Jupiter Ascending review: Out-of-this-world bad

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(Picture: Warner Bros)

Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis) leads a humdrum life cleaning toilets, until one day she is targeted by the ruthless son of a powerful family that live on a planet awaiting a new heir. Along with a genetically engineered soldier called Caine (Channing Tatum), she sets out to stop his evil reign.

There’s a scene in which Jupiter is knocked out while wearing a hospital gown. When she comes to, Caine, a genetically engineered soldier she hardly knows (at this point) is in the room. When Jupiter notes she is back in her normal clothes, Caine admits that he changed them – while she was unconscious –  and Jupiter is only mildly annoyed. This isn’t the only instance where this happens.

Will the Wachowskis ever make anything as good as The Matrix? I know it’s unfair to keep comparing, but it becomes more and more apparent with each middling-to-meh movie they make (Cloud Atlas, middling; Speed Racer, meh).

The Matrix had both mind-melting visuals AND a decent plot about survival and the strength of the human spirit – I think. Ascending is totally lacking in story. It’s like they took the basic idea of  “Channing Tatum as a space dog on rollerskates” and tried to mould a plot around it, which would explain why the story jumps all over the place, with some parts of it abandoned altogether. Dialogue feels like filler between action sequences, and even they’re dodgy – the two leads look like blurry splotches against the sky during an spaceship-chase near the beginning.

There is zero chemistry between Channing and Mila, both solid actors trying to make the best of a bad script. Eddie Redmayne, that’s OSCAR NOMINATED Eddie Redmayne, is great in The Theory Of Everything but laughably hammy in this, like a Lidl-version of Voldemort. Douglas Booth and Tuppence Middleton are ineffectual and forgettable – in fact they’re literally forgotten by the film’s last third. They just disappear and their stories are never resolved. Sean Bean is clearly there for the pay check, talking about bees and how they’re ‘designed to recognise royalty’ (WHAT), but at least you can have fun guessing whether he’s going to bite the dust this time or not.

I could say go and see Jupiter Ascending if you’re after some easygoing Friday night fun at the cinema, but Shaun The Sheep The Movie is out, so see that instead.

ONE OUT OF FIVE

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5 Things That Need To Stop in 2015

Another year has passed, and so much hasn’t changed. World, I’m ashamed of you.  As you might remember from previous years, this yearly list doesn’t tackle big issues like racism, sexism, how dreadful Richard Ayoade is, or the fact that people are stupid enough to buy something called ‘Smart Water’. No, this is basically just a list of stuff that has annoyed me this year, so I think they should stop. As ever, don’t worry if there are things on this list that you disagree with, because just remember – your opinion doesn’t matter to anyone but you. Happy New Year!

5. Clunky shoes

Look, I don’t know what the hell is happening here, but fashion is going backwards – and not in a good way. I’m all for self-expression (I’m not, I’m really not okay with it and I believe that we should all wear government-issued uniforms and live in Levittown houses) but these clunky shoes are the fugliest things ever.

Don't disagree with me, because you are wrong

Don’t disagree with me, because you are wrong

Do you remember the 90s? I remember some of it – not because I was WASTED and having MAD BANTZ but because I was a child, you numbnuts, an innocent, beautiful child. And these shoes were around back then, at the same time that the Spice Girls tried to bring them back. Sadly, no matter how many times I asked my mum if I could get a pair she’d always reply “No, you idiot, you’re already freakishly tall for your age, the doctors think there’s something wrong with you”, and I’d have to attend birthday parties in my flat shoes like some kind of penniless cretin while my peers strutted around in their colourful platform shoes. Well, the jokes on you, mum – I topped out at 5’4”, so can I get my clunky platform shoes now?

