The Apprentice 2014 Episode 7 – DTSFT Roundup


Well, hasn’t it been a bloody while since I did the roundup? Yes, I missed the last one because of stupid illness, but I’m BACK, bitches. No wait, not bitches, friends and readers, that’s better.

So this episode we saw the two teams coming up with a drink from the recipe conception to the pitch, with a slight twist – half of each team were in New York filming adverts and doing pitches, while the other half of each team were at home in London coming up with the actual drink and the rest of the marketing campaign. It’s cool to see the candidates taking on tasks like this, partly because it’s interesting to see what they can create (in this case ‘Big Dawg’ and ‘Aqua Fusion’), but also mostly because I like to see when someone has an idea that they really want to go with but no-one else is buying it, like Sarah with her lemons way back at the start. Also, you knew as soon as the New York trip got thrown into the mix that there’d be at least one person sorely put out to not be going; in this case, it was Daniel and Sanjay who were held back in London, and spent the rest of the task griping about it.

Here’s the roundup:

Look at this excitable prick running around first thing in the morning, just fuck off, you’re an adult.


Nick, being tired of everyone’s shit before the task even started
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Lord Sugar’s other business call was just an excuse, I reckon old Alan’s just tired of looking at those pasty, disgusting faces in the flesh. This looks like a scene from a poorly cast remake of George Orwell’s 1984

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Katie telling Felipe “We can’t all go”, fully expecting that Felipe would be kept back in London instead of her

Mark’s lie about working in marketing and advertising was like when you put “childcare” on your CV when you’ve really just done some babysitting

It looks like they’re working in some kind of restaurant kitchen based on this shot

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“I will work my nuts off to get the best product” Please don’t say that about a drink and then suggest ‘Love Water’, Daniel. It really doesn’t ‘excel expectations’.

How has this idiot lasted so long?

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You could tell just by looking at it that Tenacity’s drink was going to taste weak, it looked watery as fuck.

Loved Roisin’s line “Sanjay, if you listen to anything James says, you’re a fool”

Katie looked a little bit like a witch in this scene, which was also weirdly reminiscent of the candle-making episode

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This is not a face that inspires confidence in a product.

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James saying “dragonfly” instead of “dragonfruit” made me want to punch him in the throat. If only James’ lifespan was 24 hours…

The design company’s cat was obviously the star of the show

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And the look on this guy’s face was priceless

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I paused the video at this facial expression from Felipe purely by accident and felt it was necessary to include it.

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Look at Solomon’s smug, stupid bastard face

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This shot of all the people who were impressed by the two drinks on offer in this task

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Come on now, readers, let us know – what dog would YOU be? Personally I’d be one of them dogs that carries brandy or whatever round the mountains. They definitely exist.

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How sly is it to just say “Can you just be better at catching?” Felipe, why can’t you just be better throwing?



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 “The world is as big as our oyster” James, just… just don’t.

Loved Bianca’s cheeky face when she said “We’re just going to PAW some samples out for you”

When James, Bianca and Sanjay got trapped inside a giant one of those utensil holders from IKEA.

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Does anyone else find it so annoying when they say stuff like “We chose bright colours to stand out and a large font to be visible etc etc”, basic level stuff that’s so fucking obvious, you don’t need it described?

Do you need someone to make every conversation awkward and force a sexual innuendo into every single situation? This looks like a job for… Phallic Symbol Guy! Fucking idiot.

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Lauren’s pitch was like when you haven’t prepared for a project at school, just reading out verbatim what’s been printed out the night before.

I normally don’t like Daniel – I believe I’ve made that clear several times – but on this task I feel like Mark was definitely setting him up from the beginning. I liked when he mimicked Lauren’s line in the advert – I think he’s being edited as a more humourless, mean version of himself, like we’re not getting the whole story.

As soon as they went into the boardroom I realised that next week there’ll only be one person standing up in front of Lord Sugar – awkwaaaaard.

What was also awkward was when Lauren ALMOST left Felipe hanging after the pitch

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You can always trust Karen to be straight to the point – “There was no way James wasn’t going to New York, was there?”

Sanjay was so upset that James didn’t push for him to go to America, he was SO JEALOUS, that’s why he bitched and moaned through the whole episode. Remember how he called himself a 9 out of 10?

