Oh it’s about to get X-rated up in DTSFT today. Yeah, this week’s topic is a little bit racy, so if you are a child who has clicked on this link, please close your eyes while you read this.
I received a letter from Curtis in Peterborough, who asked:
Hi DTSFT, my girlfriend and I have been together for 6 months and it’s so great but last night she told me she wanted to spice things up in the bedroom. She handed me a note with her fantasy on it and I was too scared to open it so I sent it to you. What should I do?
Thank you for contacting me, Curtis, and I am flattered that you would think to ask my advice at a time like this. Firstly, you shouldn’t be ‘scared’ of finding out what your girlfriend’s fantasy is, you should embrace the fact that she is now comfortable enough with you to be open about these things. And why do you assume that her fantasy is going to be something worth getting scared about? Maybe your little lady just wants to play a little dress up, you know – she’s the french maid, you’re the pizza delivery man. Or maybe her fantasy is more specific, like you’re both characters from a TV show or film, say, I dunno, she’s a Disney princess and and you’re a combination of all the animal sidekicks, together you frolic in the darkest, kinkiest depths of each other’s psyches. You’d be as limber as a lion, as honourable as a horse, as Jamaican as a crab. She beckons you to her with her beautiful singing voice, and your duet gradually becomes more and more depraved and syncopated as you –
You know what, I’m going to stop there.
But look, if you want, I’ll read the note you sent – oh wow okay if you’re going to do this, you’ll need to be double jointed, have no allergies, and be able to take at least 3 weeks off from work. I would not advise spending any more time with that psychopath. Get out of there, Curtis. Get out of there now. And may god have mercy on your soul.