

Bit of a weird name, to be honest. I’d have gone with ‘Roisin’s Duck Wraps’. Sure, all the meals would have to contain duck and also be wraps, but that’s a risk I’d be willing to take if it were my business, all for a pun.

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When Claudine asked this question, I said “No, but I eat food” as a joke, and then Roisin said this FOR REAL in the interview:

eat food

Yeah but, apart from herself, she’s done her research and she understands what people want, right?

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No okay, we’ll move on. At least she’s got a unique idea, right? She’s found a gap in the market, low carb ready meals made with vegetable fibres, no-one’s done that yet, and she –

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Yikes. Well, lucky for Roisin, she didn’t really get torn apart by the interviewers; there wasn’t really any shouting and screaming, apart from maybe Claude getting a bit shirty about credit

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Chill out, baldy. He’s just jealous, Roisin. Jealous that he has those unnecessarily long ears, and jealous that you reminded me of the Ghetto Superstar video in this bit for some reason

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How do you think it went though, Roisin?

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The proposal:


I’m already unconfident, Dan, I’ll be honest. You’re proposing an EVENTS company. People start those every day without Lord Sugar’s help. But hey, you’re an award-winning salesman, right?

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Uh-oh. Well, at least you can still stand behind the fact that you ‘made a profit of £15,000′ for a New years Eve [sic] event, and ‘raised £10,000 for Cancer Research’. And hey, let’s not forget you were ‘Footballer of the Year 2003 at Hornchurch Football club’, all very relevant to the business sector. I assume you haven’t won any awards for your grammar, though.

How has all that bragging about being ‘uneducated’ working out for you, Daniel? Or should I say, ‘under-educated’? Or even ‘under-exagger-ucated’? Fucking dimwit.

unde exagg

 I loved this bit, which is just as true out of context:


Is it just me, or do the chairs in Claude and Claudine’s interviews make the person sitting in them look really, really weird? Or maybe it’s just Daniel…

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He’s been a whiney baby through this whole series, but I doubt he’d be stupid enough to bring that ‘poor me’ attitude into an interview, I mean surely….



Proved me wrong again, Danny boy. Oh well. At least you gave me this amazing set of facial expressions to put into my roundup.


Oh yeah, and Daniel? The 90’s called – they want their worn out phrase back – NOT, HAHAHA. Not but seriously, they did call and they do want it back. In fact, you know what? They want the whole lot back, go on, fuck off back to 1997 and stay there.

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The proposal:


His interview with Ricky got off to a bad start for me, when Ricky couldn’t even highlight a single sentence in a straight line.

ricky highlighter

I mean, come on, Ricky, you’re better than that.

In fact, I find it hard to believe that Ricky Martin isn’t three children stacked on top of one another in a suit, à la Vincent Adultman from Bojack Horseman. I mean, look at what happened with the phone-call role-play.

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Unprofessional, if you ask me. Then he messed Mark around, and to be fair I would have reacted in exactly the same way that Mark did. Mindgames.


Mark was also keen to practice his “I ain’t been edumacated, I’m just a poor Australian cobber tryin’ to keep the dingoes from the door” card between interviews. BORING.

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 And he made his business proposal all SNAZZY with quotes and graphics

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But all Ricky was interested in talking about was what he gets up to in the alleys and dog-parks of London.

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And sure, Mark’s business proposal is nothing new, but that hasn’t stopped ol’ Easter Island from having confidence in his idea.

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*said in Night of The Museum voice* Give me some gum gum

Also – either Mark is really tall, or this room is situated in that weird, half-height floor from Being John Malkovich.

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The proposal: 


Which I reckon is the best idea in this series, although surprise, surprise, this old white man can’t see a market for it


One thing I noticed from Bianca’s interviews is that while Mike and Claude discussed the actual business side of things with her, the interviews with Ricky and Claudine were either really poor or just edited that way, because this happened:

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And it all went downhill from there – on the part of the interviewers, that is. Because look at Bianca’s face. How can Claudine tell, from having just met Bianca, whether or not she has a personality? I have a theory about why she asked this, and it’s that she’s surprised to be face-to-face with a young, intelligent, composed black woman who challenges the stereotypes she has come to expect.


