The Apprentice 2014 Episode 3 – DTSFT Roundup

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I didn’t do episode 2. I apologise. I will fix this. For now – wake up and smell the candles, it’s episode 3 of The Apprentice.

This week, the two teams of plebs have to create and sell a fragranced candles, a task that seems easy enough – vanilla, round jar, little box, fuck it, sorted – but of course, this is The Apprentice and these bastards will find a way to make it look like the most difficult thing in the world.  Despite a few hiccups, Katie led her team well with a clear interest in the products, while over on Roisin’s team it seemed like everyone just wanted the whole thing to be over.

Personally I quite like candles, but try to get me to buy one on the street for more than the pitiful change in my pocket and we’re going to have a problem.  Here’s the roundup:

This outtake from 'When A Stranger Calls'

This outtake from ‘When A Stranger Calls’

Katie: “I buy reed diffusers, candles, plug-ins, I do do that”

What are you doing? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

What are you doing? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I liked the bit where they made sure everyone knows just how few scented candles there are on offer

candle collage

“Everyone says I wanna go back to the beach, I miss the smell” I have never said that

Sarah trying to slyly get the conversation round to lemons again “People like food smells” and later “What about LEMONISE? It’s a made up word”. Hopefully after next week she’ll change her lemony ways. I doubt it though.

lemon gif

This outtake from the episode of GIRLs where they had an office in a taxi:

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Nick’s powerful face

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“Whether you like it or not”

“Whether you like it or not”

When Katie asked the sub-team to ask Sarah to be quiet because “She’s making no sense”

When we had to keep staring at what looked like pee

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These two women who are so far off the radar that I keep forgetting they’re even contestants

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This great shot of Nurun and Lindsay when Karen was calling them both weak links

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I hate Daniel, okay? Stephen totally saved that pitch with his offer, and Daniel accused him of  ruining the pitch with his interjection, even though the interjection WAS what saved the pitch. FUCK OFF DANIEL. Like I said on Twitter, he’s the guy who’ll try to be charming and buy you and a drink, and when you politely decline, he’ll call you a bitch.

And how about Mr 9 out of 10 for attractiveness over here?

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I feel sorry for the delivery people who have to say “Delivery for Team Tenacity/Summit”

Of course Roisin loves the smell of linen, especially after Snow White changes all the bed sheets down at the cottage

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Sorry not sorry

This look from Bianca, which showed just how much faith she had in James’s ability to price things up.

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Would you buy an expensive candle from a bloke in a waistcoat? Shut up.

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Ugh, Sarah is so deliberately unhelpful sometimes, look at her body language, she’s so shit. Also, don’t call other women bossy when they’re just being in control of the project, you idiot.

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James looking unimpressed with Nurun and Lindsay’s attempt at co-ordinating their outfits.

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Karen SCHOOLING James on his RRP shit

Sarah lurking while the others made sales, then trying to convince the others that the price was too high – we’ve found the villains so early on in this series, you guys

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I loved how everyone on team Summit was just going round selling the candles at whatever price they could think of, amazing

When Roisin’s team so rudely took a phonecall while trying to close a sale – we were all Karen in that moment

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Lindsay’s pulled

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Lord Sugar seemed to think that the candle looked like a glass full of custard – I would legit pay £35 for a glass of custard, because that shit is delicious.

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“Nevermind aloe vera, sounds like it’s goodbye Sarah”

I think we all wanted team Tenacity to take their leftover candles to the spa with them and try to sell them there

Of the bodies they could have shown being massaged, they chose Daniel and Felipe instead of Steven. Out-fucking-rageous.

Roisin’s face

This is the face of dreadful realisation

This is the face of dreadful realisation

James repeatedly interrupting actually gave me high blood pressure, just shut the hell up you prick

Then this beautiful moment of stretching

The FUCK are you doing fam?

The FUCK are you doing fam?

“I don’t trade in London, I’m from Peterborough” Best. Line. Ever.

Mr 9 our of 10’s face when Lindsay was talking herself out of a job

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Why was yer man rolling his t-shirt sleeves up? Ain’t no gunshow here.

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Oh and finally, more London p-o-r-n

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It was as if this week was an architecture special, old and new. Glorious.

