We’ve been hounding people to help us out with this Cosmo Blog Awards thing, and it was brought to my attention by my brother that we don’t really write that many posts that would appeal to men. As I started to disagree, he shot down my well-thought out responses with the evidence of our string of HCGI posts. At that point, I almost broke down in tears thinking about Henry Cavill and his unbearable beauty, but I pulled myself together and decided that my brother had a fair point.
So I started thinking, what do men care about? There’s always so much in the media about women – how we should look, how we should feel about how we look, and how we shouldn’t be told how to look or how to feel about how we look. It’s a complicated life. But surely men have similar insecurities, right? I think they do. And after a solid 3 minutes of just barely thinking about it, I decided that we need an advice feature aimed at men, and who better to undertake this task than me? I’m obviously someone who cares a great deal about people and their problems. In each post, I’ll answer a question sent to us by a male reader (these will be by and large fabricated) with invaluable advice. So, here’s a question from Gregor in Aberystwyth, who asks:
How best way to pick ladies up when I’m out with my mates? Get nervous round them and sometimes doesn’t know what to say
Well, first let me say, Gregor, that was a terribly constructed question. Your grammar is absolutely appalling – I mean, it actually made me angry as I read it, and I’m tempted to not answer your email, but you sound pretty pathetic so I’ll help you out because I’m nice like that.
So listen, unless YOU GAY, BRUH, you probably spend a fair amount of time thinking about the luscious ladies, am I right? Women are riddles, wrapped in mysteries, wrapped in expensive scarves from TopShop. How should you, the well-meaning and worldly gentleman, approach this entity?
You’re up inna the club. You’ve had one or two drinks, you’re feeling merry, you’re having a good time, loving life. The DJ starts to play a song by Pitbull, and rather than follow the instinct that this song provokes in you and head to the nearest bridge to kill yourself, you make your way over to the bar. On your way, you spot a delightful female human – she’s with her friends, all of them lookers but she’s the one who really caught your eye. As you approach this young filly, you start to get nervous – knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on your sweater already, mum’s spaghetti. Let’s face it – you’re a mess, but never mind that, Gregor, it’s too late and you had your chance to sort yourself out before you left the house, but you were too busy watching Will Ferrell outtakes on Youtube again, weren’t you? You’re a liability, mate.
Start off by taking stock of her friends. Initially, you should be looking to see if there are any better looking ladies around her that you may have missed on your first glance. If this is indeed the case, then change your course in order to arrive in front of her instead – or for a little joke, approach your first target and ask her for her friend’s details – chicks love that, she’ll probably find it hilarious. Once you’ve engaged the female human in conversation, you’ll need to see whether she is interested or not, and this can be done by quickly establishing some common ground. This can be difficult to do off the cuff if you’re nervous around women, but never fear, I’m here to help. Here are some ideas for topics to discuss that are super popular with women:
– Propane and propane accessories
– Football Manager
– Fighting and punching techniques
If none of these pique her interest, get really drunk and start talking about The Expendables film franchise, then do a pumping action with your arms and hips while licking your lips and nodding your head in order to establish your intentions. She will be putty in your hands.
Well, I hope that’s helped you, Gregor. Good luck picking up the ladies and don’t forget to check back with us here at DTSFT to let us know how you get on.
I’ll be back next week to raise some more points and handle some hard issues with the Men’s Column.