I personally find Roisin to be robotic, but no-one mentioned it to her.  I guarantee you that part of the reason behind these comments is that they honestly cannot get their heads around the fact that Bianca is so measured, like it’s a surprise to them that black women are actually capable of anything other than living up to some shitty stereotype perpetuated by television shows.

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You know, it’s shitty that she was forced into that uncomfortable conversation, which I reckon was done because they probably couldn’t find many (if any) faults in her business plan. But she got these comments from Nick and Mike in the feedback, which I think says a lot:



And finally, of course:


The proposal:

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He was as prepared as he was ever going to be…

nitty gritty

 Yes, it’s all in there next to some bunched up plasticine and a book of wordsearches where Solomon just keeps scribbling the letters of his own name over the letters he doesn’t recognise (11 out of the 26).

And his interview with Claude got off to an especially bad start


But more on that later. His interview with Mike Souter was, how shall I put this? Interesting. Solomon is from the ‘ideas generation’ though, he can handle it – after all, he’s so brimming with ideas that he’s constantly jotting them down on the Notes app on his phone. There’s no way to prove that, I guess, but-

pitch me some

Oh shit, called out, son. Fine, go ahead.


Oh god


“I got another idea. You do, like, a TV show with a businessman and you do, like, tasks every week and then the one left at the end goes into business with him”

Onto that flimsy business proposal, then.

half pictures

 I’m sure Lord Sugar’s money would be in safe hands, though

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And as I knew this would be Solomon’s last episode, I was hoping he’d give good face. He delivered.


Now, time for Claude.

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Aside from the awkward handshake moment, it started pretty well. Or so it seemed. Claude praised Solomon’s CV and his enterprising nature for starting a business while he was still at university. But then, having lured poor young Solomon into his compliment-laden trap, Claude went in for the attack.




The best moment of it was this – exactly how anyone else would have reacted after an interview like that.

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Fair play to Solomon, he told the others exactly how it went, rather than lying and pretending he breezed it.


 I normally don’t include bits from The Apprentice: You’re Fired, but I thought that this continuity needed to be pointed out:


Well said, that man.

So next week is the final, and if you’re reading this then you already know that it’s Bianca versus Mark. I am firmly TEAM BIANCA, because her idea is great and also she is awesome and deserves to win – she hasn’t been manipulative, she’s played clean and fair through the whole show. Plus she’s from Sydenham, that’s not too far from me and I want a local-ish girl to win – we already had a Croydon boy win X Factor, it’s time for South London and Surrey to TAKE OVER TELEVISION!

Don’t forget, the final is on Sunday night at 9pm followed by You’re Hired as basically part of the same show. See you there for muchos tweeting? Das ist gut.

The Apprentice 2014 Episode 10 – DTSFT Roundup


Now, if there’s one thing I know about, it’s delicious food. This week’s task saw the candidates create a ‘luxury dessert’ to sell to Waitrose and a few other shops. It was never going to be as exciting as the other tasks where they end up running around and trying to sell all their stock; these tasks are pretty straightforward and therefore they have fewer opportunities for drama, in my opinion. That doesn’t mean they’re less watchable, even with Solomon’s bloody idiot face on screen all the sodding time. To be quite honest, all this episode did was make me hungry for custard. Custard and blood – or as it’s known in Shakeaway, ‘The Hungry Helen’.

Here’s your roundup, you filthy apes:

Roisin tells Katie they’re going to the Tate. Katie asks “Like the art gallery?”

No Katie, the torture chamber, of course the sodding art gallery

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If that was the case, Katie, I’m sure Solomon’s offering would be just shit and apricot jam smeared on an Etch-A-Sketch



None of your business what I spend my money on, thank you very much, bit rude

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So Lord Sugar set them off on their ‘luxury pudding’ task. I feel like one team was more likely to feel inspired to be creative than the other, for some reason…

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I think she was chosen to lead the team because her name is the closest to a food than any of the others (raisin), but clearly Roisin couldn’t wait to get her teeth into this task anyway

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And Katie was living Sarah’s citrussy dream when she was tasting those ingredients

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Sweet Pleasure is an Ann Summers range isn’t it?

terrible name

Daniel is one of those bastards who really wants to play on the ‘I’m uneducated, meh meh, I’m a self-made man” nonsense. Just shut up. People on this show always think that saying they didn’t go to university will make Lord Sugar like them more, as if he’s some anti-intellectual reverse-snob.

show fits

Honestly, just shut up


I can’t explain how little patience I have with Solomon. There’s nothing you could say to me to convince me that he hasn’t suffered some kind of massive, near-fatal head injury.