See you next week for the roundup, if my spine is okay after all the cringing…

The Apprentice 2014 Episode 1 – DTSFT Roundup

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*Michael Jackson thrust* A-hee-heeeeee! The Apprentice is back, shamon-uh!

Sorry about that, just overcome with excitement right now because the only reality show worth watching is finally back. Yes, the BBC has finally brought back The Apprentice, and you just know it’s going to deliver. With an assortment of completely batty contestants, relatively simple tasks made to look impossibly difficult, and all the stunning panoramic shots of London you could possibly want, we’ve got several weeks ahead of us of furious tweeting and abnormal crushes on cocky men in suits. Although to be honest, none of the male contestants have struck me as being Miles-worthy…

The first task was something of a tribute to all the sales tasks that have gone before in the previous ten years (yes, TEN YEARS) of The Apprentice. Tasked to pick from a selection of products and then sell, sell, sell, the teams made the least out of their choices; flogging bags of potatoes to chippies, choosing T-shirts and then not even bothering to try to sell them, creating hipster hot dogs that no-body ASKED FOR, WHAT’S WRONG WITH MUSTARD? WHO ASKS FOR GUACAM- you know what? No. No, you won’t get my blood pressure up, Summit. Ah yes, Summit and Decadence, which sound more like the names of budget holiday packages than team names for business-people. You couldn’t make it up – except that they did.   It’s going to be a good series, you guys. I’m going to apologise in advance for 1) this being a bit late and 2) the screenshots having the play button and progress bar; the iPlayer download brings up those things as soon as you try to do a screen capture, so I’ll get better pictures for the next episodes.

So, as ever, here’s the roundup….

The arrogance of the contestants was ever presence, including Quasimodo here punching above his weight

“9 out of 10 for attractiveness”? To be fair, he’s actually quite beautiful for a horse

Am I the only one who thinks that Scott’s ears are freakishly low down on his head? I bet he can hear his own chewing really loudly

I bet you are, babe

White Jackie Brown wannabe rolling out the worst cliche ever

And this unwanted twist on the “there’s no ‘i’ in team” nonsense

Interesting to note that without those five ‘i’s, you’re left with an anagram of ‘dull, bland cavern‘, which is an apt description for Daniel.

When the girls were schooled by Sarah on the important aspects of business (although, there’s no reason why looking good can’t be a priority along with your career – let’s not be too judgemental, ladies)

Steven’s hissy fits in the car and boardroom, love it

The girls trying to sell some crappy cleaning products to the zoo, in the most bizarre pitch – “We thought it would be great for you to buy them from us”

This fucking mug trying to get his 5 seconds of fame

HAHAHA! Banter, mate, with a capital ‘B’ – which also stands for ‘bastard’, as in ‘fuck off, you bastard’

Decadence demonstrating professional conduct in front of their customers

When this woman didn’t know how many sheep she had. “About 80%”?? That’s just plain bad shepherding.

Also, that obviously means you live on a farm, so having lots of animals isn’t impressive, it’s just WHAT HAPPENS ON FARMS

Sarah’s lemon agenda

lemon

…which prompted this DIAMOND tweet from our very own Hannah

The giant inflatable man that somehow came to life, bought some shit clothes and managed to become a contestant

Sports nutrition = A GIANT BEANSTALK

“Yeah, I was assistant manager at a GNC”

“Yeah, I was assistant manager at a GNC”

Why bother with sensible shoes when you can jump from a car wearing stilettos and risk breaking your ankle? Idiot.

tip

This first episode was a good one for exasperated facial expressions…

“I’m saying nothing” eye-rolls…

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And some serious tongue-biting and “Oh fuck no” jaw-clenching from Steven…

I am his biggest fan right now

“Fine” *internally raging*

Jesus, take the wheel

They’re just HATERS, Steven. He just needs a mug of tea and he’ll be the real life Kermit meme

But there was also my favourite thing from The Apprentice – shot of London as the sun sets and rises. Nothing glows like it.

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I’m not 100% (or 100 out of 100, in terms of sheep) what the next episode is about, but let’s be real – it’s going to be a banger no matter what…