5 Things That Need To Stop in 2015

Another year has passed, and so much hasn’t changed. World, I’m ashamed of you.  As you might remember from previous years, this yearly list doesn’t tackle big issues like racism, sexism, how dreadful Richard Ayoade is, or the fact that people are stupid enough to buy something called ‘Smart Water’. No, this is basically just a list of stuff that has annoyed me this year, so I think they should stop. As ever, don’t worry if there are things on this list that you disagree with, because just remember – your opinion doesn’t matter to anyone but you. Happy New Year!

5. Clunky shoes

Look, I don’t know what the hell is happening here, but fashion is going backwards – and not in a good way. I’m all for self-expression (I’m not, I’m really not okay with it and I believe that we should all wear government-issued uniforms and live in Levittown houses) but these clunky shoes are the fugliest things ever.

Don't disagree with me, because you are wrong

Don’t disagree with me, because you are wrong

Do you remember the 90s? I remember some of it – not because I was WASTED and having MAD BANTZ but because I was a child, you numbnuts, an innocent, beautiful child. And these shoes were around back then, at the same time that the Spice Girls tried to bring them back. Sadly, no matter how many times I asked my mum if I could get a pair she’d always reply “No, you idiot, you’re already freakishly tall for your age, the doctors think there’s something wrong with you”, and I’d have to attend birthday parties in my flat shoes like some kind of penniless cretin while my peers strutted around in their colourful platform shoes. Well, the jokes on you, mum – I topped out at 5’4”, so can I get my clunky platform shoes now?

Er, on seconds thoughts, no. But speaking of the Spice Girls…

4. Geri Halliwell

I’m tired of the Spice Girls trying it, to be honest. The Olympics thing was great and everything, but there’s no need for them to even try to have solo careers anymore, the time has passed. Baby’s happy on Heart FM, Mel B’s been on and off TV and done some fitness videos, Posh is highly accomplished in the fashion world, and despite my best efforts to make it happen, Sporty hasn’t fallen off the face of the earth. Earlier this year I had to write an article for some freelancing stuff about Geri Halliwell’s new music video. I hadn’t even realised that she was back on the music scene, and while part of me was hoping that it would be a cheeky bit of shameless (albeit painfully nasal) pop like at least 40% of Schizophonic (don’t act like Bag It Up wasn’t a banger), I knew we’d be getting something more along the lines of literally any fucking thing off of Scream If You Wanna Go Faster. Fair play to Halliwell, she was never the strongest singer in the Spice Girls, but she managed to get at least two albums out of being a personality, a celebrity, a household name.

So I watched the video, hoping that it wouldn’t be totally bloody awful.

As you can see, it’s the worst thing in the history of the world. Just look at these RANDOM characters! I like to think of them as the new Spice Girls.

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Geri, you know what you’ve done wrong, but instead of trying to fix it with another song, please just re-release Schizophonic…

3. Stupid things

I hate stupid things, and I’m sure you do too. Remember the thing I just said about shoes? Those are stupid things, and like many things, they need to stop, and fuck off forever. Ahem.

26th Annual Santa Barbara International Film Festival - Day 3

2. Politics and economy

I’ve looked over previous “Things That Need To Stop” posts that I’ve written, and I’m worried that the things I’ve chosen in the past have been sort of frivolous and petty. So I’ve decided to tackle some political issues here, going to be really serious for number two (hahah poo). Here goes…

Politics, eh? The bloody economy and all, arrrgghhh, mental isn’t it? It’s like, who are we even voting for? Corporations and that. Mansion and bedroom taxes, I’m like, LibDems and Question Time, you know? To summarise:

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Nailed it.

1. Twitter

Right, number one (hahaha, wee-wee) really is serious business. 8da5034e526a4d293d6a8b90ab53f93f

Twitter, I’m sick of you. You people out there, on your phones, thinking your opinions matter and posting pictures and manually retweeting things just to comment “LOL” and “I’m dead”, you’ve ruined what Twitter was meant to be; a place where bird-watching enthusiast could get together to update one another on their weekly, even daily bird-sightings in a safe environment. And then you people came along, you people with your jokes and your pictures and your hashtags – did you know that the first ever hashtag was #LesserSpottedWoodpecker? No, I don’t suppose you did. I’m determined to make 2015 the year that Twitter dies. Look what Twitter is capable of.