I mean honestly


I’m so done

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Just look at this stupid face. I promise you, these expressions were prompted by absolutely NOTHING.

stupid face

In the kitchen, Katie tried out the ingredients for ‘A Trifle Different’ (more like A DIFFERENT TRIFLE, AMIRITE? No? Fine, be like that) although she wasn’t sure if they were safe to eat or not…


…but when you’re asking this bloke, who looks like he’s assessing Katie’s skin for his next lampshade, could you really be sure that he has your best interests at heart?

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“My middle name’s ‘Generous’, by the way”  Really? Mine’s ‘Short Fuse’, now fuck off



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“Chilli sauce? All salad?”

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“The name is Tea Pot, it’s a play on the words Tea Pot” – No, that’s not a play on words, it’s just the words, idiot

As far as I’m concerned, there’s nothing luxurious about ANY dessert that you can buy in a jar, you’re never going to win. Luxury for me would be having someone bring me a massive cake on a plate while ANGELS SURROUND ME WITH A WARMING GLOW AND TRANQUIL HARP MUSIC. And I think I know which of these two desserts looks more appetising:

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I’ve seen these grazing consumers that Roisin keeps referring too, but they’re not knocking about in Waitrose – they’re in fields next to the motorway.

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This bloke’s comedy stylings – you just know that as soon as he heard there was tea involved he had that joke… brewing. SEE?! I’M PART OF IT! HAHAH!

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Mark thinks of himself as a ‘prize stallion’, but…have you ever seen a prize stallion cough?

throat 1

They shoot horses, don’t they, Mark?

throat 2

Nah but 10/10 would still bang

Karren went HAM in this episode, she didn’t let anything slip between the cracks – taking down Sanjay for his comments about Bianca, then Katie for trying to play down how poorly her product was received – dammmmn girl

karen 1

Katie’s turn was next:
karen 2

Sanjay got caught up in Karren’s take-down of Mark

karen 3

Boss. Ass. Bitch.

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Nick got a precision shot in too:


And it seems like word of Mark’s dry throat problem had spread to the other candidates, who were keen not to ‘pull a Mark’ (copyright pending)

pull a mark

Those blue macaroons on the prize looked rank, ugh, food isn’t meant to be blue, that’s just SCIENCE


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So, in the boardroom Lord Sugar questioned the feasibility of the three candidates’ business proposals. Now, I know that they’re putting these people through knowing that what they *say* they do is not what they *actually* do. Also do they not have to submit some kind of summary of their business proposal as part of the application? Why would you let Sanjay even be on the show if you know his business idea isn’t lucrative?  I also don’t believe that ‘opening a restaurant’ is a substantial enough idea for going into business with Lord Sugar, it’s too basic.

Ultimately, I think the right candidates were fired. How do these people stay so respectful when they’ve been fired? I’d be kicking the chairs over, throwing water at Karren and Nick, pulling the receptionists hair. Blaze of glory, mate. Next episode is – drumroll please – now stop the drumroll and continue reading, sorry that was unproductive – THE INTERVIEW ROUND! The trailer showed Bianca crying which makes me sad, because I want her to win and also not be sad. But you know this one is going to be as brilliant as ever, I live for this episode of each series, and even better is that RICKY MARTIN is back! Not, y’know, that Ricky Martin, but… wait where are you going? It’s still going be good, guys, hey, HEY HEY COME BACK! SHE BANGS! SHE BANGS!

The Apprentice 2014 Episode 9 – DTSFT Roundup


BOOM BANG-A-BANG, BITCHES! I’m all caught up!

