The Apprentice 2014 Episode 5 – DTSFT Roundup

apprentice

Oh, reader – and I say ‘reader’ rather than ‘readers’ because I know there’s only one of you out there *waves* – if you follow me on Twitter (which I know you don’t) you will know I normally live-tweet The Apprentice along with all the other fans. But alas, it was not to be for this episode, and so I missed the delightful antics of our favourite besuited idiots. However, when I got home, my dad promptly told me whose team had won – I mean, what the hell? He followed it with “Ah, but I didn’t tell you who got FIRED, did I?” as if he’d highlighted some hilarious loophole. So I killed him. After a relatively simple clean-up, I was too annoyed to watch the episode and do the roundup that night, so instead I waited until the last bloody minute and made sure it was ready for the day of the next episode. You know, so you can have a recap that you don’t need and won’t read. Whatever, I don’t ever care.

As you all will remember, it was the coach trip task – slightly different from what they’ve had to do before, the memorable London bus tour task being the first and most similar one that comes to mind. Did they do a good job? No, of course not. These people are all terrible, and you should know that by now. Okay, not all of them, but most of them. Let’s look at the roundup to see some reasons why…

The announcer saying “Junction 23 of the M25” as if it was something glamorous

The 70s jet-setting style music when the cars pulled up at the start

And Karen, Lord Sugar and Nick looking like the villainous crew in a trashy action film

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When Daniel used the the analogy of good chess players and lumped himself in with them – nah son, look at your egg-shaped self and calm down

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No joke, Mark is consistently impressive – my dad said from episode one he thought that he was the one to watch, and I think he’s right!

Sanjay and Gemma looking like they’re on their way to audition for a Specsavers advert

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“Hever castle is INSANE” Dude, Solomon, chill out

James trying to haggle with the lady from Hever Castle was fantastic.

“How about we-”

“No.”

“How about-”

“No.”

“H-”

“Please leave.”

Daniel always looks like he’s just got off the dance-floor at his younger brother’s wedding

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And I’ll be honest, when Nick said “Daniel, a master salesman, a fat zero” I thought he was just describing Daniel, not talking about sales.

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I think this picture gives an accurate idea of how Sanjay and Gemma each felt through the whole of the task

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I CALLED IT! I TOLD YOU SOLOMON COULDN’T TIE HIS OWN TIE! HE EVEN ASKED IF ANYONE ELSE COULD! YOU FUCKING CRETIN! GET OUT!

Screen Shot 2014-11-11 at 21.06.05

Lauren has been my favourite of the girls in terms of actual competence – she always seems to have her head screwed on, although she’s a bit moany

Sarah would have loved this colour scheme, such a shame she’s not in the game anymore

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Fully expected this chick (name still unknown) to get a headache from the repeated eye-rolling…

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…but it caught on later in the boardroom, inspiring some creepy solo action from Lord Sugar’s left eye…

Serious eye-game from Lord Sugar here, two different directions, well played

…which in turn was eerily reminiscent of this playa from earlier in the show.

Screen Shot 2014-11-11 at 21.16.08

We were all Karen at this point

exit

Just imagine if she’d actually just gone, “Fuck this, I’m an ACTUAL businesswoman” and just smashed the glass, sent all the customers home in a taxi and just laid into the team.

Dammit Karen, why didn’t you do that instead?

This was actually an intervention that they interrupted, to stop Sebastien (in the centre, wearing his shitty hat and bow-tie combo) from wearing his shitty hat and bow-tie combo.

Screen Shot 2014-11-11 at 21.04.29

But it obviously didn’t work, because as we later saw, his influence rubbed off on Felipe.

*James Ingram voice* SOMEWHERE OUT THERE, BENEATH THE PALE MOONLIIIIGHT

*James Ingram voice*
SOMEWHERE OUT THERE, BENEATH THE PALE MOONLIIIIGHT

“OH IT’S A JOLLY ‘OLIDAY WITH MARY… MARY MAKES THE SUN SHINE BRIGHT”

Screen Shot 2014-11-11 at 21.14.45

Can you believe that at the start of the tour, this was Ariana Grande?

Screen Shot 2014-11-11 at 21.12.05

And by the end of the tour she was DEAD?

Screen Shot 2014-11-11 at 21.14.57

One less, one less problem

How are you going to sit in front of Lord Sugar and tell him you’re “not going to get sucked into it”? That’s what you’re THERE FOR.

“Flannel is for the bathroom, not the boardroom”

Daniel was so bitter that the team didn’t attribute their victory to him hahaha

daniel idiot

“I’d rather win ugly than lose being liked” But Daniel, don’t you see? You’re already ugly, mate.

Screen Shot 2014-11-11 at 20.53.44

Speaking of ugly, Roisin babe, you need to just be aware, come on, you look like a horse confused by a sandwich.

roisin

Sorry but “If Anne Boleyn’s neck had been as thick as you she might still be alive” is my favourite line. Over 500 years old, but sure, still alive.

It’s so obvious that Sanjay got caught up in having fun with James, like when the quiet kid somehow makes friends with the naughty one in class and they both get hyper and can’t calm down until they get in trouble. Except they’re both adults so they just seem like fucking idiots.

Poor Gemma. But don’t feed Lord Sugar that line about “I’m the girl who always almost wins”, you’re just asking to be fired with something like that.

Have you ever seen Nick give such a disgusted to look? Hahaha

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Loved that last little bit at the house where everyone was criticising Daniel, god I want to punch him in his stupid, massive face.

Finally, some more of those sweet sweet filler shots, this time not just London…

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I will be back on time with the posts after the next episode, I promise. What’s that? You don’t give a shit?

Jeeeeeez.

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