It’s the start of another week, and I hope that you’re all enjoying this beautiful weather. It’s the kind of weather that prompts people to get together and have parties, barbecues and spontaneous fun at the park, and this week’s question should strike a chord with some of you guys out there. It comes from Schneykjavik in Reykjavík, who asks:
“Please to tell me, what is best for to serve in barbecue, because I not eat steak?”
You better Schneyk yourself before you Reyk yourself, boy (credit that joke to my bro Geo). I had to settle down with a mug of coffee and some world-class scientists to decipher just what the hell you were talking about, Schneykky, but we eventually managed to work it out. You want to know what is best for to serve in – god dammit, Schneyks, I mean you want to know what you can serve at your barbecue for your guests that don’t eat steak.
I understand the problem, buddy. I am one of those people that doesn’t really like steak; when I go to a barbecue, I stick to the hot dogs, burgers and chicken – it’s not as if that’s not enough choice. Stock up on some chicken drumsticks, marinate them in some oil and spices, cook them in the oven and then stick them on the grill to give them that smokey barbecue flavour. Burgers and hot dogs speak for themselves really, just whack ‘em on the barbie and you’re more or less sorted.
But there’s a larger issue at steak here (chuckles gently to herself). Your email suggests that the person who won’t be eating steak at your barbecue is you. And you’re a man. Do you mean to tell me that you’re a man who doesn’t eat steak?
I had abandoned this post, due to my disgust at what I was facing. For several days I was taken ill, spending two days and two nights in the infirmary under the watch of a stern matron, who thwarted my many attempts at contact with the outside world. Luckily, I escaped on the third morning, and found my way home. Upon arriving home I went to check up on DTSFT and found this post in the drafts section. I bravely endeavoured to complete my advice so that I may post it. Here is what I have come up with:
Advice For Men Who Don’t Eat Steak (or, ‘So You’ve Decided To Become A Tortoise’)
‘Man shall not live on bread alone’
So sayeth The Bible (I got halfway through that book, but then I bumped into a friend who was wearing a crucifix and it totally spoilt the ending for me), and so sayeth I. Bread is a delicious way to facilitate foods which ordinarily cannot be eaten with your bare hands – although, ironically, anything can be picked up and eaten if you have bear hands. Go figure. But there’s nothing exciting about bread on its own, really, and it lacks any nutritional value. Which is why steak exists.
How are you going to become a muscular beast of a man if you’re not getting enough protein, bruh? Steak is the way to biceps and glutes – the glutes hook the chicks, the strong biceps reel them in. And I know you asked me about what to serve at a barbecue, not how to get the ladies, but I can read between the lines and I know that what you’re really looking for is a sure fire way to impress the ladies. If you want to be a Schneyksy beast, you’ve got to eat a meaty feast. There’s no alternative. The steaks (chuckles again) are way too high.