The Apprentice, Episode 1 – DTSFT Roundup

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The Apprentice is back! Yes, it’s not just Kickstarter that attracts already-successful people in the hope of getting something for essentially nothing.  The DTSFT ladies are big fans of the show, and we tweet all the way through on the #theapprentice hashtag, so join us every week while we do.  As for our roundup – let’s get right into it!

 Our introduction to the characters is in a bunch of soundbites.

“I’m a great of my generation”

“I’m half machine”

“I just feel my effortless superiority will take me all the way”

“I’m business perfection personified”

“I have energy like a Duracell bunny, sex-appeal of Jessica Rabbit, and a brain like Einstein” – said complete with jazz hands.

“I’ll do anything to win, cheating, manipulating – I will do it” Just what every prospective employer wants to hear!

Where do these people come up with these things?

After we’ve heard about Lord Sugar’s achievements – which, after nine seasons, is a fucking bore right about now – we get all the soundbites about what he’s looking for in his new business partner.  Over the next few minutes, we see clips from throughout the series which promises more dramatic confrontations and showdowns, both on the tasks and in the boardroom; after all, no-one’s really tuning in to learn business skills, are they?

This year’s intake has all the classic characters that we see in each series of The Apprentice.  The painful, scripted banter that Lord Sugar (no, fuck it, I’m calling him Alan from now on) has with the candidates, no doubt written by fresh graduate interns trying to make sure they’re not forgotten by scouring the ‘Historical Figures’ category on Wikipedia so that Alan looks like a scholar – but let’s not forget, he’s just a barrow boy done good, ain’t he? Geeezaaaa!

After telling the candidates about the task, Al ‘surprises’ them by asking them right away: who is going to be the team leader on this task?  With Usainian speed, Jaz (token ethnic minority/over 30 female candidate #1) volunteers for the role on the girls team, and Jason (educated, well-spoken sort-of totty) volunteers for the boys.  With Alan’s flying monkeys Karen and Nick in tow, the teams get to the task, which essentially involves selling a bunch of shit to people – that’s basically every task, and like I said I don’t think anyone is actually here to learn, we’re just hear to watch stuck-up egos in suits get what’s coming to them, right?

If you follow any of the us DTSFT ladies on Twitter, you’ll know that Hannah, Sarah and I all tweet throughout the episode, so everything we had to say on the episode would have materialised last night.  Here’s a selection of our favourite things from episode 1:

Like someone threw a pair of eyebrows out of a skyscraper and didn't bother to check where they landed

Alex’s eyebrows. There isn’t time to say all the things I want, nay, NEED to say about those eyebrows. Like someone threw a pair of eyebrows out of a skyscraper and didn’t bother to check where they landed

Jason silently gesturing as Neil took over from him at the start of the task.  Even in a hard hat, he still looked like a pansy (but a really well-spoken one)

The editing – The Apprentice has some shoddy editing at the best of times, attempting to make situations appear more tense than they actually are by showing someone with an expression of disbelief or amusement.

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Rebecca’s everythingness. She has a grating habit of telling people that she’s talking now, she’s hearing you, she’s in the moment right now – just now, love.

The boys putting batteries into every single Lucky Cat – why not just put them in one for display/demonstrative purposes and hand them over with each sale for the rest?

The craziness of the whole Chinatown and China Cat situation –

Uzma’s make-up. Like she was shot with Homer’s make-up gun.

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Luisa bragging about running a baking website – that’s like 60% of the internet, babe.

Speaking of Luisa – “I run three businesses, all sales – no offence, but you’re a doctor” I don’t think anyone has ever said the words “you’re a doctor” as an insult, so erm, well done on the originality, I guess.

The amazing shot of all the girls walking across the road while Francesca holds back, dragging up the awkward memory of every time you’ve ever gone to cross a road with a friend and one of you has hung back because you’ve both gauged the speed of the on-coming car differently.

All the bullshit that Jaz said, especially:

“I think that’s a hug!” followed by “First rule is check you’re speaking to the decision maker” – way to follow your own rules, Jaz!

“Some people have been *working* all night” – yeah, only you guys, right? No-one else, ever!

“Oh man…” at Alan.  Ouch.

The girls doing a lucky cat wave in the car when the sub team made the water sale was actually really cute

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Bug-Eyed Uzma getting boi’d off by Leah after she organised a meeting and then found everyone congratulating Rebecca’s hard work

Myles’s face as the buyer of the cats says he wasn’t expecting the batteries to bein the cats – they’d spent an hour or so putting those batteries in. WASTED.

The comedy gold of Zeeshaan’s pitch getting taken over by Neil, and getting in a massive hissy fit when he didn’t get a chance to speak to the other the team on the phone.

The shortest of Hipster-Glasses Man:

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Myles’s suspicious tan – we’ve only just started to get sunshine in the UK in the last week.

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This look from Rebecca in the board room

Jason thinking of how to talk-up the jacket – “What’s the lining?” Then adding sadly, “Oh, polyester”

The camera cutting to Luisa whenever someone used the word “evolve” or “evolved”

Alex forgetting Neil’s name.  I mean, Liam’s close enough, right?

You don't realise what you've done, Rob

Italian Robert wasting their time, getting excited over the leather jackets. You don’t realise what you’ve done, Rob.

Tim’s excitement at every possible moment, like a child on a sugar high.

Tim’s outburst even when they’ve won, prompting a “Shut up” from Alan.

This moment where Sophia looked sad and effortlessly exotic, like Mulan:

Screen Shot 2013-05-08 at 20.47.28

Uzma “I’m the business woman, darling”

Every pinched look from Nick (welcome back, bb!)

Those are our favourite moments from last night’s episode, and we’re lucky that we’ve got a bonus episode this week! We won’t give spoilers here on DTSFT, but please follow us on Twitter to get our live-tweets and join in!  What were your favourite moments?

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