It’s that time of year again where people won’t shut the hell up about Valentine’s Day. Supermarkets get decked out in red and pink, adverts are all geared towards THAT SPECIAL DAY, and the internet explodes with updates, ‘listicles’ and blogs about whether we should care about Valentine’s Day or not. It’s easy for me, because I don’t care about anything, so when I see you and your beloved other halves flaunting your happiness all over social media, it doesn’t have any effect on me here in my emotional vacuum. But that hasn’t stopped me from helping those of you who reach out to me in your time of need, and this week’s cry for help comes from Finn in Newcastle.
I need help, I’ve been going out with this girl for two months and she’s lovely and all, but she’s been dropping mad hints on Facebook since the start of the month. She’s been liking certain pages and pictures of jewellery, retweeting stupid tweets from those ‘Just Girl Things’ twitter accounts, and pointing out flowers and chocolates in shop windows. I can’t handle it. I want to do something nice for Valentine’s Day just so she doesn’t stress out at me, but it has to be something small and not too serious. Any ideas?”
Finn, I’ll be honest with you. A lot of ladies would see your attitude towards Valentine’s Day as a reflection of your attitude towards your girlfriend – too laid back, non-committal, lazy. To me, the fact that you feel like you need to do something for Valentine’s Day just to placate her says a lot. What about what YOU want, Finn? Are you going to just drop everything and organise your Friday night around going for some expensive meal just because your SELFISH girlfriend expects it? I think Valentine’s Day should be renamed ‘Meaningless-Occasion-Where-Men-Fork-Out-Stupid-Amounts-of-Cash-For-Stupid-Shit-That-Their-Girlfriends-Don’t-Need-But-Want-Because-They’re-Shiny-And-Society-Dictates-That-This-Must-Be-Done-Because-Of-The-Date Day’. I don’t know what’s going to be next, Finn, but I would bet that it involves you giving up everything you have, everything you LOVE, everything you’ve worked hard for all your life, just so that your girl can have her throw pillows and scented candles and stickers and weird floral head-dresses.
Did you know, Finnikins, that at 9pm on Friday 14th, E4 are showing Beverly Hills Cop, ITV4 are showing Police Academy, and BBC Three are showing Enemy of the State? That’s enough of a dilemma in itself. I mean, which one are you going to choose? You don’t need the extra stress of paying for an expensive meal and flowers when you’re already faced with a quandary such as this. And two months is nothing, Finny. I’ve had longer relationships with ear-wax, but my sexual preference is not the subject here – the bottom line is this: you need a compromise. My suggestion is getting a takeaway and watching something on the TV, and then going out on a romantic midnight arson rampage. It’s the only logical thing to do.