Now, if you’re anything like me, you’ll avoid social interaction at any cost. However, there’s a strong chance that you’re not a totally cretinous hermit, and you might occasionally endeavour outside of your house to engage in some kind of activity with other people. I’ll never understand the human race. This week’s query comes from a young man who seems to actually enjoy other people’s company. Frank from Clapham asks:
“Every time I’m out with my friends and in the presence of the opposite sex, I find myself overcome with a feeling of inadequacy; I’m not overly handsome, nor am I repulsive to look upon. I have a decent amount of knowledge on a wide range of subjects, but I am not condescending towards people during conversation. My job offers a high salary, but I don’t flaunt my belongings and money in people’s faces, nor am I materialistic. No, my problem is that, alas, I cannot dance. Can you help me?”
Frank, I felt it was necessary to publish your question in its entirety because you, sir, are a fucking poet. Seriously man, you don’t need to be able to dance – just walk up to a woman, start talking the way you talked in that email and you’ll have all the chicas you want. But I get it, you want to be able to shake your hips, you want those moves like Jagger, it’s understandable. Now, I don’t want to brag and you should know by now that I’m not one for hyperbole, but I’m one of the world’s greatest dancers – including all human life past and present, and I’m going to safely assume future, too. You’re a smart guy, so what I’m going to need you to do is put on a song and follow my instructions. For the sake of helping you out, I’ll suggest a timeless classic for you to dance to.
Okay now bend your knees, just like doing an impression of an old-timey policeman.
After a couple of rounds of that, you’re going to raise your hands in the air, and then wave them like you just don’t care.
Now, here’s the tricky part – lift your right foot off the ground, and twist your knee so that your toes are facing your other foot. Bend at the hip and sway side to side, while doing the Arsenio fist pump with both hands. Try to make sure your hands aren’t in sync, it looks much better.
While you’re doing this – and it might take some practice to get it right all together – you need to grin really widely, and make your eyes as big as possible.
I promise you, Frank, the ladies won’t be able to keep their hands off you.