Another year has passed, and so much hasn’t changed. World, I’m ashamed of you. As you might remember from previous years, this yearly list doesn’t tackle big issues like racism, sexism, how dreadful Richard Ayoade is, or the fact that people are stupid enough to buy something called ‘Smart Water’. No, this is basically just a list of stuff that has annoyed me this year, so I think they should stop. As ever, don’t worry if there are things on this list that you disagree with, because just remember – your opinion doesn’t matter to anyone but you. Happy New Year!
5. Clunky shoes
Look, I don’t know what the hell is happening here, but fashion is going backwards – and not in a good way. I’m all for self-expression (I’m not, I’m really not okay with it and I believe that we should all wear government-issued uniforms and live in Levittown houses) but these clunky shoes are the fugliest things ever.
Do you remember the 90s? I remember some of it – not because I was WASTED and having MAD BANTZ but because I was a child, you numbnuts, an innocent, beautiful child. And these shoes were around back then, at the same time that the Spice Girls tried to bring them back. Sadly, no matter how many times I asked my mum if I could get a pair she’d always reply “No, you idiot, you’re already freakishly tall for your age, the doctors think there’s something wrong with you”, and I’d have to attend birthday parties in my flat shoes like some kind of penniless cretin while my peers strutted around in their colourful platform shoes. Well, the jokes on you, mum – I topped out at 5’4”, so can I get my clunky platform shoes now?
Er, on seconds thoughts, no. But speaking of the Spice Girls…
4. Geri Halliwell
I’m tired of the Spice Girls trying it, to be honest. The Olympics thing was great and everything, but there’s no need for them to even try to have solo careers anymore, the time has passed. Baby’s happy on Heart FM, Mel B’s been on and off TV and done some fitness videos, Posh is highly accomplished in the fashion world, and despite my best efforts to make it happen, Sporty hasn’t fallen off the face of the earth. Earlier this year I had to write an article for some freelancing stuff about Geri Halliwell’s new music video. I hadn’t even realised that she was back on the music scene, and while part of me was hoping that it would be a cheeky bit of shameless (albeit painfully nasal) pop like at least 40% of Schizophonic (don’t act like Bag It Up wasn’t a banger), I knew we’d be getting something more along the lines of literally any fucking thing off of Scream If You Wanna Go Faster. Fair play to Halliwell, she was never the strongest singer in the Spice Girls, but she managed to get at least two albums out of being a personality, a celebrity, a household name.
So I watched the video, hoping that it wouldn’t be totally bloody awful.
As you can see, it’s the worst thing in the history of the world. Just look at these RANDOM characters! I like to think of them as the new Spice Girls.
Geri, you know what you’ve done wrong, but instead of trying to fix it with another song, please just re-release Schizophonic…
3. Stupid things
I hate stupid things, and I’m sure you do too. Remember the thing I just said about shoes? Those are stupid things, and like many things, they need to stop, and fuck off forever. Ahem.
2. Politics and economy
I’ve looked over previous “Things That Need To Stop” posts that I’ve written, and I’m worried that the things I’ve chosen in the past have been sort of frivolous and petty. So I’ve decided to tackle some political issues here, going to be really serious for number two (hahah poo). Here goes…
Politics, eh? The bloody economy and all, arrrgghhh, mental isn’t it? It’s like, who are we even voting for? Corporations and that. Mansion and bedroom taxes, I’m like, LibDems and Question Time, you know? To summarise:
Right, number one (hahaha, wee-wee) really is serious business.
Twitter, I’m sick of you. You people out there, on your phones, thinking your opinions matter and posting pictures and manually retweeting things just to comment “LOL” and “I’m dead”, you’ve ruined what Twitter was meant to be; a place where bird-watching enthusiast could get together to update one another on their weekly, even daily bird-sightings in a safe environment. And then you people came along, you people with your jokes and your pictures and your hashtags – did you know that the first ever hashtag was #LesserSpottedWoodpecker? No, I don’t suppose you did. I’m determined to make 2015 the year that Twitter dies. Look what Twitter is capable of.
It has given young girls across the world a way to hate other girls they’ve never met, purely for the reason that they like different boybands who don’t even know they exist as individuals. It has made it possible for people to join in Twitter conversations just to make hyperbolically hateful, sexist, racist, or homophobic comments because they can hide behind the anonymity of an egg avi the internet. It has made it increasingly difficult for people around the world to enjoy a television show spoiler-free because idiots don’t understand how to just shut the hell up about the big twist or reveal in a show. I truly hope that 2015 is the year that Twitter just stops because I’m sick of people and people are mostly on Twitter these days. I just can’t escape them.
Then again, Twitter did manage to get Dapper Laughs to look like this:
So maybe it’s not all bad…