So, as I predicted, the last fortnight has been full of people uploading pictures from festivals and posting status updates and tweets like “WISH I WAS BACK AT GLASTO!!1!!1!” and “Mumford & sons was amazin cnt wayt 2 go bck”. This week’s Men’s Column has two nuggets of advice, the first one being: Shut up, everyone.
Alright, back to business. This week, our question comes from Cyril (I know, right? Throwback name!) from Buckinghamshire, who asks:
“I’m trying to pull this bird, she’s well into like rock music and that, cos she’s still wearing her Glasto wristband. Proper authentic piece, mate. I’m thinking of learning to play guitar to impress her – is this a good idea?”
Look, Cyril, I’ll level with you here. With a name like yours, you’re going to struggle in life – I don’t mean to be harsh, but you’re destined to be one of life’s losers, it’s just that simple. And I did my usual internet search with your email address, which threw up some interesting responses – I thought you’d included ‘Wanker’ as a jokey middle name for Facebook, but the public records show that it’s actually for real. Why would you include that on your profile? Isn’t the name ‘Cyril’ and your unfortunate single, central nostril enough to encourage the bullies?
Anyway back to your question. In my opinion, it’s never a bad idea to learn a musical instrument, but you’re doing it for all the wrong reasons, bro. You think it’s as simple as picking up a guitar and learning three chords, at which point your spine will coil up and magnetise, COIL AND MAGNETISE I SAY, attracting the chicas and then your weird giant nostril will be all but entirely forgotten about. But it’s not that simple, Cyril, it’s not that simple at all. People think that just getting a guitar and learning how to play ‘Wonderwall’ is enough to win a girl’s heart. That’s not always true – mostly, it makes you look like a douchebag…
If you mess things up, this could be you:
My ultimate advice? Form a band. That way your lack of talent will be disguised by the other band members. For reference, see literally any band ever, because people are terrible at everything and deserve to be told.