It has given young girls across the world a way to hate other girls they’ve never met, purely for the reason that they like different boybands who don’t even know they exist as individuals. It has made it possible for people to join in Twitter conversations just to make hyperbolically hateful, sexist, racist, or homophobic comments because they can hide behind the anonymity of an egg avi the internet. It has made it increasingly difficult for people around the world to enjoy a television show spoiler-free because idiots don’t understand how to just shut the hell up about the big twist or reveal in a show. I truly hope that 2015 is the year that Twitter just stops because I’m sick of people and people are mostly on Twitter these days. I just can’t escape them.

Then again, Twitter did manage to get Dapper Laughs to look like this:

Never forget.

Never forget.

So maybe it’s not all bad…

Women of the Year 2014

Malala Yousafzai

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It would be impossible to have a list of the Women of The Year without including this phenomenal young lady. As the survivor of an assassination attempt and, at just 17 years old, the youngest ever Nobel Prize laureate, Malala continues to inspire women across the world with her campaign for human rights, particularly with regards to access to education for women and children in Pakistan and other countries. This is one woman who could truly change the world.

Sophie Hannah

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Sophie Hannah’s books have been popular with crime and fiction fans for a long time, but it is her 2014 offering that has earned Ms Hannah a place on this year’s Women of The Year list. The Monogram Murders is the newest Hercule Poirot mystery – now, we know that it’s damn near impossible to fill Agatha Christie’s shoes, but we can’t think of anyone better to take a shot at it than Sophie Hannah.

Gillian Anderson

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2014 was truly a great year for Gillian Anderson. Not only did her performance in the second series of The Fall get great reviews, she also had an award-winning run as Blanche DuBois in the National Theatre’s staging of A Streetcar Named Desire. And as if that wasn’t enough for Anderson to be getting on with, in October of this year she published her first novel, A Vision of Fire, which quickly became a New York Times Bestseller.

Jess Glynne

Jess Glynne Performs At Electric Brixton In London

On Clean Bandit’s absolute banger of a tune, ‘Rather Be’, Jesse Glynne’s voice was all over the radio this year. But rather than fade away like so many featured vocalists, Glynne released her own solo material off the back off the success of ‘Rather Be’; with her husky, soulful voice reminiscent of (and dare I say it, much more interesting than) Adele, the 90’s dance vibe of ‘Right Here’ has hopefully set Jess up for a solid music career.

Lupita Nyong’o

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Sure, we included Lupita on last year’s list but that was before she won her Oscar, so she’s earned her place on this year’s list too! Not content to impress us with her powerful performance in 12 Years A Slave, Lupita’s classy and earnest acceptance speech at the Oscars earned her a place in our hearts. We can’t wait to see what’s next for her!

Ilana Glazer and Abbi Jacobson

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If you haven’t been watching Broad City, the Comedy Central sitcom about two twenty-something women in New York, you’re missing out. This weird and hilarious show centres around Ilana and Abbi’s fictionalised versions of themselves, struggling to make ends meet and always managing to get into weird situations. It’s bold, cool and most importantly, totally hilarious – I can’t wait for series two!

Jennifer Kent

Jennifer Kent

The Babadook was easily one of the best films of the year – utterly terrifying without relying on grisly shock-gore or worn out cliches, the sense of claustrophobic terror created instead by tricks of the light and clever sound editing. The character from the film, Mister Babadook, was so scary and popular that Kent is publishing the pop-up book from the film in 2015. Just try and stop me from buying it, I dare you, I DARE YOU

Men of the Year 2014

David Oyelowo

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You may or may not recognise the name, but you will sure as hell recognise the man. Mr Oyelowo has been in some of the biggest films of the last five years – The Help, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, and Lincoln to name just three – and this year was no different. With roles in Interstellar and A Most Violent Year, David’s career seems to be getting bigger and better, culminating in a brilliant performance as Martin Luther King Jr. in the highly recommended Selma. As our very own Sarah put it, he’s come a long way since Spooks.

Chris Pratt

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Whether he’s Fat Pratt or Six Pack Pratt, we’re smitten with the Parks and Recreation star – his turn as Star-Lord in Guardians Of The Galaxy has seen him go from (please excuse this next word) cuddly, cute comedy actor to bonafide box-office banger. And before you say it, no it’s not *just* his looks that have us hooked – Pratt’s hilarious performance as Emmet in The Lego Movie appealed to viewers of all ages and his voice was perfect for the earnest and enthusiastic hero. And good lord was it difficult to make a decision on which picture of him to use for this post. I spent HOURS researching…

John Boyega

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Since the end of November, there’s only one film anyone has been talking about, and it doesn’t even come out for another year – Star Wars VII: The Force Awakens. The trailer opens with a young man popping up on screen looking panicked and exhausted – that’s our John Boy(ega)! With a lead role in arguably the most hotly anticipated film of next year, we’re so impressed that the star of Attack The Block and Half of A Yellow Sun has seen so much success so early on in his career – and he’s still only 22 years old!

