I’ve been on a secret government mission for the last few months, which is why I haven’t done quite as many DTSFT Men’s Column updates as I should have. Anyway,
we managed to subdue the aliens and I’m back home now, ready to advise all of you poor, helpless chaps who’ve been desperate for my guidance. I sorted through the thousands of emails and letters you’ve sent in – which is weird because I don’t know how you got my home address – and I found one that seems like a good place to start, it comes from Paul in Hemel Hempstead.
“hey helben, hows it? good? yeah. anyway my m8s and i signed up for the gym in january so we could get fit and that, and i met this girl and we hit it off but then like 4 weeks later she’s kind of stopped going to the gym but at the same time she’s complaining about her cellulite and i’m like come gym then and she’s like you did not just and i’m like what do you want me to say boo? so what i need help with is what does she want me to say?”
A lot to take in there, Paul. Firstly, it’s HELEN not Helben, honestly, sometimes I wonder why I bother. Secondly, well done you for sticking with the gym for more than 4 weeks; I was thinking about joining a gym but I couldn’t even stick with that train of thought for more than 4 seconds, and that happens to me a lot. Hahaha have you seen the one where Pops makes Benson stop yelling at Mordecai and Rigby and he almost explodes? Thirdly, the issue at hand. This requires a three-step approach, which I will now outline as part of my soon-to-be published guide, “How To Be A Wuman”.
So Your Girlfriend Wants Your Opinion – “The Hint Trap”
Often when your girlfriend makes a comment, she is simultaneously asking you a question and also expecting you to give an answer so perfect that it literally doesn’t exist. Some examples of this well-disguised trap:
“I wish I had a body like Beyonce” – TELL ME MY BODY IS SEXY
“Ugh, I hate my laugh” – TELL ME MY LAUGH IS SEXY
“My hands always smell of egg” – TELL ME MY HANDS ARE EGGY
The reason for this is simple; women, like most people, are human beings, and human beings are invariably selfish and terrible. I mean, who asks a question when they don’t really want to hear what you have to say? Don’t answer that. My point is, you have to tread carefully. So she said she hated her cellulite, and you replied that she should come to the gym. Dude, you’re totally right, but what you said actually wasn’t right. But what else could you have said?
“I love your cellulite, babes”
WRONG. If you say this, you’re confirming to her that not only does she have cellulite, but that you’ve noticed it, so you’re just going to get a whole load more “you did not just” responses out of her, probably as she screams and throws dumbbells at you. Oh no wait, she doesn’t go to the gym. She’ll probably just throw jars of jam at you.
There is one, just ONE, fool-proof answer that can be used in this kind of situation, and if you use it correctly you will be guaranteed a safe landing. Follow these steps:
1. Stare her down.
2. Start a slow hand-clap.
3. Keep clapping as you back away slowly.
4. Avoid that person for the rest of your life.
Stay safe, Paul, and keep your pimp hand strong.