Er, on seconds thoughts, no. But speaking of the Spice Girls…

4. Geri Halliwell

I’m tired of the Spice Girls trying it, to be honest. The Olympics thing was great and everything, but there’s no need for them to even try to have solo careers anymore, the time has passed. Baby’s happy on Heart FM, Mel B’s been on and off TV and done some fitness videos, Posh is highly accomplished in the fashion world, and despite my best efforts to make it happen, Sporty hasn’t fallen off the face of the earth. Earlier this year I had to write an article for some freelancing stuff about Geri Halliwell’s new music video. I hadn’t even realised that she was back on the music scene, and while part of me was hoping that it would be a cheeky bit of shameless (albeit painfully nasal) pop like at least 40% of Schizophonic (don’t act like Bag It Up wasn’t a banger), I knew we’d be getting something more along the lines of literally any fucking thing off of Scream If You Wanna Go Faster. Fair play to Halliwell, she was never the strongest singer in the Spice Girls, but she managed to get at least two albums out of being a personality, a celebrity, a household name.

So I watched the video, hoping that it wouldn’t be totally bloody awful.

As you can see, it’s the worst thing in the history of the world. Just look at these RANDOM characters! I like to think of them as the new Spice Girls.

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Geri, you know what you’ve done wrong, but instead of trying to fix it with another song, please just re-release Schizophonic…

3. Stupid things

I hate stupid things, and I’m sure you do too. Remember the thing I just said about shoes? Those are stupid things, and like many things, they need to stop, and fuck off forever. Ahem.

26th Annual Santa Barbara International Film Festival - Day 3

2. Politics and economy

I’ve looked over previous “Things That Need To Stop” posts that I’ve written, and I’m worried that the things I’ve chosen in the past have been sort of frivolous and petty. So I’ve decided to tackle some political issues here, going to be really serious for number two (hahah poo). Here goes…

Politics, eh? The bloody economy and all, arrrgghhh, mental isn’t it? It’s like, who are we even voting for? Corporations and that. Mansion and bedroom taxes, I’m like, LibDems and Question Time, you know? To summarise:

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Nailed it.

1. Twitter

Right, number one (hahaha, wee-wee) really is serious business. 8da5034e526a4d293d6a8b90ab53f93f

Twitter, I’m sick of you. You people out there, on your phones, thinking your opinions matter and posting pictures and manually retweeting things just to comment “LOL” and “I’m dead”, you’ve ruined what Twitter was meant to be; a place where bird-watching enthusiast could get together to update one another on their weekly, even daily bird-sightings in a safe environment. And then you people came along, you people with your jokes and your pictures and your hashtags – did you know that the first ever hashtag was #LesserSpottedWoodpecker? No, I don’t suppose you did. I’m determined to make 2015 the year that Twitter dies. Look what Twitter is capable of.

It has given young girls across the world a way to hate other girls they’ve never met, purely for the reason that they like different boybands who don’t even know they exist as individuals. It has made it possible for people to join in Twitter conversations just to make hyperbolically hateful, sexist, racist, or homophobic comments because they can hide behind the anonymity of an egg avi the internet. It has made it increasingly difficult for people around the world to enjoy a television show spoiler-free because idiots don’t understand how to just shut the hell up about the big twist or reveal in a show. I truly hope that 2015 is the year that Twitter just stops because I’m sick of people and people are mostly on Twitter these days. I just can’t escape them.

Then again, Twitter did manage to get Dapper Laughs to look like this:

Never forget.

Never forget.

So maybe it’s not all bad…

Women of the Year 2014

Malala Yousafzai

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It would be impossible to have a list of the Women of The Year without including this phenomenal young lady. As the survivor of an assassination attempt and, at just 17 years old, the youngest ever Nobel Prize laureate, Malala continues to inspire women across the world with her campaign for human rights, particularly with regards to access to education for women and children in Pakistan and other countries. This is one woman who could truly change the world.

Sophie Hannah

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Sophie Hannah’s books have been popular with crime and fiction fans for a long time, but it is her 2014 offering that has earned Ms Hannah a place on this year’s Women of The Year list. The Monogram Murders is the newest Hercule Poirot mystery – now, we know that it’s damn near impossible to fill Agatha Christie’s shoes, but we can’t think of anyone better to take a shot at it than Sophie Hannah.