John Oliver

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When Jon Stewart took a break from hosting The Daily Show this summer to direct his film Rosewater, he could have picked any of the show’s correspondents to stand in for him, and he chose the only British one. John Oliver did a fantastic job of hosting the show; he was already hugely popular with the audience, you could tell this from the rapturous applause he received whenever he hosted a segment. His brand of super-sarcastic, verbose humour was wasted on the absolutely dire Mock The Week, and he’s much better suited and appreciated in his role as a correspondent on a fake news show. Sure, he looks like a Jim Henson muppet come to life, but he actually did such a good job that he was given his own show on HBO, Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, which is similar to The Daily Show but with even more sarcasm and a British accent – what more could you want? And speaking of The Daily Show alumni…

Stephen Colbert

Stephen Colbert

This year, Stephen Colbert was announced as David Letterman’s replacement for when the talk-show king steps down in 2015. While the DTSFT ladies agree that it would be nice to see someone other than a white, middle-aged man hosting a late-night chat show, we’re still pretty pleased with the choice that’s been made. Stephen has come a long way since his days as a correspondent on The Daily Show, landing his own show in 2005, The Colbert Report, which sadly came to an end in December with a final episode packed full of callbacks to earlier episodes and a sing-along with his favourite recurring characters and guests. It’s going to be weird to see him hosting as himself rather than the conservative character (also named Stephen Colbert) that he has played for so long, but we’re definitely excited to see what he has to offer.

 Kailash Satyarthi

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Along with Malala Yousafzai, Kailash was the recipient of the 2014 Nobel Prize for his tireless campaigning for children’s rights. The access to education, which we in the Western world take for granted, has been a focus point for Mr Satyarthi, and his Nobel Prize was well-deserved.

Peter Capaldi

Peter-Capaldi

Here at DTSFT, we were delighted with the casting of Peter Capaldi as The Twelfth Doctor, as he made a nice change from the potato-faced Matt Smith. His turn as Mr Curry in Paddington also brought him to the attention of a new and younger audience, who will hopefully be tuning in to be utterly terrified by Doctor Who.  Mwuhahahaha!

Chris Evans, Sebastian Stan, and Anthony Mackie

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Yeah I’m lumping them all in together because otherwise this post will go on forever – it’s the Captain America: The Winter Soldier gang! With Hannah’s insatiable lust for Sebastian Stan, there was no way the DTSFT ladies were going to leave this trio off the Men of The Year list. While we’ll have to wait for Captain America: Civil War to see the boys back onscreen together, you could check out ‘Playing It Cool’ for a cheeky helping of Evans and Mackie. We’re especially proud of Evans for his directorial debut, Before We Go, as well as his role in the dark action thriller, Snowpiercer – give it a UK release date, god DAMMIT!

Chadwick Boseman

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Chadwick made waves last year with his role as Jackie Robinson in the magnificent 42, and it looks like the next few years are going to be no different for this versatile actor. After portraying soul legend James Brown in the biopic Get On Up, Boseman is set to star as the Marvel character Black Panther in not one but TWO upcoming Marvel movies – Captain America: Civil War and Black Panther. Chadwick, you complete and utter BANGER.

Jack O’Connell

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Unlike some actors who seem to love the limelight more than the craft, Jack O’Connell is a young actor who has worked hard at his talent and is finally starting to get some recognition. After making his name with a role in Skins and films like Private Peaceful and Harry Brown, this intense young actor’s star has continued to rise and this year saw him in three of the most talked about films – ’71, 300: Rise of an Empire, and Angelina Jolie-directed Unbroken. From interviews I’ve watched, he doesn’t seem all too comfortable on the chat-show circuit, which I think makes for a better actor – the less we know about him, the more believable he’ll be in his roles.