Yeaaaaah this episode involved the task of the candidates buying items for the lowest possible price, featuring some of the ‘favourite’ items from the ten previous years of this show (oud, anyone?) as if we can actually remember any. I kind of wish James had been there, as his hyperactive personality would have gone well with the running around and trying to haggle (mostly unsuccessfully), trying to show everyone how good of a salesman you can be. Also,  I loved how this task involved a lot of people blustering about how well they know London – everyone from Greater London has done that at some point, and 9 times out of 10 they are bullshitting you. Apart from when I do it, of course…

Here’s the roundup –

First up, let’s talk about how gloomy the opening shots were – very CINEMATIC, because Lord Sugar, the pantomime villain, was creeping towards the house in his ridiculously expensive chauffeur-driven car.


And let’s talk about Solomon, shall we? What the FUCK are you doing, mate?

Solomon running

This bit of visual comedy:

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“I just wanna talk to you about Jesus for a min-“

“No thank you, sir, not today”

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Look at little Felipe, oh oh OHHHHHHHH, OHHHH WHAT A LOOOONELY BOY

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“dey r jus ppl lyk evr1 else”

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And excuse me, but whose chicken leg is that in the middle, because it’s freaking me out:

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“We need to build team ethics” Daniel, while you’re out there doing some shopping, get yourself a dictionary

I also enjoyed Daniel’s little masterclass on how to win this task, which was essentially “Errrrrr go and get the stuff and try to get the lowest price, like really try, guys”

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Why didn’t anyone just turn up and present their own body and go “full sized human skeleton, it’s just underneath my skin”

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The way Karen was like “Well, independent jewellers don’t carry loose stones – diamond dealers carry loose stones”, as if that was common knowledge. SOME OF US HAVE TO GET OUR DIAMONDS FROM PRIMARK, BRADY.

When was the last time you saw two blokes at a bus stop, carrying a single chicken between them and high-fiving? Apart from in this episode.

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The amount of times they try to buy something that costs, say, £60, and then go “Oh I can’t pay more than £45 for it” and then hand over three £20 notes and ask for change – son, you can pay £60 and you WILL pay £60.


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Meanwhile, Solomon was having fun with the skeleton. This stupid, stupid idiot.

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I would not accept this as a handshake from a so-called professional

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Even though he didn’t get the best deal on the diamonds, at least Daniel pulled:


Unlike this dude, who probably did everything he could to prevent his (I assume now ex-) wife from watching this episode. Sweaty, dirty git.

ginger wife

Lovely bit of team-bonding here with Daniel and Felipe…


If only they knew what was to come…

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Look, I need to weigh-in on ‘Skeletongate’ (god I fucking hate Twitter sometimes). First off, I loved Felipe’s idea of getting a paper skeleton, because he’s right, it didn’t specify that it needed to be constructed and it didn’t specify the material either. Lord Sugar only whacked that extra £300 on as the penalty because he didn’t like that Felipe showed him up – wouldn’t you want someone who pays attention to the details to be part of your organisation? I would. I’d hire Felipe as my lawyer in a New York minute. Also, this definitely happened:

skeletongate 1

So this shouldn’t have happened:

boardroom skeleton5

In fact you know what, I’ve got bare boardroom screenshots, let’s lay it out.

boardroom skeleton1 boardroom skeleton2


boardroom skeleton3 boardroom skeleton4 boardroom skeleton6 boardroom skeleton7 boardroom skeleton8

Plus, I’m starting to hate Katie so much after the last few weeks – she’s seen that Lord Sugar has identified her as somewhat of a mediator between Daniel and Mark and now she thinks she’s the only level-headed person there.

But I don’t think even she would mess with Nick:

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Seeing his way out, Felipe tries to get back on Lord Sugar’s good side by saying how he would have fixed the rope situation without scissors:

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He looked deadly serious too. Don’t fuck with Colombians, man.

The sliiiiightly hostile oud oil guy got on my nerves, you know, but he was funny when they went from £49 to £45 and he caught them out.

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On a council estate, they always are, mate

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To end on a brighter note – more London p-o-r-n


Next episode is TONIGHT and if I’m home I’ll be LIVE-TWEETING AS EVER so SEE YOU THEN. I don’t know WHY I’M ‘SHOUTING’

The Apprentice 2014 Episode 8 – DTSFT Roundup


Super late but I’m only a little bit sorry because I know all two of you who read this (there has been a 100% increase in the readership of these Apprentice posts) probably didn’t miss it that much.

