DTSFT Men’s Column #7 – Tattoo

The British heatwave continues, and this week I’ve received many, many questions – almost TOO many, quite frankly – about how much flesh it’s acceptable to flash.  Whether it’s a matter of being too hairy, not hairy enough, too chubby, not chubby enough,   We covered this already guys – it’s all good whatever you look like.  Except for you, Milhouse.

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But on to this week’s question, which comes from Stan in Winchester, who asks:

“i’m gonna get a tattoo of my girlfreind’s name cos i love her, she’s like a well mad chick and we been together for 6 months but she’s got cupple of tattoos that are of other blokes names but i think their her family. shud i ask her about it?”

Stan, do you know Gregor?  The two of you are so appalling at spelling and language that I’m sure you must be related. I could spend this entire post insulting you for your cretinous abuse of the English language, but instead, as I’m feeling kind, I will answer your question.  But you really pissed me off, man.  I mean, ‘cupple’? Fuck’s sake.

This could be you, Stan.

This could be you, Stan.

Let’s assess the situation though, okay?  You’ve been seeing this delightful young ‘lady’ (as ever, I ran your email address through Google, found her profile via your Facebook – Stan, mate, if her hands are bigger than your head, you’ve got to start doing some investigating of your own) for 6 months, and you’re already considering making the commitment of getting her name tattooed onto your body.  That’s some permanent shit, S-Dawg.  This is exactly the kind of behaviour I would expect from the pikey idiots who rely on Jeremy Kyle to solve their problems instead of yours truly, but I would never expect it from YOU, Stan.  You really let me down.

But aside from that, there’s the issue of her other tattoos. Now, your email stated that ‘she got cupple of tattoos’ already, and that they are the names of other men.  Sure, people get tattoos of family members’ names, it’s not unheard of, and as you yourself would agree, a tattoo is a great way to pay tribute to someone important in your life. So it could be her brother or her father, in fact any male relative’s name that she has tattooed – although it’s also very, VERY likely that those are ex-boyfriends.  But referring again to your email, you said that she was a ‘well mad chick’. This kind of scared me, Stan, I’m not going to lie, so I looked into her background a little bit, using hacking and the internet and other skills like that – dude, all of her previous boyfriends went missing, two of them were found sad but the other SEVEN – yes, SEVEN – were never found.  But in her most recent picture, she had ten tattoos, man. Not nine, Stan, TEN.   And it’s weird that I would pick your email this week, because I seen this one shit on the news a couple weeks ago that made me sick, some dude was found dead,  they found his car under a bridge, and had his laptop in the trunk and he’d been researching ideas for his ink, and on his laptop they found an email, but they didn’t say who it was to, come to think about it, his name was…. it was you.

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Damn.

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