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Yeah it’s an arty shot or whatever but I’m just interested in those bakewell tarts, baby

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I think Daniel took Mark down in the boardroom, I don’t care what anyone says – sure, his choices for the design got rightly slated, but I like how Daniel called Mark out on his sayings, accusing him of having them stored away to use, so true.

Daniel was certainly determined not to go home this week, as shown here with his ‘defiant-little-boy-doesn’t-want-to-eat-his-vegetables’ face

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And finally, there was the crazy beautiful scenic p-o-r-n, special New York edition

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I know, right?

Next week’s episode is something to do with a country fair, and I just know that the actual task is going to be boring as hell but I’m praying to all the religious deities that James falls on his stupid face into a pile of pig shit.


Costume Review: ‘The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1’

There be spoilers in costume discussions…

Kurt and Bart had some big shoes to fill when they took over costume design duties from Trish Summerville but Mockingjay is a very different beast from Catching Fire, which was itself noticeably different from The Hunger Games (designed by Judianna Makovsky). Summerville was able to play around with lots of extravagant costumes for scenes in the Capitol and for the victors but Kurt and Bart have certain restrictions working on a film mostly based in District 13.


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As with all the inhabitants of District 13, Katniss is provided with a utilitarian costume of grey cargo trousers and a grey shirt. (Oddly this costume is slightly reminiscent of her reaping costume in Catching Fire.) Shown above is her Mockingjay costume designed by Cinna before his death. The costume takes references from real soldier’s armour and is functional as well as interesting. The initial idea behind the Mockingjay costume was as a symbol but it was realised for practical and protective wear. Whenever Katniss has been in the games her “protective wear” was decided by the Capitol and was fairly limited in its effectiveness. This is battle ready. It marks a huge step forward for Katniss and her role in the rebellion.


Katniss’s key costume piece is returned to her and remains with her when she and Gale go hunting. Her father’s leather jacket became an iconic piece of clothing for her and solidifies who she is.



Peeta spends most of this film in the Capitol and his costumes reflect that but there is so much more to them than just extravagance. His first appearance is in the white suit we see above. The lines are sharp, minimal and reflect Snow’s roses. The high collar of the shirt is noticeable here but is nothing to compare to the constricting collars yet to come. Peeta’s colours darken as his physical and mental state deteriorates. His gaunt appearance is emphasised with the tightening of the collars. His suits become his own personal straight-jacket.



Gale’s costumes follow the standard clothing of District 13 and the soldier’s armour. His shining costume moment comes with Gale’s key scene in District 12. This is one of the most vulnerable moments that we’ve witnessed from Gale and the softness of his costume (seen above) reflects this.



Effie’s costumes take on a very different role in this film. The first time we see her she purports to be a political refugee and fights against everything in District 13 (in her mind at least). Once Plutarch gives her purpose to help Katniss she begins to regain her identity through her clothing. Yes she is still limited by the same clothes as everyone else in District 13 but she uses these to her advantage. She is a creative person and creates the new Effie. She still has her high heels and accessories from the Capitol and she uses these to help rebuild herself.



Finnick doesn’t have too much screen time in this film and his costumes are generally limited to hospital clothes and the standard District 13 uniform. But, as with Gale, soft knitwear comes out when he is speaking in the propos. Finnick is not talking as a soldier but a victim of the Capitol. He needs to be sympathetic, sincere and approachable. The public need to believe and trust him. And the style of knitwear flashes back to his first appearance in Catching Fire.

President Snow


Snow is trying to keep control over Panem. District after District are joining the rebellion and his main weapon (Peeta) hasn’t been put into action yet. He remains dressed in the sharp tailored lines that we have come to expect from him. These suits reflect his power and tight control despite troubling circumstances “moves and counter moves”. There are also many more instances of white roses included throughout the film and Finnick’s revelation makes them all the more disturbing.



Haymitch enters the film just when Katniss needs him to and after he’s sobered up. For the majority of the film he is dressed in the District 13 uniform with the concession of a grey woollen hat and layers of grey cardigans. Could it be that without alcohol these are the only form of protection he has left? He sported similar jumpers in Catching Fire so the idea of safety in soft wool is not completely ridiculous.