The Apprentice 2014 Episode 11 – DTSFT Roundup

apprentice

It’s the episode we’ve all been waiting for – no, not the final, where we get to see who actually wins this whole thing. No, we’re talking about the INTERVIEW STAGE! We all know that we’re watching it purely to see Claude get angrier and angrier as the episode goes on, but the other interviewers can be pretty scary too. It’s worth noting the absence of our beloved Margaret Mountford (WE MISS YOU), who is probably still studying her stupid classics or whatever it was that she thought was so much more important than being on television; and also the presence of Ricky Martin, himself a previous winner of The Apprentice.

Let’s get down to it – here’s the roundup:

“Dan, we need you to look like you’re working on something really, well, businessy”

“Sorted, mate, couple of numbers do ya?”

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Was Solomon put outside in the garden for his own safety, or the safety of the other candidates? Or maybe he’s just not housebroken yet?

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From the look on her face, Roisin has never said “I actually left my job to pursue this” out loud before

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Even Mark can’t rock a denim shirt. Only our very own Sophia can get away with that.

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Struggling without Felipe, Solomon?

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But can you imagine living in that house at this stage? After all those times in the boardroom, fighting for your place by pointing out each other’s flaws and basically cussing them in front of their potential employer, it’d be so tense. I’d be the housemate from hell that week – trying to make everyone else edgy and worked up before the interviews. BECAUSE I’M EVIL.

See those two people in the lift in the building behind Lord Sugar’s shoulder? They were later assassinated by the BBC for fear that they might reveal which candidates made it through to this round before the series aired. Very sad, very sad indeed.

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This bit of ‘subliminal messaging’

innuendo

So the interviews then. Last year, I organised this post by each person – this year shall be no different.

Roisin

The proposal:

roisin idea

Bit of a weird name, to be honest. I’d have gone with ‘Roisin’s Duck Wraps’. Sure, all the meals would have to contain duck and also be wraps, but that’s a risk I’d be willing to take if it were my business, all for a pun.

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When Claudine asked this question, I said “No, but I eat food” as a joke, and then Roisin said this FOR REAL in the interview:

eat food

Yeah but, apart from herself, she’s done her research and she understands what people want, right?

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No okay, we’ll move on. At least she’s got a unique idea, right? She’s found a gap in the market, low carb ready meals made with vegetable fibres, no-one’s done that yet, and she –

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Yikes. Well, lucky for Roisin, she didn’t really get torn apart by the interviewers; there wasn’t really any shouting and screaming, apart from maybe Claude getting a bit shirty about credit

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Chill out, baldy. He’s just jealous, Roisin. Jealous that he has those unnecessarily long ears, and jealous that you reminded me of the Ghetto Superstar video in this bit for some reason

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How do you think it went though, Roisin?

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Indeed.

Daniel:

The proposal:

daniel

I’m already unconfident, Dan, I’ll be honest. You’re proposing an EVENTS company. People start those every day without Lord Sugar’s help. But hey, you’re an award-winning salesman, right?

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Uh-oh. Well, at least you can still stand behind the fact that you ‘made a profit of £15,000′ for a New years Eve [sic] event, and ‘raised £10,000 for Cancer Research’. And hey, let’s not forget you were ‘Footballer of the Year 2003 at Hornchurch Football club’, all very relevant to the business sector. I assume you haven’t won any awards for your grammar, though.

How has all that bragging about being ‘uneducated’ working out for you, Daniel? Or should I say, ‘under-educated’? Or even ‘under-exagger-ucated’? Fucking dimwit.

unde exagg

 I loved this bit, which is just as true out of context:

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Is it just me, or do the chairs in Claude and Claudine’s interviews make the person sitting in them look really, really weird? Or maybe it’s just Daniel…

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He’s been a whiney baby through this whole series, but I doubt he’d be stupid enough to bring that ‘poor me’ attitude into an interview, I mean surely….

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WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH

Proved me wrong again, Danny boy. Oh well. At least you gave me this amazing set of facial expressions to put into my roundup.

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Oh yeah, and Daniel? The 90’s called – they want their worn out phrase back – NOT, HAHAHA. Not but seriously, they did call and they do want it back. In fact, you know what? They want the whole lot back, go on, fuck off back to 1997 and stay there.

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Mark:

The proposal:

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His interview with Ricky got off to a bad start for me, when Ricky couldn’t even highlight a single sentence in a straight line.

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I mean, come on, Ricky, you’re better than that.

In fact, I find it hard to believe that Ricky Martin isn’t three children stacked on top of one another in a suit, à la Vincent Adultman from Bojack Horseman. I mean, look at what happened with the phone-call role-play.

