As I’m sure you’ve all heard by now, Pope Benedict XVI has resigned from his position as the leader of the Catholic church. While I don’t practise any religion myself, I was raised as a Catholic and went to two Catholic schools before high school, so I think that this qualifies me to be the first female Pope. Here’s a breakdown as to why I would be perfect for the job:
5. I need a job
Boy, do I need a job. And this would be ideal for me – I wouldn’t have to think for myself, I’d get a sweet place to stay, AND I’ve got loads of retail and admin experience. The last point is just something that I’ve just become so used to typing on to job applications, but I’m pretty sure they’d help in this job.
Think about it – I’d organise the sins alphabetically and assign them “prices”, aka certain punishments and penances which would be standardized, saving priests precious time by relieving them from their confession booth duties. ‘Sin Index Numbers’, or ‘SINs’ would be available via a spreadsheet which can be used to cross reference in the case of multiple sins – don’t worry guys, I’ve got this covered. There would be seasonal discounts and promotions on these sins too, such as months where you could get away with adultery for the price of just two Our Fathers instead of two Our Fathers and a rosary.
I’m not saying it would be easy – I’m just saying that I work well in a team as well as on my own, and oh god it’s happening again…
4. I crave the power
In a way, you could say that I’m power-crazed with some sociopathic, homicidal tendencies, but on the other hand you could say that I’m a ‘good leader’.
That’s what the Catholic church needs now, people. A strong, confident, bat-shit crazy leader, who is willing to go to any length to get what she wants, what she craves – power over millions of people across the globe, disposable and replaceable minions ready to do my bidding. Imagine it… sitting on my throne in The Vatican, writing small changes in new editions of the Bible to include aliens and ninjas because THE WORLD DESERVES TO KNOW THE TRUTH.
But in all seriousness, no-one deserves this kind of power more than me. I’ve been working on a special plan that would, with a simple injection, relieve people of the pressure and drudgery of independent thought. With the help of the Catholic church, I could make this special plan a worldwide reality.
3. Social-media savvy
Don’t forget that the Pope only recently set up his Twitter account, giving him an extra platform with which to reach his followers (cheeky pun there, pretty sure it’s never, ever been used before in this context). If there’s anyone who spends more time on Twitter and Facebook than me, I’d like to meet them – so that I could kill them, because they are currently the only better prospect for the job than me. Social media is the present AND the future, folks, and it’s not like there’s not thousands of priests who could take care of my church duties – it’s like, help a Pope out, people, cover a mass or two for me, jeez. I’m too busy retweeting Ricky Gervais just to piss him off.
2. I could rock that pimp hat
Don’t act like I wouldn’t look like such a baller in that hat.
1. I would unite all the churches
Did I mention I was power-hungry? Because I am. This is the most important reason that I should be the Pope.
I would revolutionise worldwide religions. I’d get all the leaders of the biggest religions together – so that would be me, Woody Allen, Lupe Fiasco, Ricky Gervais (closet Hindu) and a bunch of other guys – and we’d just go for a nice meal, maybe at Zizzi’s or Frankie and Benny’s (I hope they do wafers and wine!) and we’d just thrash out all the details, get everything out in the open and sort this shit out once and for all. Because my own position on religion is that the rules and prejudices of religions are the problem, but the faith in a power that is greater than humanity is a beautiful and harmless thing – I’ve seen it in my own experiences in church growing up, the comfort that it can bring to believe that there is a guiding force in the universe that will keep things in balance somehow, whether it does or not. I will harness that phenomenon and incorporate it into my
reign of terror plan to unite the churches of the world.
So vote for me to become the new Pope, because it’s the right thing to do.