Caesar Flickerman


We always expect Caesar to be a bright and colourful influence on the film and this time he doesn’t have Effie to compete with. His suits are all fully patterned but there general tone is deeper and richer. There is much less extravagance shown here. This is no time for frivolity and Caesar’s costumes reflect this, even though this may not be instantly visible.

Overall, I was very impressed with the costume design in Mockingjay. The film has a more solemn tone and the costumes needed to reflect that. I’m very interested to see what Kurt and Bart have waiting for Mockingjay, Part 2. The world has entered a much grittier political ground and the historical references in the costumes are great for echoing that.

S x

Film review: The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1 promises a spectacular Part 2

(Picture: Lionsgate)

(Picture: Lionsgate)

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1 feels very much like the first half of something bigger, but if this is the set up then the pay off is going to be stunning.

Part 1 sees a haunted Katniss Everdeen come to terms with being the face of a revolution, and what that role costs. Meanwhile President Snow tries to crush the movement at every turn as Peeta languishes in the Capitol. Things are getting dark and I don’t just mean the grey jumpsuits everyone is stuck in.

Mockingjay Part 1 swaps the grandeur of the Games for a more intimate, character-driven story arc. We see the Games’ mentally tortuous affect on Katniss, who until this point has been relatively icy about witnessing children killing and being killed by other children. Finnick Odair (a nuanced Sam Claflin) is a broken man worlds away from the preening, sea-shell wearing champion we met in Catching Fire. A franchise this huge needs to take time to remind us of the human story at its core to avoid everything being at surface-level, and thankfully it succeeds.

The upside to scaling back on blockbuster set-pieces is that action sequences, when they happen, have maximum effect. An aerial attack on District 13 is played out entirely through the panicked expressions of those hunkered down underground; a violent, shocking twist at the end hits harder. Yes, it means less bang for your buck and at times I did miss the spectacle of Catching Fire. Part 1 is muted and unrelentingly grim. Even the humour, whether it’s a witty shoot for an advert or a throwaway line to the family cat, is gloomy; jaded.

(Picture: Lionsgate)

(Picture: Lionsgate)

The introduction to District 13 moves the story along nicely, but nearly all of the film takes place there so you never quite get out of the starting block. It doesn’t seem to get going at all until the rescue mission in the final third. However I reckon this is necessary to properly introduce us to President Coin and her world, who I get the impression will be playing a big part in the next chapter. It also gives Gale a chance to be more than the brooding, jilted man in pain, pining over Katniss from a distance. I feel Gale would have been involved in the Panem uprising whether Katniss had volunteered in place of Prim or not.

Speaking of Gale, we’re still no closer to finding out who Katniss wants to be with. I’m going to go out on a limb and say it should be Gale all day, and that’s down to Liam Hemsworth and his brilliantly understated performance. I’d say he was on a level with Jennifer Lawrence for the first time. J-Law, as ever, is utterly watchable and charming – no matter what she does in future Katniss will probably remain one of her greatest ever roles.

I hear that among fans of Suzanne Collins’ books Mockingjay is considered the weakest (I haven’t read them so do let me know if that’s not true), but by no means is Part 1 the weakest film, even if it was created just to get more of our money. As far as I’m concerned Lionsgate can take it.


Side note: I ship Haymitch/Effie now.

The Apprentice 2014 Episode 5 – DTSFT Roundup


Oh, reader – and I say ‘reader’ rather than ‘readers’ because I know there’s only one of you out there *waves* – if you follow me on Twitter (which I know you don’t) you will know I normally live-tweet The Apprentice along with all the other fans. But alas, it was not to be for this episode, and so I missed the delightful antics of our favourite besuited idiots. However, when I got home, my dad promptly told me whose team had won – I mean, what the hell? He followed it with “Ah, but I didn’t tell you who got FIRED, did I?” as if he’d highlighted some hilarious loophole. So I killed him. After a relatively simple clean-up, I was too annoyed to watch the episode and do the roundup that night, so instead I waited until the last bloody minute and made sure it was ready for the day of the next episode. You know, so you can have a recap that you don’t need and won’t read. Whatever, I don’t ever care.

