The Apprentice 2014 Episode 9 – DTSFT Roundup


BOOM BANG-A-BANG, BITCHES! I’m all caught up!

Yeaaaaah this episode involved the task of the candidates buying items for the lowest possible price, featuring some of the ‘favourite’ items from the ten previous years of this show (oud, anyone?) as if we can actually remember any. I kind of wish James had been there, as his hyperactive personality would have gone well with the running around and trying to haggle (mostly unsuccessfully), trying to show everyone how good of a salesman you can be. Also,  I loved how this task involved a lot of people blustering about how well they know London – everyone from Greater London has done that at some point, and 9 times out of 10 they are bullshitting you. Apart from when I do it, of course…

Here’s the roundup –

First up, let’s talk about how gloomy the opening shots were – very CINEMATIC, because Lord Sugar, the pantomime villain, was creeping towards the house in his ridiculously expensive chauffeur-driven car.


And let’s talk about Solomon, shall we? What the FUCK are you doing, mate?

Solomon running

This bit of visual comedy:

Screen Shot 2014-12-10 at 16.25.37

“I just wanna talk to you about Jesus for a min-“

“No thank you, sir, not today”

Screen Shot 2014-12-10 at 16.26.12

Look at little Felipe, oh oh OHHHHHHHH, OHHHH WHAT A LOOOONELY BOY

Screen Shot 2014-12-10 at 16.25.02

“dey r jus ppl lyk evr1 else”

Screen Shot 2014-12-10 at 16.27.03

And excuse me, but whose chicken leg is that in the middle, because it’s freaking me out:

Screen Shot 2014-12-10 at 16.27.31

“We need to build team ethics” Daniel, while you’re out there doing some shopping, get yourself a dictionary

I also enjoyed Daniel’s little masterclass on how to win this task, which was essentially “Errrrrr go and get the stuff and try to get the lowest price, like really try, guys”

Screen Shot 2014-12-10 at 16.31.50

Why didn’t anyone just turn up and present their own body and go “full sized human skeleton, it’s just underneath my skin”

Screen Shot 2014-12-10 at 16.27.57

The way Karen was like “Well, independent jewellers don’t carry loose stones – diamond dealers carry loose stones”, as if that was common knowledge. SOME OF US HAVE TO GET OUR DIAMONDS FROM PRIMARK, BRADY.

When was the last time you saw two blokes at a bus stop, carrying a single chicken between them and high-fiving? Apart from in this episode.

Screen Shot 2014-12-10 at 16.33.47

The amount of times they try to buy something that costs, say, £60, and then go “Oh I can’t pay more than £45 for it” and then hand over three £20 notes and ask for change – son, you can pay £60 and you WILL pay £60.


Screen Shot 2014-12-10 at 16.37.24

Meanwhile, Solomon was having fun with the skeleton. This stupid, stupid idiot.

Screen Shot 2014-12-10 at 16.45.15

I would not accept this as a handshake from a so-called professional

Screen Shot 2014-12-10 at 16.52.51

Even though he didn’t get the best deal on the diamonds, at least Daniel pulled:


Unlike this dude, who probably did everything he could to prevent his (I assume now ex-) wife from watching this episode. Sweaty, dirty git.

ginger wife

Lovely bit of team-bonding here with Daniel and Felipe…


If only they knew what was to come…

Screen Shot 2014-12-10 at 16.55.34

Look, I need to weigh-in on ‘Skeletongate’ (god I fucking hate Twitter sometimes). First off, I loved Felipe’s idea of getting a paper skeleton, because he’s right, it didn’t specify that it needed to be constructed and it didn’t specify the material either. Lord Sugar only whacked that extra £300 on as the penalty because he didn’t like that Felipe showed him up – wouldn’t you want someone who pays attention to the details to be part of your organisation? I would. I’d hire Felipe as my lawyer in a New York minute. Also, this definitely happened:

skeletongate 1

So this shouldn’t have happened:

boardroom skeleton5

In fact you know what, I’ve got bare boardroom screenshots, let’s lay it out.

boardroom skeleton1 boardroom skeleton2


boardroom skeleton3 boardroom skeleton4 boardroom skeleton6 boardroom skeleton7 boardroom skeleton8

Plus, I’m starting to hate Katie so much after the last few weeks – she’s seen that Lord Sugar has identified her as somewhat of a mediator between Daniel and Mark and now she thinks she’s the only level-headed person there.

But I don’t think even she would mess with Nick:

Screen Shot 2014-12-10 at 17.12.21

Seeing his way out, Felipe tries to get back on Lord Sugar’s good side by saying how he would have fixed the rope situation without scissors:

Screen Shot 2014-12-10 at 17.12.56

He looked deadly serious too. Don’t fuck with Colombians, man.

The sliiiiightly hostile oud oil guy got on my nerves, you know, but he was funny when they went from £49 to £45 and he caught them out.

Screen Shot 2014-12-10 at 16.54.58

On a council estate, they always are, mate

Screen Shot 2014-12-10 at 16.53.36

To end on a brighter note – more London p-o-r-n


Next episode is TONIGHT and if I’m home I’ll be LIVE-TWEETING AS EVER so SEE YOU THEN. I don’t know WHY I’M ‘SHOUTING’


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