Oh what, did you think I’d forgotten? Or that I’d somehow stopped being a cynic? I expected more from you people. Well actually, I’m a cynic, so I didn’t expect anything from you at all.
Let’s face it, 2013 was good but it was no 2012, that’s for sure. And despite my list of
demands suggestions for things that should stop in 2013, nothing really changed, did it? So rather than re-hash those same sentiments, I’ve got a new list, one that might be easier to stick to, and as ever these aren’t the big issues that the world needs to focus on. These are the big issues that YOU need to focus on.
5. Mason jars
If you’ve ever looked at a craft board on Pinterest, you’ll no doubt have come across a load of links to websites for ‘50 Gifts in Mason Jars’ or ‘100 Ways To Use Mason Jars’. There’s only one way to use mason jars, and that’s the way you use ANY jar. You put stuff in it and then that’s it, that’s all, that’s everything. They’re storage, plain and simple. For example, you can store a healthy meal in a mason jar, and layer up the vegetables so that they look colourful and pretty. I wonder how colourful and pretty that meal will look once you’ve tipped it out onto a plate because you can’t scoop your food out properly, and then had to run a spoon around the inside to get every bit of it out. What a hassle. I’ve seen tutorials for melting down candles into mason jars so that instead of a candle in its own glass, you’ve got a candle in its own mason jar. Ooooooooh! How quaint and rustic, it’ll go so well next to your iPhone speakers! And people will know how thrifty and good at crafts you are when they see your home-made candle next to your £20 foundation and your £350 boots.
Oh, but you’re going to fill yours with sand and put candles in them to light your garden on a summer night? USE SOLAR LIGHTS OR FAIRY LIGHTS LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.
Oh but you’re going to fill yours with a refreshing cucumber and mint drink that will detox your body, and refresh and hydrate your skin? DRINK WATER FROM YOUR FILTHY, CUPPED HANDS LIKE A NORMAL PERSON.
Oh but you’re going to fill yours with little bits of paper, on which you’ve written your hopes and dreams for 2014? GIVE UP ON YOURSELF AND HUMANITY LIKE THE REST OF US.
Why do people talk all the time? Why can’t they shut up for a minute and let me think?
3. Sharing ‘must-see links’ on Facebook and Twitter
I get it, people. You feel guilty that you can’t get out there and be an inspiration to other people, or that you’re not changing the world in some dramatic, emotional way. So instead, you share videos of people talking – and if you read number 4 on this list, you’ll know that I’m not okay with talking.
To be more specific, spoken-word poetry. For a start, the name itself annoys me – ‘spoken word poetry’. Poetry is words, words are either read or spoken, therefore two out of the three parts of that name are redundant, they should just call it ‘words’. So ‘words’ then, people are sharing videos of people standing up in front of others and saying ‘words’. Some of them are interesting to listen to because they’re funny or insightful – there are many videos on Youtube of poets like T. Miller who are actually great, but for every great poet there are a hundred more who think that just by using the same tired inflections and cadences in their voice they can turn their blah-blahs into poetry. Take Pages Matam:
Here’s his BRAVE PERFORMANCE of a poem he wrote after hearing a woman on the bus being told that her looks meant she’d never be raped. People shared this video, hailing this man for being strong and caring about women so much that he bravely stood up and shared his words in front of a group of people, his words about how to support and respect women despite the fact that in the situation he clearly didn’t do a damn thing to support and respect the woman in question.
Don’t get caught up in the bullshit, people. They’re just throwing together long rambling sentences that require them to take a breath before a few shorts, blunt sentences with sad/angry looks, waving their hands as if they’re arguing for their life when in fact they’re just tricking you into believing what they’re saying is in some way meaningful or insightful because they’ve just got many words to say before symbolically dropping the mic and walking off the stage. See what I’m doing? I’m using their form for that paragraph. And it worked.
*drops mic, walks off the stage*
2. Miniature and hybrid food
Guys, I’m really not okay with this. There’s nothing ‘cute’ about miniature cupcakes or mini muffins or whatever. It’s essentially party food, and the ironic thing about party food is that unless the entire platter of mini pizzas is for me, no-one is going to have a good time because I’ll be crying in the corner and shouting abuse at the host/hostess for not providing enough food. It’s just rude, to be honest.
But hybrid food is the main issue here. Cronuts, for fuck’s sake. A cross between a doughnut and a WHO GIVES A SHIT? EAT BOTH. EAT BOTH AND SHUT UP.
Why are they trying to improve doughnuts? They’re already perfection, it’s blasphemous, quite frankly. Doughnuts were doing great, and then someone filled them with jam and blew our minds, and then someone else filled them with custard and spun our heads, and then someone filled them with cream and covered them with chocolate and changed the game, man.
Then we became greedy. We got ahead of ourselves. We abused our baking powers and starting messing around with things, creating our own monsters like culinary Frankensteins in our kitchen laboratories.
Also, if ‘cronut’ was spelt ‘croughnut’, people might pronounce it as ‘cruffnut’, and that’s so unappealing.
1. Mumford and Sons-ing songs
Look, guys. We live in a world where it’s cheaper to buy a new phone than replace it. If something breaks, we don’t need to fix it because we’re so used to things being disposable, so if our coats or jumpers get a tear in them we just get a new one. If we get a hole in our boots, we’ll just buy a new pair instead of taking them to the cobblers. And speaking of cobblers, Mumford and Sons.
This folk revival that’s been gradually happening has reached a point where even Gary bloody Barlow is influenced by Mumford and Sons. Fast chords on a guitar, a banjo in the background and wearing tweed, that’s all you need to make a Mumford and Sons song. Back in 2012 when Phillip Phillips (that’s his actual name) won American Idol, his winner’s song wasn’t a huge ballad, it was a folk-style song with plenty of drums and twanging guitars as if they were trying to convince you that he’d won a country fair rather than a national televised singing competition.
Mumford and Sons, I’m calling out – you’ve released the same song over and over again and managed to distract the general public by doing things like casting Hollywood actors in your videos and marrying Carey Mulligan. But your reign of terror is over. It’s time for you to go.