On this past fine Bank Holiday, I’m sure that many of you male readers of DTSFT probably felt lost without my guidance. I’m sorry that you had to wait for this, but we here at DTSFT strictly adhere to public holidays (that is to say, don’t expect muchos posting around Christmas or even my birthday – which, I’m sure you’ll agree, should have been declared a public holiday many years ago). So without further ado, let’s dive into that pile of letters from you guys, all awaiting my help…
This week’s question comes from Paul in Wimbledon:
I’ve recently started seeing a lovely girl, but the problem I’m having is that she’s a bit of a self-proclaimed ‘foodie’. She always wants us to go to these off-beat restaurants or 5 star places with weird food to try, but I’m a steak and chips kind of guy. Can you help me find a compromise?
Paul, I’ll be straight with you here – there ain’t no compromise. Sorry, double negative – just to clarify, there isn’t a compromise. The moment a person says they’re a ‘foodie’, all you need to know is that it translates into ‘I’ll eat anything that has a fancy name and I love the sound of my own voice talking about the food I’ve just eaten’.
I don’t want to advise you to be unchivalrous, P-Sauce (although it’d be hella funny to see you pull the chair out FOR her but then pull it out FROM UNDER her), but the next time this lady tries to drag you to some fancy fusion food establishment, you put your foot down and you say “NO! Vile beast, thou hast draggest me to thy last choice of troughs, for mine palate can taketh no more! FEAST thine eyes upon the succulent delights of the steak-house” then grab her by the hand and run to the nearest steak-house. Now, I cannot vouch for the proximity of said steak-house, because I don’t know where you’ll be at any given time (yet). But it is a course of action that must be taken, young Paul. Listen here…
People of Britain (and, indeed, the world),
For too long have we endured the stuffy self-righteousness of the self-appointed foodies of the world. Not once have we ever asked to know the origin of the dishes laid out in front of us, nor have we asked them to recount their own visits to the vineyard in which they tasted the wines far superior to those offered at the establishment in which we are currently eating. We must stand together and end the tyranny, for it has gone on too long.