Gillian Anderson

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2014 was truly a great year for Gillian Anderson. Not only did her performance in the second series of The Fall get great reviews, she also had an award-winning run as Blanche DuBois in the National Theatre’s staging of A Streetcar Named Desire. And as if that wasn’t enough for Anderson to be getting on with, in October of this year she published her first novel, A Vision of Fire, which quickly became a New York Times Bestseller.

Jess Glynne

Jess Glynne Performs At Electric Brixton In London

On Clean Bandit’s absolute banger of a tune, ‘Rather Be’, Jesse Glynne’s voice was all over the radio this year. But rather than fade away like so many featured vocalists, Glynne released her own solo material off the back off the success of ‘Rather Be’; with her husky, soulful voice reminiscent of (and dare I say it, much more interesting than) Adele, the 90’s dance vibe of ‘Right Here’ has hopefully set Jess up for a solid music career.

Lupita Nyong’o

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Sure, we included Lupita on last year’s list but that was before she won her Oscar, so she’s earned her place on this year’s list too! Not content to impress us with her powerful performance in 12 Years A Slave, Lupita’s classy and earnest acceptance speech at the Oscars earned her a place in our hearts. We can’t wait to see what’s next for her!

Ilana Glazer and Abbi Jacobson

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If you haven’t been watching Broad City, the Comedy Central sitcom about two twenty-something women in New York, you’re missing out. This weird and hilarious show centres around Ilana and Abbi’s fictionalised versions of themselves, struggling to make ends meet and always managing to get into weird situations. It’s bold, cool and most importantly, totally hilarious – I can’t wait for series two!

Jennifer Kent

Jennifer Kent

The Babadook was easily one of the best films of the year – utterly terrifying without relying on grisly shock-gore or worn out cliches, the sense of claustrophobic terror created instead by tricks of the light and clever sound editing. The character from the film, Mister Babadook, was so scary and popular that Kent is publishing the pop-up book from the film in 2015. Just try and stop me from buying it, I dare you, I DARE YOU

Men of the Year 2014

David Oyelowo

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You may or may not recognise the name, but you will sure as hell recognise the man. Mr Oyelowo has been in some of the biggest films of the last five years – The Help, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, and Lincoln to name just three – and this year was no different. With roles in Interstellar and A Most Violent Year, David’s career seems to be getting bigger and better, culminating in a brilliant performance as Martin Luther King Jr. in the highly recommended Selma. As our very own Sarah put it, he’s come a long way since Spooks.

Chris Pratt

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Whether he’s Fat Pratt or Six Pack Pratt, we’re smitten with the Parks and Recreation star – his turn as Star-Lord in Guardians Of The Galaxy has seen him go from (please excuse this next word) cuddly, cute comedy actor to bonafide box-office banger. And before you say it, no it’s not *just* his looks that have us hooked – Pratt’s hilarious performance as Emmet in The Lego Movie appealed to viewers of all ages and his voice was perfect for the earnest and enthusiastic hero. And good lord was it difficult to make a decision on which picture of him to use for this post. I spent HOURS researching…

John Boyega

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Since the end of November, there’s only one film anyone has been talking about, and it doesn’t even come out for another year – Star Wars VII: The Force Awakens. The trailer opens with a young man popping up on screen looking panicked and exhausted – that’s our John Boy(ega)! With a lead role in arguably the most hotly anticipated film of next year, we’re so impressed that the star of Attack The Block and Half of A Yellow Sun has seen so much success so early on in his career – and he’s still only 22 years old!