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Unprofessional, if you ask me. Then he messed Mark around, and to be fair I would have reacted in exactly the same way that Mark did. Mindgames.

markFUP

Mark was also keen to practice his “I ain’t been edumacated, I’m just a poor Australian cobber tryin’ to keep the dingoes from the door” card between interviews. BORING.

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 And he made his business proposal all SNAZZY with quotes and graphics

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But all Ricky was interested in talking about was what he gets up to in the alleys and dog-parks of London.

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And sure, Mark’s business proposal is nothing new, but that hasn’t stopped ol’ Easter Island from having confidence in his idea.

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*said in Night of The Museum voice* Give me some gum gum

Also – either Mark is really tall, or this room is situated in that weird, half-height floor from Being John Malkovich.

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Bianca:

The proposal: 

tights

Which I reckon is the best idea in this series, although surprise, surprise, this old white man can’t see a market for it

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One thing I noticed from Bianca’s interviews is that while Mike and Claude discussed the actual business side of things with her, the interviews with Ricky and Claudine were either really poor or just edited that way, because this happened:

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And it all went downhill from there – on the part of the interviewers, that is. Because look at Bianca’s face. How can Claudine tell, from having just met Bianca, whether or not she has a personality? I have a theory about why she asked this, and it’s that she’s surprised to be face-to-face with a young, intelligent, composed black woman who challenges the stereotypes she has come to expect.

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I personally find Roisin to be robotic, but no-one mentioned it to her.  I guarantee you that part of the reason behind these comments is that they honestly cannot get their heads around the fact that Bianca is so measured, like it’s a surprise to them that black women are actually capable of anything other than living up to some shitty stereotype perpetuated by television shows.

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IT WAS, BIANCA

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You know, it’s shitty that she was forced into that uncomfortable conversation, which I reckon was done because they probably couldn’t find many (if any) faults in her business plan. But she got these comments from Nick and Mike in the feedback, which I think says a lot:

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BIANCA TO WIN!

And finally, of course:

Solomon:

The proposal:

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He was as prepared as he was ever going to be…

nitty gritty

 Yes, it’s all in there next to some bunched up plasticine and a book of wordsearches where Solomon just keeps scribbling the letters of his own name over the letters he doesn’t recognise (11 out of the 26).

And his interview with Claude got off to an especially bad start

boid

But more on that later. His interview with Mike Souter was, how shall I put this? Interesting. Solomon is from the ‘ideas generation’ though, he can handle it – after all, he’s so brimming with ideas that he’s constantly jotting them down on the Notes app on his phone. There’s no way to prove that, I guess, but-

pitch me some

Oh shit, called out, son. Fine, go ahead.

brekinbed

Oh god

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“I got another idea. You do, like, a TV show with a businessman and you do, like, tasks every week and then the one left at the end goes into business with him”

Onto that flimsy business proposal, then.

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 I’m sure Lord Sugar’s money would be in safe hands, though

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And as I knew this would be Solomon’s last episode, I was hoping he’d give good face. He delivered.

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Now, time for Claude.

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Aside from the awkward handshake moment, it started pretty well. Or so it seemed. Claude praised Solomon’s CV and his enterprising nature for starting a business while he was still at university. But then, having lured poor young Solomon into his compliment-laden trap, Claude went in for the attack.


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ouch

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The best moment of it was this – exactly how anyone else would have reacted after an interview like that.

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Fair play to Solomon, he told the others exactly how it went, rather than lying and pretending he breezed it.

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 I normally don’t include bits from The Apprentice: You’re Fired, but I thought that this continuity needed to be pointed out:

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Well said, that man.

So next week is the final, and if you’re reading this then you already know that it’s Bianca versus Mark. I am firmly TEAM BIANCA, because her idea is great and also she is awesome and deserves to win – she hasn’t been manipulative, she’s played clean and fair through the whole show. Plus she’s from Sydenham, that’s not too far from me and I want a local-ish girl to win – we already had a Croydon boy win X Factor, it’s time for South London and Surrey to TAKE OVER TELEVISION!

Don’t forget, the final is on Sunday night at 9pm followed by You’re Hired as basically part of the same show. See you there for muchos tweeting? Das ist gut.

