We’ve talked about many summer related things on this column, which really is a testament to the ridiculously long summer we’ve had so far. If you’ve been paying attention, you’ll have enjoyed some delicious barbecued meats while writhing seductively on a beach, wearing only a pair of swimming trunks. If you haven’t been paying attention, then it’s more than likely that you’ve spent your weeks in your room, curtains drawn, watching episodes of The Simpsons – don’t worry, I’ve been doing that too. But there’s something I haven’t addressed so far that is a huge part of summertime life, and that hasn’t gone unnoticed by our loyal readers. This week’s
made up completely legit question comes from Donald in Warwickshire, who asks:
“We’ve got bare spiders in our house, fam, I wanna be the man of the house and that, you get me, but I dunno how to take care of this business. My woman needs me to be the big man, brave and shit, but I’m scared of them things”
Donald, say no more. All my life, I have been terrified of spiders, and while I hate the idea of killing them, sometimes I feel like it’s them against me, and I’m always going to be outnumbered because there’s billions of spiders and only one of me (that I know of), and right now I can’t afford the firepower to take on that kind of opponent. People have always consoled me with the notion that spiders can’t hurt me, or that if they’re in the bath they can’t get out because the sides of the bath are smooth or the essential oils are too relaxing or something (I often don’t listen when people talk). But I can’t shake the idea that they’re out to get me, you know? It’s the way they walk around as if they own the place, but you make one move in their direction and they run away – spineless, is what they are. And did you know that if you take two spiders of similar size and weight, and match all their feet up so they’re sitting foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot, they create an ACTUAL BOMB? I’m not trying to scare you or anything, I’m just saying, don’t line up two spiders foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot-to-foot.
But maybe I’m overreacting. I mean, as you’ll see from this CCTV footage, not all spiders are evil.
Look at that mad bastard, having a great time. That could be you, knocking about with a little spider friend.
Just look at this little guy’s face….
Nope. Still scared. Don’t think I can help you on this occasion, Donald.