This week’s question comes from Douglas in Twickenham, who asks:
“I’ve managed to get a first date with my dream girl – where should we go? What should we do?”
Well, Douglas, I understand that the prospect of taking your ‘dream girl’ out can be a daunting one. I hesitate to ask whether you used my courting tips from our first issue of the DTSFT Men’s Column, but I’ll just assume you did, so, y’know, you’re welcome or whatever.
Anyway, you asked me where you should go and what you should do on this first date. Let me ask you this, Douglas – how the fucking hell am I supposed to know? I don’t know this girl from Adam – I don’t think I even know Adam. And yet you’re emailing in and asking me for advice on what would be the best date for the two of you to go on, as if I’m supposed to be able to work out from your very abrupt – and quite frankly, racist (I have had to clean it up significantly in order to publish it on this site) – email precisely what kind of person this woman is. You didn’t give me any information, so I’m just going to have to think this one up on the spot.
How about starting off at Richmond Park? It’s right good there, with the deers and whatever. I have it on good authority that that bloke and his dog Fenton go there every day waiting to be recognised, acting like a big man and carrying a proper expensive marker pen in order to write autographs for his “fans”. Bit of a wanky thing to do, I’d avoid him if possible. You could take a picnic.
Here’s where things get tricky – food is serious business, okay? You don’t want to end up without enough food, because if she’s a big eater you might not end up with enough food for yourself and you’ll get grouchy – and god forbid you should let her go hungry, because she will tear your throat out, she will tear it out, damn you. But if you take too much food, she might think you’re sending her the message that you think she’s fat. But this might work in your favour – say she is, as I suggested above, a keen eater; she’ll appreciate the surplus food and you’ll be in her good books. My tip? Send her a text message informing her that you’re taking her for a picnic and that she’ll need to bring her own god damn food. Then eat whatever she’s brought as well as your own provisions.
After Richmond Park, why not head to the cinema to watch a film? This could also be tricky, what with the numerous genres and choices available, but there’s a simple solution to this problem, much simpler than it might seem. And that solution is… just pick a god damn film. Because otherwise you end up with this mess:
Those are just two ideas for your date with Sandrine (I’ve named your date Sandrine, because it sounds like a kind of snooty, bitchy name and I’m assuming that your new girlfriend Sandrine is a snooty bitch), but there are plenty of other options available to you. Again, you’re welcome.