The Apprentice 2014 Episode 10 – DTSFT Roundup

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Now, if there’s one thing I know about, it’s delicious food. This week’s task saw the candidates create a ‘luxury dessert’ to sell to Waitrose and a few other shops. It was never going to be as exciting as the other tasks where they end up running around and trying to sell all their stock; these tasks are pretty straightforward and therefore they have fewer opportunities for drama, in my opinion. That doesn’t mean they’re less watchable, even with Solomon’s bloody idiot face on screen all the sodding time. To be quite honest, all this episode did was make me hungry for custard. Custard and blood – or as it’s known in Shakeaway, ‘The Hungry Helen’.

Here’s your roundup, you filthy apes:

Roisin tells Katie they’re going to the Tate. Katie asks “Like the art gallery?”

No Katie, the torture chamber, of course the sodding art gallery

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If that was the case, Katie, I’m sure Solomon’s offering would be just shit and apricot jam smeared on an Etch-A-Sketch

I DONE A ART

I DONE A ART

None of your business what I spend my money on, thank you very much, bit rude

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So Lord Sugar set them off on their ‘luxury pudding’ task. I feel like one team was more likely to feel inspired to be creative than the other, for some reason…

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I think she was chosen to lead the team because her name is the closest to a food than any of the others (raisin), but clearly Roisin couldn’t wait to get her teeth into this task anyway

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And Katie was living Sarah’s citrussy dream when she was tasting those ingredients

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OH NO! LEMONS!

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Sweet Pleasure is an Ann Summers range isn’t it?

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Daniel is one of those bastards who really wants to play on the ‘I’m uneducated, meh meh, I’m a self-made man” nonsense. Just shut up. People on this show always think that saying they didn’t go to university will make Lord Sugar like them more, as if he’s some anti-intellectual reverse-snob.

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Honestly, just shut up

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I can’t explain how little patience I have with Solomon. There’s nothing you could say to me to convince me that he hasn’t suffered some kind of massive, near-fatal head injury.

idiot

I mean honestly

caramel

I’m so done

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Just look at this stupid face. I promise you, these expressions were prompted by absolutely NOTHING.

stupid face

In the kitchen, Katie tried out the ingredients for ‘A Trifle Different’ (more like A DIFFERENT TRIFLE, AMIRITE? No? Fine, be like that) although she wasn’t sure if they were safe to eat or not…

edible

…but when you’re asking this bloke, who looks like he’s assessing Katie’s skin for his next lampshade, could you really be sure that he has your best interests at heart?

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“My middle name’s ‘Generous’, by the way”  Really? Mine’s ‘Short Fuse’, now fuck off

Generous

I’M ON TV

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“Chilli sauce? All salad?”

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“The name is Tea Pot, it’s a play on the words Tea Pot” – No, that’s not a play on words, it’s just the words, idiot

As far as I’m concerned, there’s nothing luxurious about ANY dessert that you can buy in a jar, you’re never going to win. Luxury for me would be having someone bring me a massive cake on a plate while ANGELS SURROUND ME WITH A WARMING GLOW AND TRANQUIL HARP MUSIC. And I think I know which of these two desserts looks more appetising:

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I’ve seen these grazing consumers that Roisin keeps referring too, but they’re not knocking about in Waitrose – they’re in fields next to the motorway.

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This bloke’s comedy stylings – you just know that as soon as he heard there was tea involved he had that joke… brewing. SEE?! I’M PART OF IT! HAHAH!

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WAHEEEEEY!

Mark thinks of himself as a ‘prize stallion’, but…have you ever seen a prize stallion cough?

throat 1

They shoot horses, don’t they, Mark?

throat 2

Nah but 10/10 would still bang

Karren went HAM in this episode, she didn’t let anything slip between the cracks – taking down Sanjay for his comments about Bianca, then Katie for trying to play down how poorly her product was received – dammmmn girl

karen 1

Katie’s turn was next:
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Sanjay got caught up in Karren’s take-down of Mark

karen 3

Boss. Ass. Bitch.

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Nick got a precision shot in too:

NICK

And it seems like word of Mark’s dry throat problem had spread to the other candidates, who were keen not to ‘pull a Mark’ (copyright pending)

pull a mark

Those blue macaroons on the prize looked rank, ugh, food isn’t meant to be blue, that’s just SCIENCE

OH MY GOD A FRONT(ISH) VIEW OF THE RECEPTIONIST

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So, in the boardroom Lord Sugar questioned the feasibility of the three candidates’ business proposals. Now, I know that they’re putting these people through knowing that what they *say* they do is not what they *actually* do. Also do they not have to submit some kind of summary of their business proposal as part of the application? Why would you let Sanjay even be on the show if you know his business idea isn’t lucrative?  I also don’t believe that ‘opening a restaurant’ is a substantial enough idea for going into business with Lord Sugar, it’s too basic.

