DTSFT Men’s Column #4 – FestivalLAD

 Ah, yes it’s that eight day period that Britain waits all year for – summer.  And when summer rolls around it can only mean one thing; plenty of music festivals around the country for people to use as a backdrop in their 50,000 Polaroid-app, boho-chic selfies. But it’s not just girls in shorts with ombre hair who attend these music festivals – no, men have also been known to make appearances at these events.  This week’s question comes from Luke in Devon, who asks:

“Me and the lads are heading to Glasto this year, hoping to pull some birds and get rat-arsed, the usual – any tips on how to make the most of my time at the festival?”

You’ve done the right thing by contacting me, Luke. Having been to approximately zero festivals, I think you’ll find my advice second to none.  Here are my top tips for thriving and surviving at any festival this summer….

Don’t bring anything that you might need

These festivals are always crowded, so why take up extra room with amenities?  There are always plenty of down to earth, selfless young people at music festivals, they’ll be willing to share their bounty of toilet paper, deodorant, bottled water and sun-block.  Unless they’ve read this post.

Get as drunk as possible

Everyone loves a drunk stranger lurching about, it only contributes to the atmosphere of the festival.  Enhance a fellow festival-goer’s experience by wandering up to them, pawing at them without self-restraint and if you want to REALLY make an impression, vomit all over them and their possessions.

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 Watch a show from the comfort of someone’s shoulders

Yes, sitting on your mate’s shoulders to get a better view is no longer just for the shorter attendees.  Footage from previous years has shown that everyone’s getting in on the act!  Why bother standing to watch the show when you can ruin things for many, many people by blocking their view and giving a beloved friend permanent nerve damage by spending hours sitting on their shoulders – who knows? You might even catch a split second glimpse of yourself on the swooping BBC footage when you’re watching the inevitable 6 weeks of re-runs and wondering what is the purpose of all this frivolity.

Take some kind of activity that requires lots of room but very little participation

Something like that poi or a unicycle!  If there’s one thing that can enhance a festival experience for someone, it’s having to be extremely careful that to avoid the twirling rings of fire while they’re trying to enjoy some live music; who doesn’t love a bit of danger, eh?  Make sure that you don’t practice before you go – in fact, it might be better if you wait until you’re at the festival before even attempting your chosen activity for the first time. Fun for everyone!

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“Everyone loves me!”

These are just some of the things you can do to have a great time at Glastonbury or any festival you go to.  But here’s a bonus tip for how you can make the most of AFTER the festival:

Never shut up about it. 

Never stop telling people how great it was and how good of a time you had, and that they should have been there too.  It’s important that people know just how much you enjoyed yourself, so you should ideally tell them as soon as possible and as often as you can – it doesn’t matter if you interrupt them mid-sentence, you just make sure that you shout in their face about how great the whole thing was.

Feel free to share this advice with your friends, Luke, I’m sure that if everyone used these tips then this summer will be one to remember for everyone.  Have a great time, you shit.

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