John Oliver

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When Jon Stewart took a break from hosting The Daily Show this summer to direct his film Rosewater, he could have picked any of the show’s correspondents to stand in for him, and he chose the only British one. John Oliver did a fantastic job of hosting the show; he was already hugely popular with the audience, you could tell this from the rapturous applause he received whenever he hosted a segment. His brand of super-sarcastic, verbose humour was wasted on the absolutely dire Mock The Week, and he’s much better suited and appreciated in his role as a correspondent on a fake news show. Sure, he looks like a Jim Henson muppet come to life, but he actually did such a good job that he was given his own show on HBO, Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, which is similar to The Daily Show but with even more sarcasm and a British accent – what more could you want? And speaking of The Daily Show alumni…

Stephen Colbert

Stephen Colbert

This year, Stephen Colbert was announced as David Letterman’s replacement for when the talk-show king steps down in 2015. While the DTSFT ladies agree that it would be nice to see someone other than a white, middle-aged man hosting a late-night chat show, we’re still pretty pleased with the choice that’s been made. Stephen has come a long way since his days as a correspondent on The Daily Show, landing his own show in 2005, The Colbert Report, which sadly came to an end in December with a final episode packed full of callbacks to earlier episodes and a sing-along with his favourite recurring characters and guests. It’s going to be weird to see him hosting as himself rather than the conservative character (also named Stephen Colbert) that he has played for so long, but we’re definitely excited to see what he has to offer.

 Kailash Satyarthi

kailash-satyarthi1

Along with Malala Yousafzai, Kailash was the recipient of the 2014 Nobel Prize for his tireless campaigning for children’s rights. The access to education, which we in the Western world take for granted, has been a focus point for Mr Satyarthi, and his Nobel Prize was well-deserved.

Peter Capaldi

Peter-Capaldi

Here at DTSFT, we were delighted with the casting of Peter Capaldi as The Twelfth Doctor, as he made a nice change from the potato-faced Matt Smith. His turn as Mr Curry in Paddington also brought him to the attention of a new and younger audience, who will hopefully be tuning in to be utterly terrified by Doctor Who.  Mwuhahahaha!

Chris Evans, Sebastian Stan, and Anthony Mackie

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Yeah I’m lumping them all in together because otherwise this post will go on forever – it’s the Captain America: The Winter Soldier gang! With Hannah’s insatiable lust for Sebastian Stan, there was no way the DTSFT ladies were going to leave this trio off the Men of The Year list. While we’ll have to wait for Captain America: Civil War to see the boys back onscreen together, you could check out ‘Playing It Cool’ for a cheeky helping of Evans and Mackie. We’re especially proud of Evans for his directorial debut, Before We Go, as well as his role in the dark action thriller, Snowpiercer – give it a UK release date, god DAMMIT!

Chadwick Boseman

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Chadwick made waves last year with his role as Jackie Robinson in the magnificent 42, and it looks like the next few years are going to be no different for this versatile actor. After portraying soul legend James Brown in the biopic Get On Up, Boseman is set to star as the Marvel character Black Panther in not one but TWO upcoming Marvel movies – Captain America: Civil War and Black Panther. Chadwick, you complete and utter BANGER.

Jack O’Connell

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Unlike some actors who seem to love the limelight more than the craft, Jack O’Connell is a young actor who has worked hard at his talent and is finally starting to get some recognition. After making his name with a role in Skins and films like Private Peaceful and Harry Brown, this intense young actor’s star has continued to rise and this year saw him in three of the most talked about films – ’71, 300: Rise of an Empire, and Angelina Jolie-directed Unbroken. From interviews I’ve watched, he doesn’t seem all too comfortable on the chat-show circuit, which I think makes for a better actor – the less we know about him, the more believable he’ll be in his roles.

The Apprentice 2014 Episode 3 – DTSFT Roundup

apprentice

I didn’t do episode 2. I apologise. I will fix this. For now – wake up and smell the candles, it’s episode 3 of The Apprentice.

This week, the two teams of plebs have to create and sell a fragranced candles, a task that seems easy enough – vanilla, round jar, little box, fuck it, sorted – but of course, this is The Apprentice and these bastards will find a way to make it look like the most difficult thing in the world.  Despite a few hiccups, Katie led her team well with a clear interest in the products, while over on Roisin’s team it seemed like everyone just wanted the whole thing to be over.