Ultimately, I think the right candidates were fired. How do these people stay so respectful when they’ve been fired? I’d be kicking the chairs over, throwing water at Karren and Nick, pulling the receptionists hair. Blaze of glory, mate. Next episode is – drumroll please – now stop the drumroll and continue reading, sorry that was unproductive – THE INTERVIEW ROUND! The trailer showed Bianca crying which makes me sad, because I want her to win and also not be sad. But you know this one is going to be as brilliant as ever, I live for this episode of each series, and even better is that RICKY MARTIN is back! Not, y’know, that Ricky Martin, but… wait where are you going? It’s still going be good, guys, hey, HEY HEY COME BACK! SHE BANGS! SHE BANGS!

The Apprentice 2014 Episode 9 – DTSFT Roundup

apprentice

BOOM BANG-A-BANG, BITCHES! I’m all caught up!

Yeaaaaah this episode involved the task of the candidates buying items for the lowest possible price, featuring some of the ‘favourite’ items from the ten previous years of this show (oud, anyone?) as if we can actually remember any. I kind of wish James had been there, as his hyperactive personality would have gone well with the running around and trying to haggle (mostly unsuccessfully), trying to show everyone how good of a salesman you can be. Also,  I loved how this task involved a lot of people blustering about how well they know London – everyone from Greater London has done that at some point, and 9 times out of 10 they are bullshitting you. Apart from when I do it, of course…

Here’s the roundup –

First up, let’s talk about how gloomy the opening shots were – very CINEMATIC, because Lord Sugar, the pantomime villain, was creeping towards the house in his ridiculously expensive chauffeur-driven car.

gloomy

And let’s talk about Solomon, shall we? What the FUCK are you doing, mate?

Solomon running

This bit of visual comedy:

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“I just wanna talk to you about Jesus for a min-“

“No thank you, sir, not today”

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Look at little Felipe, oh oh OHHHHHHHH, OHHHH WHAT A LOOOONELY BOY

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“dey r jus ppl lyk evr1 else”

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And excuse me, but whose chicken leg is that in the middle, because it’s freaking me out:

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“We need to build team ethics” Daniel, while you’re out there doing some shopping, get yourself a dictionary

I also enjoyed Daniel’s little masterclass on how to win this task, which was essentially “Errrrrr go and get the stuff and try to get the lowest price, like really try, guys”

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Why didn’t anyone just turn up and present their own body and go “full sized human skeleton, it’s just underneath my skin”

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The way Karen was like “Well, independent jewellers don’t carry loose stones – diamond dealers carry loose stones”, as if that was common knowledge. SOME OF US HAVE TO GET OUR DIAMONDS FROM PRIMARK, BRADY.

When was the last time you saw two blokes at a bus stop, carrying a single chicken between them and high-fiving? Apart from in this episode.

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The amount of times they try to buy something that costs, say, £60, and then go “Oh I can’t pay more than £45 for it” and then hand over three £20 notes and ask for change – son, you can pay £60 and you WILL pay £60.

And this woman’s face – “I’M ON TV, BEING WEIRD! HURRRR WE NAMED OUR SKELETON ADAM!”

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Meanwhile, Solomon was having fun with the skeleton. This stupid, stupid idiot.

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I would not accept this as a handshake from a so-called professional

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Even though he didn’t get the best deal on the diamonds, at least Daniel pulled:

pulled

Unlike this dude, who probably did everything he could to prevent his (I assume now ex-) wife from watching this episode. Sweaty, dirty git.

ginger wife

Lovely bit of team-bonding here with Daniel and Felipe…

hands

If only they knew what was to come…

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Look, I need to weigh-in on ‘Skeletongate’ (god I fucking hate Twitter sometimes). First off, I loved Felipe’s idea of getting a paper skeleton, because he’s right, it didn’t specify that it needed to be constructed and it didn’t specify the material either. Lord Sugar only whacked that extra £300 on as the penalty because he didn’t like that Felipe showed him up – wouldn’t you want someone who pays attention to the details to be part of your organisation? I would. I’d hire Felipe as my lawyer in a New York minute. Also, this definitely happened:

skeletongate 1

So this shouldn’t have happened:

boardroom skeleton5

In fact you know what, I’ve got bare boardroom screenshots, let’s lay it out.

boardroom skeleton1 boardroom skeleton2

smug

boardroom skeleton3 boardroom skeleton4 boardroom skeleton6 boardroom skeleton7 boardroom skeleton8

Plus, I’m starting to hate Katie so much after the last few weeks – she’s seen that Lord Sugar has identified her as somewhat of a mediator between Daniel and Mark and now she thinks she’s the only level-headed person there.