Episode 8 took place at an agricultural fair, where the teams were tasked with picking products to sell and then selling the crap out of them – a great opportunity for us to hear from each of the candidates about how they were “born to sell” and other cheesy, worn-out catchphrases. All that fresh country air must have not agreed with Daniel, because you could see how wound up he was through the whole task, and it seemed to be catching as he and Felipe were at each other’s throats. Poor little mole.

Here’s your roundup:

Daniel, stop slicking down your hair, it makes you look awful and boulder-faced. This little glimpse of ruffled bedhead was a big improvement:

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The candidates having to pick from the absolutely rubbish ‘debut’ items was so cringe-worthy, having to pretend to be interested in any of those products would be too much for me

 The director’s cut of the Twix advert

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Honestly look at this utter tat, and the ridiculous prices – daylight robbery

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“Oh wow!” What an overreaction

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Some quality facial expressions from both teams, but given the shite they had to peddle, can you blame them?

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This barbecue, who obviously had many stories to tell but no-one to hear them

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When I thought this man had a cheeky yet ill-advised ponytail

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But his shitty head was the least of this man’s worries, because James’s faux-pas was about to set in motion one of his worst performances from the whole series…

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And when he lost the task, he took the news with his trademark class

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Though Daniel came close to screwing his team over with his irritating ‘PASSION BRAND PASSION’ nonsense:


There’s always one, in’t there?

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Can someone have a word with Solomon, please?


Alright Daniel, babes?

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I think Sanjay’s been reading my posts and has seen my jokes about his ‘good looks’. Sorry, mate. From now on, us Anglo Indians stick together (I’m assuming you’re Anglo, mate, name like Sood-Smith)

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Great reaction shots from the on-lookers when Daniel and Felipe were bickering

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This dude just carrying a cutie lamb around and making it look easy. But I wonder where he got that lamb, and if its mother knows it is gone…

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Oh no…

This was Hannah's favourite moment, rightly so

This was Hannah’s favourite moment, rightly so

Mumford and Sons’ dads made their television debut

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You know when you’re stuck for what to get the DTSFT girls for Christmas, and you’re just like:

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Back in the boardroom, Daniel and Felipe’s bickering was filtered back to Lord Sugar, who wasn’t impressed. Felipe seemed so hurt by Daniel’s arsehole ways, I felt so sorry for him

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Especially when he said this:

nice man

And Katie was so smug about Lord Sugar calling her ‘Mummy’. Kinky Geordie bitch.


And James finally came clean to his team about the real reason why they went with the tractors instead of the hot tubs as originally planned

derek instead of anthony

When James was laying into Roisin, she stood up herself so well – I feel, however, that from the look on Bianca’s face, things would have been different if he’d been facing the other way and disparaging her.

“Try me… fucking try me, son”

The winning team – obviously not James’s – were sent to a boxing session as their treat from Daddy Sugar. I must state clearly that exercise is NOT a treat, and I will be writing to the BBC to complain about this oversight.  But we finally got to see Mark and Daniel go at it… sort of

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Oh well, maybe we’ll get to see them go at it properly another time. Maybe get them in some kind of abandoned quarry, shirtless and dirty, just grappling and… and…

Excuse me.

The Apprentice 2014 Episode 7 – DTSFT Roundup


Well, hasn’t it been a bloody while since I did the roundup? Yes, I missed the last one because of stupid illness, but I’m BACK, bitches. No wait, not bitches, friends and readers, that’s better.

So this episode we saw the two teams coming up with a drink from the recipe conception to the pitch, with a slight twist – half of each team were in New York filming adverts and doing pitches, while the other half of each team were at home in London coming up with the actual drink and the rest of the marketing campaign. It’s cool to see the candidates taking on tasks like this, partly because it’s interesting to see what they can create (in this case ‘Big Dawg’ and ‘Aqua Fusion’), but also mostly because I like to see when someone has an idea that they really want to go with but no-one else is buying it, like Sarah with her lemons way back at the start. Also, you knew as soon as the New York trip got thrown into the mix that there’d be at least one person sorely put out to not be going; in this case, it was Daniel and Sanjay who were held back in London, and spent the rest of the task griping about it.

Here’s the roundup:

Look at this excitable prick running around first thing in the morning, just fuck off, you’re an adult.