Personally I quite like candles, but try to get me to buy one on the street for more than the pitiful change in my pocket and we’re going to have a problem.  Here’s the roundup:

This outtake from 'When A Stranger Calls'

This outtake from ‘When A Stranger Calls’

Katie: “I buy reed diffusers, candles, plug-ins, I do do that”

What are you doing? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

What are you doing? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I liked the bit where they made sure everyone knows just how few scented candles there are on offer

candle collage

“Everyone says I wanna go back to the beach, I miss the smell” I have never said that

Sarah trying to slyly get the conversation round to lemons again “People like food smells” and later “What about LEMONISE? It’s a made up word”. Hopefully after next week she’ll change her lemony ways. I doubt it though.

lemon gif

This outtake from the episode of GIRLs where they had an office in a taxi:

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Nick’s powerful face

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“Whether you like it or not”

“Whether you like it or not”

When Katie asked the sub-team to ask Sarah to be quiet because “She’s making no sense”

When we had to keep staring at what looked like pee

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These two women who are so far off the radar that I keep forgetting they’re even contestants

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This great shot of Nurun and Lindsay when Karen was calling them both weak links

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I hate Daniel, okay? Stephen totally saved that pitch with his offer, and Daniel accused him of  ruining the pitch with his interjection, even though the interjection WAS what saved the pitch. FUCK OFF DANIEL. Like I said on Twitter, he’s the guy who’ll try to be charming and buy you and a drink, and when you politely decline, he’ll call you a bitch.

And how about Mr 9 out of 10 for attractiveness over here?

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I feel sorry for the delivery people who have to say “Delivery for Team Tenacity/Summit”

Of course Roisin loves the smell of linen, especially after Snow White changes all the bed sheets down at the cottage

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Sorry not sorry

This look from Bianca, which showed just how much faith she had in James’s ability to price things up.

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Would you buy an expensive candle from a bloke in a waistcoat? Shut up.

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Ugh, Sarah is so deliberately unhelpful sometimes, look at her body language, she’s so shit. Also, don’t call other women bossy when they’re just being in control of the project, you idiot.

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James looking unimpressed with Nurun and Lindsay’s attempt at co-ordinating their outfits.

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Karen SCHOOLING James on his RRP shit

Sarah lurking while the others made sales, then trying to convince the others that the price was too high – we’ve found the villains so early on in this series, you guys

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I loved how everyone on team Summit was just going round selling the candles at whatever price they could think of, amazing

When Roisin’s team so rudely took a phonecall while trying to close a sale – we were all Karen in that moment

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Lindsay’s pulled

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Lord Sugar seemed to think that the candle looked like a glass full of custard – I would legit pay £35 for a glass of custard, because that shit is delicious.

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“Nevermind aloe vera, sounds like it’s goodbye Sarah”

I think we all wanted team Tenacity to take their leftover candles to the spa with them and try to sell them there

Of the bodies they could have shown being massaged, they chose Daniel and Felipe instead of Steven. Out-fucking-rageous.

Roisin’s face

This is the face of dreadful realisation

This is the face of dreadful realisation

James repeatedly interrupting actually gave me high blood pressure, just shut the hell up you prick

Then this beautiful moment of stretching

The FUCK are you doing fam?

The FUCK are you doing fam?

“I don’t trade in London, I’m from Peterborough” Best. Line. Ever.

Mr 9 our of 10’s face when Lindsay was talking herself out of a job

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Why was yer man rolling his t-shirt sleeves up? Ain’t no gunshow here.

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Oh and finally, more London p-o-r-n

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It was as if this week was an architecture special, old and new. Glorious.

See you next week for the roundup, if my spine is okay after all the cringing…

Saturday Special: Courgette and Cinnamon Muffins

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“Cinnamon and WHAT?” I hear you cry.

“Stahp yo’ cryin’,” I reply. “And it’s cinnamon and courgette.”

The courgette in this delightful sweet treat works exactly how carrot does in a carrot cake. It’s not immediately obvious, but it adds a certain sweetness and almost creamy texture to them that really does work. So if you’re looking for something intriguing and delicious to whip up and amaze your friends with then give these a go.