As you all will remember, it was the coach trip task – slightly different from what they’ve had to do before, the memorable London bus tour task being the first and most similar one that comes to mind. Did they do a good job? No, of course not. These people are all terrible, and you should know that by now. Okay, not all of them, but most of them. Let’s look at the roundup to see some reasons why…

The announcer saying “Junction 23 of the M25” as if it was something glamorous

The 70s jet-setting style music when the cars pulled up at the start

And Karen, Lord Sugar and Nick looking like the villainous crew in a trashy action film

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When Daniel used the the analogy of good chess players and lumped himself in with them – nah son, look at your egg-shaped self and calm down

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No joke, Mark is consistently impressive – my dad said from episode one he thought that he was the one to watch, and I think he’s right!

Sanjay and Gemma looking like they’re on their way to audition for a Specsavers advert

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“Hever castle is INSANE” Dude, Solomon, chill out

James trying to haggle with the lady from Hever Castle was fantastic.

“How about we-”


“How about-”



“Please leave.”

Daniel always looks like he’s just got off the dance-floor at his younger brother’s wedding

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And I’ll be honest, when Nick said “Daniel, a master salesman, a fat zero” I thought he was just describing Daniel, not talking about sales.

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I think this picture gives an accurate idea of how Sanjay and Gemma each felt through the whole of the task

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Lauren has been my favourite of the girls in terms of actual competence – she always seems to have her head screwed on, although she’s a bit moany

Sarah would have loved this colour scheme, such a shame she’s not in the game anymore

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Fully expected this chick (name still unknown) to get a headache from the repeated eye-rolling…

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…but it caught on later in the boardroom, inspiring some creepy solo action from Lord Sugar’s left eye…

Serious eye-game from Lord Sugar here, two different directions, well played

…which in turn was eerily reminiscent of this playa from earlier in the show.

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We were all Karen at this point


Just imagine if she’d actually just gone, “Fuck this, I’m an ACTUAL businesswoman” and just smashed the glass, sent all the customers home in a taxi and just laid into the team.

Dammit Karen, why didn’t you do that instead?

This was actually an intervention that they interrupted, to stop Sebastien (in the centre, wearing his shitty hat and bow-tie combo) from wearing his shitty hat and bow-tie combo.

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But it obviously didn’t work, because as we later saw, his influence rubbed off on Felipe.


*James Ingram voice*


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Can you believe that at the start of the tour, this was Ariana Grande?

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And by the end of the tour she was DEAD?

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One less, one less problem

How are you going to sit in front of Lord Sugar and tell him you’re “not going to get sucked into it”? That’s what you’re THERE FOR.

“Flannel is for the bathroom, not the boardroom”

Daniel was so bitter that the team didn’t attribute their victory to him hahaha

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“I’d rather win ugly than lose being liked” But Daniel, don’t you see? You’re already ugly, mate.

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Speaking of ugly, Roisin babe, you need to just be aware, come on, you look like a horse confused by a sandwich.


Sorry but “If Anne Boleyn’s neck had been as thick as you she might still be alive” is my favourite line. Over 500 years old, but sure, still alive.

It’s so obvious that Sanjay got caught up in having fun with James, like when the quiet kid somehow makes friends with the naughty one in class and they both get hyper and can’t calm down until they get in trouble. Except they’re both adults so they just seem like fucking idiots.

Poor Gemma. But don’t feed Lord Sugar that line about “I’m the girl who always almost wins”, you’re just asking to be fired with something like that.

Have you ever seen Nick give such a disgusted to look? Hahaha

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Loved that last little bit at the house where everyone was criticising Daniel, god I want to punch him in his stupid, massive face.

Finally, some more of those sweet sweet filler shots, this time not just London…

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I will be back on time with the posts after the next episode, I promise. What’s that? You don’t give a shit?


The Apprentice 2014 Episode 4 – DTSFT Roundup


Guys, guys, you watched it, right? Tell me you watched it. If you haven’t – sod off and come back later when you’re done.

Okay, ready?