Nick, being tired of everyone’s shit before the task even started
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Lord Sugar’s other business call was just an excuse, I reckon old Alan’s just tired of looking at those pasty, disgusting faces in the flesh. This looks like a scene from a poorly cast remake of George Orwell’s 1984

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Katie telling Felipe “We can’t all go”, fully expecting that Felipe would be kept back in London instead of her

Mark’s lie about working in marketing and advertising was like when you put “childcare” on your CV when you’ve really just done some babysitting

It looks like they’re working in some kind of restaurant kitchen based on this shot

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“I will work my nuts off to get the best product” Please don’t say that about a drink and then suggest ‘Love Water’, Daniel. It really doesn’t ‘excel expectations’.

How has this idiot lasted so long?

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You could tell just by looking at it that Tenacity’s drink was going to taste weak, it looked watery as fuck.

Loved Roisin’s line “Sanjay, if you listen to anything James says, you’re a fool”

Katie looked a little bit like a witch in this scene, which was also weirdly reminiscent of the candle-making episode

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This is not a face that inspires confidence in a product.

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James saying “dragonfly” instead of “dragonfruit” made me want to punch him in the throat. If only James’ lifespan was 24 hours…

The design company’s cat was obviously the star of the show

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And the look on this guy’s face was priceless

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I paused the video at this facial expression from Felipe purely by accident and felt it was necessary to include it.

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Look at Solomon’s smug, stupid bastard face

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This shot of all the people who were impressed by the two drinks on offer in this task

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Come on now, readers, let us know – what dog would YOU be? Personally I’d be one of them dogs that carries brandy or whatever round the mountains. They definitely exist.

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How sly is it to just say “Can you just be better at catching?” Felipe, why can’t you just be better throwing?



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 “The world is as big as our oyster” James, just… just don’t.

Loved Bianca’s cheeky face when she said “We’re just going to PAW some samples out for you”

When James, Bianca and Sanjay got trapped inside a giant one of those utensil holders from IKEA.

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Does anyone else find it so annoying when they say stuff like “We chose bright colours to stand out and a large font to be visible etc etc”, basic level stuff that’s so fucking obvious, you don’t need it described?

Do you need someone to make every conversation awkward and force a sexual innuendo into every single situation? This looks like a job for… Phallic Symbol Guy! Fucking idiot.

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Lauren’s pitch was like when you haven’t prepared for a project at school, just reading out verbatim what’s been printed out the night before.

I normally don’t like Daniel – I believe I’ve made that clear several times – but on this task I feel like Mark was definitely setting him up from the beginning. I liked when he mimicked Lauren’s line in the advert – I think he’s being edited as a more humourless, mean version of himself, like we’re not getting the whole story.

As soon as they went into the boardroom I realised that next week there’ll only be one person standing up in front of Lord Sugar – awkwaaaaard.

What was also awkward was when Lauren ALMOST left Felipe hanging after the pitch

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You can always trust Karen to be straight to the point – “There was no way James wasn’t going to New York, was there?”

Sanjay was so upset that James didn’t push for him to go to America, he was SO JEALOUS, that’s why he bitched and moaned through the whole episode. Remember how he called himself a 9 out of 10?

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Yeah it’s an arty shot or whatever but I’m just interested in those bakewell tarts, baby

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I think Daniel took Mark down in the boardroom, I don’t care what anyone says – sure, his choices for the design got rightly slated, but I like how Daniel called Mark out on his sayings, accusing him of having them stored away to use, so true.

Daniel was certainly determined not to go home this week, as shown here with his ‘defiant-little-boy-doesn’t-want-to-eat-his-vegetables’ face

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And finally, there was the crazy beautiful scenic p-o-r-n, special New York edition

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I know, right?

Next week’s episode is something to do with a country fair, and I just know that the actual task is going to be boring as hell but I’m praying to all the religious deities that James falls on his stupid face into a pile of pig shit.