Here’s how you make them (the recipe is from my go-to book for anything cakey and awesome, ‘Annie Bell’s Baking Bible’):

You will need:

225g plain flour

2 teaspoons baking powder

100g golden caster sugar, plus extra for dusting

1/3 teaspoon ground cinnamon, plus extra for dusting

200ml whole milk

1 medium egg

75g unsalted butter, melted

finely grated zest of 1 lemon

125g coarsely grated courgette

75g raisins

Method:

1. Preheat the oven to 180°C and arrange 8-10 muffin cases inside a muffin tray (silicone muffin cases would be perfect for this, as recommended by my fellow DTSFTers, or you can use regular cupcake cases and put them on a baking tray, like I did).

2. Combine the flour, baking powder, 100g sugar and cinnamon in a large bowl and mix.

3. Whisk the milk, egg and butter with the lemon zest in a medium-sized bowl, then stir in the courgette and raisins.

4. Put the wet ingredients in with the dry ingredients and loosely combine – the mixture should be wet but lumpy.

5. Divide the mixture equally between the muffin/cupcake cases and sprinkle some more sugar and cinnamon on the top to give them a golden look and a nice crunch and put in the oven. You can check if they’re cooked by sticking a knife in the middle of one, but here’s the difference – if it comes out slightly wet still, it’s cooked. You want them to be slightly underdone to give them that ooey-gooeyness.

Bon appetito!

Hannah

 

Oscars Week: DTSFT’s Oscars 2014 Drinking Game

It had to be done.

After conducting hours about 15 minutes of research, we have come up with could quite possibly be the ULTIMATE OSCARS DRINKING GAME EVAH!*

So pour a glass/crack open a bottle of your favourite tipple (or soft drink – we don’t discriminate) and brace yourselves!

drunk in love

Word of advice – make sure you know exactly what it is you’re drinking. There are no labels on these bottles, you bunch of maniacs!

TAKE A SIP WHEN:

Someone on the red carpet is wearing Marchesa, Elie Saab or Reem Accra (all of them fabulous designers, might we add)

On the red carpet someone has brought their mum

On the red carpet, Ryan Seacrest says something stupid/unfunny… (might want to set aside a whole bottle for that one)

ryan seacrest

…and the person he is interviewing reacts in a “What the hell?” kind of way

On the red carpet, Giuliana Rancic says “Oh my God you look so beautifuuuul!” or something similar

On the red carpet a man is asked “who he is wearing”

P Diddy shows up

TAKE TWO SIPS WHEN:

Ellen DeGeneres starts a dance party

Ellen DeGeneres makes a joke about Leonardo DiCaprio not winning an Oscar

Ellen DeGeneres makes a joke about Pharrell Williams’ mountain ranger hat

56th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

There is a shot of Bradley Cooper and Suki Waterhouse (just to remind us all that YES HE IS TAKEN)

There is a shot of Benedict Cumberbatch smiling/laughing/waving (on the red carpet and/or during the ceremony)

There is a shot of Michael Fassbender rocking that beard (on the red carpet and/or during the ceremony)

dancing

KNOCK IT BACK WHEN:

Leonardo DiCaprio wins

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Lupita Nyong’o wins

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There is a standing ovation

Ellen DeGeneres makes a Shia LeBoeuf joke

Someone’s speech goes on for too long and the music starts playing

That someone makes a comment that the music has started playing

There is a shot of Jennifer Lopez (on the red carpet/and or at the ceremony), seeing as she always turns up to these things

Jennifer Lawrence does something apparently “adorkable” (again, you might need a whole bottle)

stupid face

None, some or all of these things might happen, but whatever does happen, we hope you have fun trying this out – and don’t worry, we’ll be doing it too!

What else could we drink to?

Hannah

drunk in love

Note: drinking game does not guarantee that you will be “drunk in love”

*OK, maybe not ever. I was drunk when I wrote that part.**

**I wasn’t.