What the hell you guys, TRIPLE ELIMINATION, BABY! Yeah we all suspected there’d be a double again but BAM, three in a row? Nah, none of us expected that. This week’s task was one of those ones where we all reckon we could do a great job, but probably would end up screwing it up the same way the teams did. With ‘Dare to Dine’ competing against ‘Fat Daddy Fitness Hell’, I’m surprised anyone watched the videos (but then again, it was probably sent to all the BBC staff to give them at least a handful of views).

Here’s the roundup:

I’m going to start off with my favourite thing that has happened so far in this series, and is in my top 3 moments of all time of anything happening ever. Daniel woke up and banged his head on the side of the bed.

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Do you even realise how funny this is? Hahahaha

Solomon asking Felipe to do his tie for him. Is it that he physically cannot do it for himself, or is he just so lazy? Either way, Felipe is too cute for doing it for him.

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But Solomon is totally the man for the job. He’s the internet man, you see.

“That’s right, Lord Sugar. You see, it’s about ethics in gaming journalism, and…”


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Ella’s line of ‘I am me, I am Ella Jade’. Why do people think it’s such a cool thing to say stuff like “I’m just being me” or “I’m the only one of me”? Shut the hell up. Shut up. That’s basic common sense, not some special thing you’ve come up with to show how unique and extraordinary you are. Everyone is different, so shut up forever.

Cheeky little Felipe and his mole face, putting his ‘Fat Daddy’ idea into place with his self-deprecating self.  Also, how harsh is it that no-one looked bothered by the Fat Daddy concept other than the Geordie lass? (Still working on a nameless basis here because they’re all so powerfully forgettable)

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No, Felipe, you’re just MySpace-more-to-love

Over on the other team, check out the genius ideas on their chart. ‘Cafe Culanary’ is my favourite – remember, brightest minds in Britain here. Also, you can almost hear the conversations behind each of the suggestions.

“Blind Food, like blind-fold, get it?”

“James, why don’t you sit down and have your Cheesestring, yeah mate?”

“Okay Sally-man”

“It’s Solomon”


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Sanjay, I think that banana is inflated enough, take your mouth off it.

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I like the crossover with the cameraman from a Scooby Doo episode. Zoinks!

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Not a real job. Nope.

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This picture looks like one of those random photos taken at a nightclub where a drunk business woman has bumped into her boyfriend’s younger brother, who is out on the lash with the rugby society from uni

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Look out, it’s a Bantersaurus! HILARIOUS!

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This delicious looking cartoon burger, what the hell is wrong with me?

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One true highlight of this episode was Steven’s truly cringe-inducing, rambling pitch – from his practice run to the real thing, it was just so long-winded and repetitive, it’s no wonder they weren’t successful. Here are some screenshots of his truly glorious nonsense:

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 Team Tenacity apparently recreating The Graduate, if this weirdly framed shot is anything to go by…

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Lord Sugar’s reaction to the Dare To Dine video, which was the same as everyone else’s…

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I thought it was very sweet of Lord Sugar to make this comment to Felipe:

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As it would have been easy for him to make some snarky fat-joke or mean comment. I also liked that these next two shots which followed directly the comment – it’s clear that James has totally misunderstood what Lord Sugar just said.

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Ultimately, Team Summit won with their dire Dare to Dine video, leaving Ella Jade and her teammates on Tenacity to head to the Bridge Cafe and await their fate. Steven had his strategy sorted. Claws in, cat:

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Lord Sugar had the chance to get a bit cheeky in the boardroom…

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And Ella Jade did bring him back, along with Sarah. After some fantastic bickering, lots of bitchy talking over one another and raised voices, the amazing triple elimination happened:

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Ella Jade’s last look through the door after not so gracefully accepting her fate – “Please Lord Sugar, I’ll learn from this, I promise, I’ll be so good, I’ll eat all my vegetables, please” – was superb, almost cinematic in its tragedy.

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There’s your documentary, mate

Finishing off this post with what little London p-0-r-n there was:

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To be brutally honest, the episode itself wasn’t up to  The Apprentice’s usual standard until the end, where it saved an otherwise mediocre episode. Next week is the coach trip task, where the teams will have to create London bus rides for tourists – this was the task where Stuart and Chris fell out and acted like total dickheads a few series back, so you know it’s going to be a good one…