The Apprentice 2014 Episode 5 – DTSFT Roundup


Oh, reader – and I say ‘reader’ rather than ‘readers’ because I know there’s only one of you out there *waves* – if you follow me on Twitter (which I know you don’t) you will know I normally live-tweet The Apprentice along with all the other fans. But alas, it was not to be for this episode, and so I missed the delightful antics of our favourite besuited idiots. However, when I got home, my dad promptly told me whose team had won – I mean, what the hell? He followed it with “Ah, but I didn’t tell you who got FIRED, did I?” as if he’d highlighted some hilarious loophole. So I killed him. After a relatively simple clean-up, I was too annoyed to watch the episode and do the roundup that night, so instead I waited until the last bloody minute and made sure it was ready for the day of the next episode. You know, so you can have a recap that you don’t need and won’t read. Whatever, I don’t ever care.

As you all will remember, it was the coach trip task – slightly different from what they’ve had to do before, the memorable London bus tour task being the first and most similar one that comes to mind. Did they do a good job? No, of course not. These people are all terrible, and you should know that by now. Okay, not all of them, but most of them. Let’s look at the roundup to see some reasons why…

The announcer saying “Junction 23 of the M25” as if it was something glamorous

The 70s jet-setting style music when the cars pulled up at the start

And Karen, Lord Sugar and Nick looking like the villainous crew in a trashy action film

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When Daniel used the the analogy of good chess players and lumped himself in with them – nah son, look at your egg-shaped self and calm down

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No joke, Mark is consistently impressive – my dad said from episode one he thought that he was the one to watch, and I think he’s right!

Sanjay and Gemma looking like they’re on their way to audition for a Specsavers advert

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“Hever castle is INSANE” Dude, Solomon, chill out

James trying to haggle with the lady from Hever Castle was fantastic.

“How about we-”


“How about-”



“Please leave.”

Daniel always looks like he’s just got off the dance-floor at his younger brother’s wedding

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And I’ll be honest, when Nick said “Daniel, a master salesman, a fat zero” I thought he was just describing Daniel, not talking about sales.

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I think this picture gives an accurate idea of how Sanjay and Gemma each felt through the whole of the task

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Lauren has been my favourite of the girls in terms of actual competence – she always seems to have her head screwed on, although she’s a bit moany

Sarah would have loved this colour scheme, such a shame she’s not in the game anymore

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Fully expected this chick (name still unknown) to get a headache from the repeated eye-rolling…

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…but it caught on later in the boardroom, inspiring some creepy solo action from Lord Sugar’s left eye…

Serious eye-game from Lord Sugar here, two different directions, well played

…which in turn was eerily reminiscent of this playa from earlier in the show.

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We were all Karen at this point


Just imagine if she’d actually just gone, “Fuck this, I’m an ACTUAL businesswoman” and just smashed the glass, sent all the customers home in a taxi and just laid into the team.

Dammit Karen, why didn’t you do that instead?

This was actually an intervention that they interrupted, to stop Sebastien (in the centre, wearing his shitty hat and bow-tie combo) from wearing his shitty hat and bow-tie combo.

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But it obviously didn’t work, because as we later saw, his influence rubbed off on Felipe.


*James Ingram voice*


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Can you believe that at the start of the tour, this was Ariana Grande?

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And by the end of the tour she was DEAD?

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One less, one less problem

How are you going to sit in front of Lord Sugar and tell him you’re “not going to get sucked into it”? That’s what you’re THERE FOR.

“Flannel is for the bathroom, not the boardroom”

Daniel was so bitter that the team didn’t attribute their victory to him hahaha

daniel idiot

“I’d rather win ugly than lose being liked” But Daniel, don’t you see? You’re already ugly, mate.

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Speaking of ugly, Roisin babe, you need to just be aware, come on, you look like a horse confused by a sandwich.


Sorry but “If Anne Boleyn’s neck had been as thick as you she might still be alive” is my favourite line. Over 500 years old, but sure, still alive.

It’s so obvious that Sanjay got caught up in having fun with James, like when the quiet kid somehow makes friends with the naughty one in class and they both get hyper and can’t calm down until they get in trouble. Except they’re both adults so they just seem like fucking idiots.

Poor Gemma. But don’t feed Lord Sugar that line about “I’m the girl who always almost wins”, you’re just asking to be fired with something like that.

Have you ever seen Nick give such a disgusted to look? Hahaha

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Loved that last little bit at the house where everyone was criticising Daniel, god I want to punch him in his stupid, massive face.

Finally, some more of those sweet sweet filler shots, this time not just London…

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I will be back on time with the posts after the next episode, I promise. What’s that? You don’t give a shit?