The Apprentice 2014 Episode 1 – DTSFT Roundup


*Michael Jackson thrust* A-hee-heeeeee! The Apprentice is back, shamon-uh!

Sorry about that, just overcome with excitement right now because the only reality show worth watching is finally back. Yes, the BBC has finally brought back The Apprentice, and you just know it’s going to deliver. With an assortment of completely batty contestants, relatively simple tasks made to look impossibly difficult, and all the stunning panoramic shots of London you could possibly want, we’ve got several weeks ahead of us of furious tweeting and abnormal crushes on cocky men in suits. Although to be honest, none of the male contestants have struck me as being Miles-worthy…

The first task was something of a tribute to all the sales tasks that have gone before in the previous ten years (yes, TEN YEARS) of The Apprentice. Tasked to pick from a selection of products and then sell, sell, sell, the teams made the least out of their choices; flogging bags of potatoes to chippies, choosing T-shirts and then not even bothering to try to sell them, creating hipster hot dogs that no-body ASKED FOR, WHAT’S WRONG WITH MUSTARD? WHO ASKS FOR GUACAM- you know what? No. No, you won’t get my blood pressure up, Summit. Ah yes, Summit and Decadence, which sound more like the names of budget holiday packages than team names for business-people. You couldn’t make it up – except that they did.   It’s going to be a good series, you guys. I’m going to apologise in advance for 1) this being a bit late and 2) the screenshots having the play button and progress bar; the iPlayer download brings up those things as soon as you try to do a screen capture, so I’ll get better pictures for the next episodes.

So, as ever, here’s the roundup….

The arrogance of the contestants was ever presence, including Quasimodo here punching above his weight

“9 out of 10 for attractiveness”? To be fair, he’s actually quite beautiful for a horse

Am I the only one who thinks that Scott’s ears are freakishly low down on his head? I bet he can hear his own chewing really loudly

I bet you are, babe

White Jackie Brown wannabe rolling out the worst cliche ever

And this unwanted twist on the “there’s no ‘i’ in team” nonsense

Interesting to note that without those five ‘i’s, you’re left with an anagram of ‘dull, bland cavern‘, which is an apt description for Daniel.

When the girls were schooled by Sarah on the important aspects of business (although, there’s no reason why looking good can’t be a priority along with your career – let’s not be too judgemental, ladies)

Steven’s hissy fits in the car and boardroom, love it

The girls trying to sell some crappy cleaning products to the zoo, in the most bizarre pitch – “We thought it would be great for you to buy them from us”

This fucking mug trying to get his 5 seconds of fame

HAHAHA! Banter, mate, with a capital ‘B’ – which also stands for ‘bastard’, as in ‘fuck off, you bastard’

Decadence demonstrating professional conduct in front of their customers

When this woman didn’t know how many sheep she had. “About 80%”?? That’s just plain bad shepherding.

Also, that obviously means you live on a farm, so having lots of animals isn’t impressive, it’s just WHAT HAPPENS ON FARMS

Sarah’s lemon agenda


…which prompted this DIAMOND tweet from our very own Hannah

The giant inflatable man that somehow came to life, bought some shit clothes and managed to become a contestant

Sports nutrition = A GIANT BEANSTALK

“Yeah, I was assistant manager at a GNC”

“Yeah, I was assistant manager at a GNC”

Why bother with sensible shoes when you can jump from a car wearing stilettos and risk breaking your ankle? Idiot.


This first episode was a good one for exasperated facial expressions…

“I’m saying nothing” eye-rolls…


And some serious tongue-biting and “Oh fuck no” jaw-clenching from Steven…

I am his biggest fan right now

“Fine” *internally raging*

Jesus, take the wheel

They’re just HATERS, Steven. He just needs a mug of tea and he’ll be the real life Kermit meme

But there was also my favourite thing from The Apprentice – shot of London as the sun sets and rises. Nothing glows like it.

Screen Shot 2014-10-15 at 11.01.27 Screen Shot 2014-10-15 at 11.02.42 Screen Shot 2014-10-15 at 11.02.53

I’m not 100% (or 100 out of 100, in terms of sheep) what the next episode is about, but let’s be real – it’s going to be a banger no matter what…


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