But I don’t think even she would mess with Nick:

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Seeing his way out, Felipe tries to get back on Lord Sugar’s good side by saying how he would have fixed the rope situation without scissors:

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He looked deadly serious too. Don’t fuck with Colombians, man.

The sliiiiightly hostile oud oil guy got on my nerves, you know, but he was funny when they went from £49 to £45 and he caught them out.

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On a council estate, they always are, mate

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To end on a brighter note – more London p-o-r-n

aerial

Next episode is TONIGHT and if I’m home I’ll be LIVE-TWEETING AS EVER so SEE YOU THEN. I don’t know WHY I’M ‘SHOUTING’

The Apprentice 2014 Episode 8 – DTSFT Roundup

apprentice

Super late but I’m only a little bit sorry because I know all two of you who read this (there has been a 100% increase in the readership of these Apprentice posts) probably didn’t miss it that much.

Episode 8 took place at an agricultural fair, where the teams were tasked with picking products to sell and then selling the crap out of them – a great opportunity for us to hear from each of the candidates about how they were “born to sell” and other cheesy, worn-out catchphrases. All that fresh country air must have not agreed with Daniel, because you could see how wound up he was through the whole task, and it seemed to be catching as he and Felipe were at each other’s throats. Poor little mole.

Here’s your roundup:

Daniel, stop slicking down your hair, it makes you look awful and boulder-faced. This little glimpse of ruffled bedhead was a big improvement:

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The candidates having to pick from the absolutely rubbish ‘debut’ items was so cringe-worthy, having to pretend to be interested in any of those products would be too much for me

 The director’s cut of the Twix advert

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Honestly look at this utter tat, and the ridiculous prices – daylight robbery

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“Oh wow!” What an overreaction

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Some quality facial expressions from both teams, but given the shite they had to peddle, can you blame them?

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This barbecue, who obviously had many stories to tell but no-one to hear them

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When I thought this man had a cheeky yet ill-advised ponytail

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But his shitty head was the least of this man’s worries, because James’s faux-pas was about to set in motion one of his worst performances from the whole series…

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And when he lost the task, he took the news with his trademark class

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Though Daniel came close to screwing his team over with his irritating ‘PASSION BRAND PASSION’ nonsense:

passion

There’s always one, in’t there?

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Can someone have a word with Solomon, please?

Solomon

Alright Daniel, babes?

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I think Sanjay’s been reading my posts and has seen my jokes about his ‘good looks’. Sorry, mate. From now on, us Anglo Indians stick together (I’m assuming you’re Anglo, mate, name like Sood-Smith)

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Great reaction shots from the on-lookers when Daniel and Felipe were bickering

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This dude just carrying a cutie lamb around and making it look easy. But I wonder where he got that lamb, and if its mother knows it is gone…

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Oh no…

This was Hannah's favourite moment, rightly so

This was Hannah’s favourite moment, rightly so

Mumford and Sons’ dads made their television debut

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You know when you’re stuck for what to get the DTSFT girls for Christmas, and you’re just like:

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Back in the boardroom, Daniel and Felipe’s bickering was filtered back to Lord Sugar, who wasn’t impressed. Felipe seemed so hurt by Daniel’s arsehole ways, I felt so sorry for him

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Especially when he said this:

nice man

And Katie was so smug about Lord Sugar calling her ‘Mummy’. Kinky Geordie bitch.

smug

And James finally came clean to his team about the real reason why they went with the tractors instead of the hot tubs as originally planned

derek instead of anthony

When James was laying into Roisin, she stood up herself so well – I feel, however, that from the look on Bianca’s face, things would have been different if he’d been facing the other way and disparaging her.

“Try me… fucking try me, son”

The winning team – obviously not James’s – were sent to a boxing session as their treat from Daddy Sugar. I must state clearly that exercise is NOT a treat, and I will be writing to the BBC to complain about this oversight.  But we finally got to see Mark and Daniel go at it… sort of

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Oh well, maybe we’ll get to see them go at it properly another time. Maybe get them in some kind of abandoned quarry, shirtless and dirty, just grappling and… and…

Excuse me.