Cinema Etiquette

On Tuesday I went to the IMAX cinema in Wimbledon with my sister to see ‘The Dark Knight Rises’ (which is SICK AS, by the way, go and see it!). The screen got really packed really quickly: almost every seat was filled except for two of them next to me.

Ten minutes into the film, a man and a woman turn up. I’m not sure if they were given allocated seats, but in the end they chose to take the empty ones next to me. Naturally I didn’t think much of it at the time.

But then they started.

The woman kept making unnecessarily loud comments about some of the actors on screen and making big gestures with her arms, which was a teeny bit annoying because it was in the corner of my eye and kept distracting me from the film, but I decided to  let it pass – she was just ‘getting into it’, I supposed.

But it didn’t stop there, oh no. They both just kept talking. I have no idea what about, but it must have been extremely important because they had to say it during the film and not at any other time, like, oh, I don’t know, when it was finished. They didn’t even try to whisper, I would have been fine with that (well, sort of), nor did they talk during the action scenes where there was enough noise to drown out their yammering. They just talked like there was no-one else in the screen.

And then came the smooching. And she was draped – like, physically draped, which was another annoying thing because she just could NOT keep still, not once – over him the whole time. I mean, really? You have so many opportunities to kiss when the film is over, and you choose now, right now, to do it?  Not only was that irritating but it was also kind of awkward, for me and the people in the row behind us – can you imagine having to watch that going on right in front of you while you’re trying to enjoy the film? Do it in the back row so no-one can see you – isn’t that the usual thing?

See, here’s a guy and his gal just having fun at the cinema together. They’re not seductively feeding each other the popcorn.

Now I think I know what you’re all saying: she must be single and therefore bitter otherwise she wouldn’t be saying this. Well, actually I’m going out with Jeremy Renner you’re right, I am single, but definitely not bitter, and love is, like, so totally awesome, man, but if I did have a boyfriend I don’t think I would do anything like that. If I’m going to spend about £10 on tickets and about £20 on food, not forgetting to mention about £3 on travel (me and my man get the tram, we like to roll out in style) I’d want to enjoy the film, the whole experience of going to the cinema even, not lip lock with him every five minutes. The lip locking is for after.

Unfortunately I was too much of a wimp to say any of this to them; I even said it was okay when the woman apologised for nudging me while shifting around in her seat for the 23,584th time, but that couple got me so riled up when we left that I got to thinking: it’s not just things like ‘everyone look how in love we are’ couples and talking loudly that piss me off when I’m watching a film. There are a few others too:

Mobile phones

Okay, so you’re about to watch a film, a film that you’ve been waiting yonks to go and see, the adverts have finished, the trailers have finished, and that magical moment comes when the lights go down before it starts. Then somewhere in the dark distance, you see the white glare of a mobile phone, or even of more than one. I don’t understand why people do this. Is it going to hurt if you turn off your mobile for a couple of hours? Why are you texting? Who are you texting? What are you texting? Just turn it off and enjoy the film, otherwise, as my sister says, you might as well take £20 and set fire to it, because that’s basically what you’re doing. There’s even a advert that tells you to turn the thing off, for goodness’ sakes! Just do it!

We do like fine suits, mister, but even that won’t stop you from being an idiot if you use that thing during a film

People who don’t control their noisy children

Here’s a scenario of what it can be like when watching a film with a noisy child:

Film: Okay guys, tonight’s the night. When we reach the gates, we’ll – 

Child: Daddy?

Film: – then once we’re there, Bill, you take the – 

Child: Daddy?

Film:  – but be careful, there are guards around. So we have to – 

Child: Daddy, who’s that?

Film: – but the most important thing you have to remember that is integral to the entire  film, is –

Child: Daddy, when does it finish?

You miss all of the good bits because some sweet little prince or princess is bored and wants something to do. Annoying, right?

Yes, kids will be kids: they get bored pretty quickly and they’re going to keep questioning everything, but parents, please take responsibility for your children and tell them not to shout/scream/run around – especially run around –  in the cinema and spoil the film for everyone.

Gum smacking/burping

I’ve experienced this in a cinema, but what’s worse is that it comes from people who should know better i.e. adults. Cinema chow is food of the gods, but seriously, we don’t all need to know that you’re enjoying your hotdog combo.

The hotdog. I understand that it’s unbelievably delicious, but keep your enjoyment to a minimum, yeah?

Spoilerers

I’ve only had this happen to me once, but that was enough for me to never want it to happen again. I went to see ‘The Ghost’ last year (which is also very very good) and I won’t tell you exactly what happens at the end, but let’s just say I didn’t need to watch it because some smartarse behind me decided to announce it to his wife and everyone around him. It wasn’t deliberate, but I think that a bit more discretion could have been used – I mean, it was a pretty big twist! Come on, son!

Dawdlers

I ain’t got no time for dawdlers. When the credits roll, I like to just get my things together and leave. I’m not in a rush to go anywhere, but it would be nice to get out of the screen at a good pace instead of being stuck behind people who travel at 3 miles an hour. Just sayin’.

I absolutely love films and going to the cinema is one of my favourite pastimes, as I’m sure it is for all of you. So let’s not ruin the moment by letting our manners and respect for others fly out of the window. That way we can all truly enjoy the experience.

Hannah

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One thought on “Cinema Etiquette

  1. Pingback: Why I Love… Mystery Science Theatre 3000 « Damn, That's Some Fine Tailoring

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